My Resume to be the Oakland Raiders Head Coach & GM

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Eric Golub/Photo: Jiminy Crickett

HOUSTON, October 6, 2014 — With the Oakland Raiders making another coaching change, stability is in order. The current interim coach is expected to be a mere placeholder until star power turns up. That star power can be found in the coaching ranks. While I have no head coaching experience, neither did the guy the Raiders just fired. With that, here is my resume to be the next coach of the Raiders.

WORK EXPERIENCE:

NFL

OAKLAND RAIDERS—Home Internship                                                2001-Present

  • Extensive Analysis of the tuck rule, also known as the Brady fumble
  • Rage Motivation Preparations for 2002 Raiders/Patriots game in Oakland
  • Matched Jon Gruden’s intensity as an end zone analyst in the Black Hole

ARENA FOOTBALL LEAGUE

MIAMI SHARKS—Quarterbacks Coach/Defensive Coordinator                        2000

  • Worked with 2 time Pantheon Cup champion Cap Rooney
  • Developed “Steamin” Willie Beaman into a starting quarterback
  • Assisted Tony D’amato with running the defense
  • Led fundraising effort to successfully keep team from moving to Los Angeles
  • Led competition committee effort to land expansion New Mexico franchise

ARENA FOOTBALL LEAGUE

WASHINGTON SENTINELS—Quarterbacks Coach/Defensive Coordinator    1999

  • Worked with 2 time champion Eddie Martel
  • Developed Shane Falco during the player’s strike
  • Assisted future star receiver Clifford Franklin
  • Helped lead Sentinels to win over Dallas and 1stplayoff season in 7 years
  • Worked with special teams and star kicker Nigel Ruff

DIVISION III A COLLEGE

LOUISIANA TECH MUD DOGS—Ass’t Head Coach/Defensive Coordinator   1998

  • Developed Bobby Boucher the year he set the NCAA single game sack record
  • Helped lead LTU to its 1stbowl win in 27 years
  • Quality Control—installed diet regimen consisting of cold water with dinner

DIVISION I A HIGH SCHOOL

WEST CAANAN, TX, COYOTES—Ass’t Head Coach/Defensive Coordinator  1997

  • Worked directly with 2 time state and 23 time district champion Bud Kilmer
  • Developed backup qb Jonathon Moxon into a district champion
  • Brought injured qb Lance Harbor into coaching when Kilmer retired
  • Worked with wide receiver Charlie Tweeder and offensive lineman Billy Bob

NFL

CAROLINA PANTHERS—Home Internship                                                         1996

  • Observed the zone blitz defense under Dom Capers
  • Saw the zone blitz take Carolina to the NFC title game in only 2 years

NFL

TENNESSEE OILERS (TITANS)—Home Internship                                            1995

  • Continued learning the 46 defense under Jeff Fisher
  • Saw the 46 defense take Tennessee to one yard short of a championship

NFL

LOS ANGELES (OAKLAND) RAIDERS—Home Internship                     1990-1994

  • Observed the Raiders return to greatness under Art Shell
  • General tasks

NFL

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES— Home Internship                                           1986-1989

  • Learned the 46 defense under Buddy Ryan
  • General tasks

NFL

OAKLAND/LOS ANGELES RAIDERS—Home Internship                       1977-1985                       

  • Studied the Sid Gillman philosophy of offense
  • Personified “commitment to excellence” & “just win baby” through Al Davis
  • Further study of the long ball through AFL viewing of Air Coryell

EDUCATION:

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, CA—MBA    2001-2002

      *    Graduated with a masters degree in finance

      *    Specialized concentration in capanomics

      *    Valuation class specializing in Jaguars and Ravens salary cap issues

 BRISTOL UNIVERSITY, CT—Bachelor Degree                1990-1994                                           

  • Graduated with honors; Dean’s List
  • Theses proving zone blitz defense defeats w. c. offense, Real men wear Black
  • Mastering John Facenda analysis proving the autumn wind is a RAIDER

SOFTWARE: Microsoft Office, CNN SI, ESPN, NFL.COM, DirecTV

REFERENCES:

  • OAKLAND RAIDERS: Al Davis, John Madden, Jim Plunkett, Jon Gruden
  • SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Air Coryell
  • TENNESSEE TITANS: Jeff Fisher
  • PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Buddy Ryan
  • CAROLINA PANTHERS: Dom Capers
  • NEW YORK GIANTS/JETS: Bill Parcells
  • WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Sid Gillman
  • ESPN: CHRIS BERMAN, STUART “BOO-YAH! PLAYA-HATA!” SCOTT

If any of the above people need a reference, I will absolutely provide one. They have all done outstanding jobs in developing my football knowledge.

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  • Tafunea the Polynesian Prince

    Make me the offensive coordinator. I’ll make them go long on every play!