Muslim clerics stay one step ahead of Zionists with anti-Mars fatwa: a sort-of-satire

anti-Mars Fatwa
The OTHER two-state solution (Wikimedia Commons).

GIVAT SHMUEL, Israel February 23, 2014 — A recent ruling by prominent Muslim clerics have proven that the always-rational radical Islamists have not lost a step when it comes to political chess with the Zionist and Allah-hating American regimes.

A new fatwa by the religious leaders, published in the United Arab Emirates Khaleej Times this week, forbade any Allah-fearing Muslim from traveling to Mars.

While the official explanation for this strict response to the Mars One organization’s planned commercial flights to the red planet was that, “such a one-way journey poses a real risk to life, and that can never be justified in Islam,” more astute political motivations for the religious ruling are suspected.

With John Kerry’s messianic mission to bring peace to the Middle East crumbling miserably, the Muslim leaders, who have sought to impede his progress at every turn, have anticipated the Secretary of State’s next proposal in his continued efforts to appease the Zionist monster, namely that the Palestinians agree to a two-state solution where the Jews remain in Israel and the Palestinians relocate to Mars.

“This is clearly the work of the Jewish machine” Gaza Imam Shareef Abdul Raheem told Communities Digital News on Thursday. “The Zionists have always wanted us as far away as possible,” Raheem continued, “and with this one-way trip to Mars leaving within the next few years, Netanyahu, Sheldon Adelson, AIPAC, Hollywood, Big Business, Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Allan West and the rest of the evil pro-Zionist lobby have begun to push Kerry and Obama to pursue this path.”

MSNBC pundit Rachel Maddow, on her show late Thursday, agreed.

The United Nations has reportedly rushed together an emergency council to address the issue. The chairman of the newly-formed United Nations Immediate Defense of Islamic Outerspace Transfer Senate (U.N. I.D.I.O.T.S.), former Special Rapporteur on the situation of human rights in the Palestinian territories, Richard Falk, announced at a press conference Friday morning that, “we will do everything we can to ensure that Israel does not unload the Palestinian refugee problem on the Martian population. Their blatant disregard for both terrestrial and extra-terrestrial human rights clearly knows no bounds.”

Aside from its political benefit, many in the Arab world are commending the clerics for their adherence to Sharia law. When asked if he thought the fatwa was justified on a religious level, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas told CommDigiNews, “it was a no-brainer considering the headache it would have caused us. It would be very immodest for women to step foot on Mars, considering men are from there. Perhaps they would be more comfortable on Venus. They probably could even take off their hijabs there.”

An official at the Al Aqsa Mosque told CDN that that assumption was incorrect and that the hijab would absolutely need to stay on during any inter-planetary inhabitance.

When asked to comment on the situation, the press had a challenging time understanding the answer of American President Barack Obama. According to reports, following the President being asked if he cared to comment on the plan to send the Arabs to the red planet, he immediately began googling how to sign himself up on his smartphone. “If the planet is red,” POTUS exclaimed, “how could I not be there?”

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  • Yamen Hawit

    Satire or not, this article is disgustingly racist and clearly misinformed.