NFL: Brock Osweiler Award winners announced, Sam, Manziel

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LOS ANGELES, August 31, 2014 — The preseason is over. August is done. September is about real football. There is no reason to discuss cheerleaders or other ancillary entertainment. This is the National Football League, Narcotics For Leatherheads. Anything not directly related to professional football is to be ignored. The only football players to discuss are the ones playing in the games.

In August, it is acceptable to mention Brock Osweiler. In September, it is necessary to not mention him again until next August.

For those not obsessed with the NFL, Brock Osweiler is the backup quarterback for the Denver Broncos. The starter is Peyton Manning. If Osweiler sees the field, it means Broncos fans are contemplating suicide. With Manning, the Broncos could return to the Super Bowl. Without him, they have no chance.

While Osweiler may be a great guy and a decent football player, there is no reason to ever mention him once the regular season commences. He is as relevant as Jim Sorgi, that other guy who backed up Peyton and his brother Eli Manning.

Some Osweiler types eventually move on to successful pursuits in the NFL. A guy named Jason Garrett backed up Troy Aikman. Garrett had one memorable Thanksgiving Day game a couple decades ago. Now he coaches the Dallas Cowboys. Gary Kubiak spent nearly a decade backing up John Elway. He went on to coach the Houston Texans.

Steve Young and Aaron Rodgers are the ultimate Osweiler guys, toiling behind Joe Montana and Brett Favre until they saw the field and won a Super Bowl.

Young and Rodgers are the exceptions. At many positions, just leave the Osweiler guys alone. Most Osweiler guys need to be trained how to hold a clipboard. If they are really good, they also get to wear a headset.

Here are the winners of the 2014 Brock Osweiler Award:

Josh Brent: He killed a guy. In late 2012 he decided to drink and drive, crashing his vehicle and killing his Dallas Cowboys teammate Jerry Brown. He retired in late 2013 to deal with his manslaughter trial. Good riddance.

Aldon Smith: He could have killed somebody, but has not yet. Instead this dope and criminal faces a weapons charge and other charges. He has been suspended for the first nine games of the season. Jim Harbaugh will not allow his San Francisco 49ers to use Smith’s suspension as an excuse. It is up to the rest of the team to produce.

Josh Gordon: For his most recent drug suspension, Gordon will miss the entire 2014 season. Gordon was caught in late December driving while impaired. It must be a “Josh” thing. At least this Josh was lucky enough not to kill anyone. The Cleveland Browns have been terrible for over a decade, so using Gordon as an excuse is not permitted.

Johnny Manziel: The Cleveland Browns are the only team with two Osweiler guys who deserve to be ignored. He wins the Matt Leinart award for throwing away a chance to start. At least Manziel has his career ahead of him. He is not a felon, but does have maturity issues. Until he plays in a game and replaced Brian Hoyer as the starter, Johnny Football should be known as Johnny Clipboard.

AJ McCarron: The guy did win consecutive college football National Championships, but so did Tim Tebow. Fifth round draft picks do not deserve attention until they play. For now, the Cincinnati Bengals have firmly entrenched Red Rifle Andy Dalton as the starting quarterback. Veteran journeyman Jason Campbell is the backup. McCarron is on the non-football injury list with a bum shoulder. During the offseason he was known for romancing Miss Alabama Katherine Webb. They have since married, which means nothing to leather heads once the season begins.

Michael Sam: This seventh round draft pick is now at best a practice squad player. He is neither a felon nor an egomaniac. This polite, hardworking young man became a phenomenon for being the first openly gay player to get drafted. Until he plays in a regular season game, he is not to be mentioned anymore. Those objecting should look up the story of Shannon Faulkner.

Tim Tebow: Anybody who needs this explained to them needs a frying pan upside the head. He is not on an NFL roster. While Favre-watch was a ton of fun with the helicopters flying overhead, Tebow did not have a 20-year Hall of Fame career. If talk of Favre comebacks grew tiresome, then the Tebow story should be dead and buried unless he ever plays in another NFL regular season game.

Sonny Weaver: He is the fictional Cleveland Browns General Manager played by Kevin Costner in the NFL movie “The Draft.” Kids, it’s not real. Even if he pretended to lead a team other than the Browns, it would still be make-believe.

Enough with Brock Osweiler and his guys. It is time for Peyton Manning and the starters to kick off the 2014 NFL season. The players on the field playing in the games are the only ones deserving any attention.

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