Russia kindly asks Ukraine to disarm

Ukraine uprising

WASHINGTON, April 7, 2014 — As instability mounts in Ukraine, and Kiev struggles to maintain its tentative and newfound control over the restless nation, the European Union and the West have urged Ukraine to disarm their citizens. The European Union has even made this a prerequisite for joining their ranks. They believe that by disarming the people of Ukraine, and ridding the nation of the terrible burden firearm ownership places upon the law abiding and peace loving governments of the World, Ukraine can once again be at peace and under the full protection of Kiev.

However many voices have raised concern over the push by outside forces, as well as the newly established government, to disarm the people in the face of both internal and external threats. In fact, in the wake of the violence in which dozens of Ukrainians were gunned down by forces loyal to the ousted President Viktor Yanukovych, many have urged Parliament to adopt an amendment to the Ukrainian constitution similar to that of the 2nd Amendment in the United States.

These voices were silenced however, when the Parliament of Ukraine passed a resolution disarming all of the paramilitary groups which sprung up as a part of the recent coup.

The most assuring, and possibly the most honest, voice to emerge from all of this pro-gun, anti-gun rhetoric in Ukraine came from an unlikely source this week, as representatives from the Russian Federation released a statement urging the Ukrainian Parliament to disarm the paramilitary groups which have so plagued the nation. In their compassion, and true concern for the people and the stability of the Ukrainian people, the Russian government has gone out of their way to make sure that the nasty, gun-toting, nationalist militias are disarmed at once, and that order and power is restored to the Parliament and military of Ukraine who are the natural and rightful protectors of the country.

In a statement made by the Russian government, three officials stated that Ukraine needed to disarm in order to “accelerate the ongoing process of disarmament, re-establish the state monopoly on the use of force as well as distance itself from extremist groups.”

Of course Russia has nothing to gain if Kiev disarms the recently formed militias. Russia is simply from the bottom of their heart pleading with the Ukrainian government to take back control of their people, to bring them back under thumb, and to do away with all of those nasty armed citizens. Of course once Ukraine disarms their citizens and does what their dear friends in Moscow have suggested, Vladimir Putin will pull back the one hundred and fifty thousand troops stationed at various points around the Ukrainian border. Once the people arm disarmed, the Russians will realize that their job is done, and they will invite Ukraine over for a picnic and they will all hold hands and dance in circles while they share their life goals with one another.

Detractors say that Russia simply wants to disarm Ukrainians so they can invade the East and have a much easier time stomping about the country. They say that with an unarmed populace, the undermanned and underequipped Ukrainian military has no chance against the big, bad Russian armed forces.

When these concerns were brought to Vladimir Putin, he took a moment from painting water color of his costumed French bulldogs to voice his rage and indignation at the very thought that Russia had any other intention that the restoration of peace to Ukraine. While he put his shirt back on, he told eager reporters that the troops on the border of Ukraine were there for training purposes which had been scheduled long before this whole misunderstanding took place. With charm and grace he assured the reporters that the troops were there for the safety of the Ukrainian people, and that they are all one big happy family.

After a full afternoon of story time and magic shows, the reporters took to their computers, newly encrusted with jewels and emeralds, to tell Ukraine and the World that Vladimir Putin was a friend to all, and that they need only put down their weapons and invite him into their hearts. All Ukraine had to do was disarm, and everything would go back to the way it was, he promised. And after they were done writing, their faces pained from smiling so much, the reporters flew away on a magic dragon to Neverland.

Ukraine has nothing to worry about, one can hardly see the cause for concern in the first place. Crimea and Russia are old roommates, and Crimea still has a bunch of Russia’s belongings so moving back in was a no brainer. It really belonged to Russia the entire time. Not to mention that people really have no right to rebel against tyrannical governments in the first place. Who do those people think they are disagreeing with the establishment?

In the end, surely the Ukrainian military, who numbers around one hundred thousand and maintains somewhat shaky loyalty, can defend against a combined arms assault from a simple regional power without the aid of an armed citizenry. We all know that the Russian troops on the Ukrainan border are just there for Spring Break, and that any minute the beer is going to run out and they have to go back to school. As long Ukraine does what Russia says and disarms their people, there will be no need to invade the country and kill everyone.

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