American Pharoah, Oprah, Jenner, and the Arab-Israeli Conflict

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FRESNO, June 5, 2014 — Nothing speaks to the Belmont Stakes like a good political conflict and a television talk show host. American Pharoah won the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness, but the last leg of the Triple Crown will not come easy.

New York is one tough town. With radical Islam on the rise, sports is a good way of escaping politics. Politics should be left out of sports. Unfortunately, when those responsible for disseminating the news inject their personal politics, corrections have to be made.

I am the guilty party. I was wrong. I wrote an irresponsible Facebook post that I have to live with. I stated that, as a Jew, I was not going to root for an Arab horse, especially an Egyptian one. The real Pharaoh forced the Jews to do hard labor building the pyramids. Victims of slavery do not root for the horses of their masters.

The post was in jest. I once wanted to violently stab an Arab salad with a fork to avenge something Yassir Arafat did. Then I found out an Arab salad and an Israeli salad are the exact same thing. The salad was delicious, regardless of one’s opinions on Israel and Gaza. We live and learn.

It seems American Pharoah is Jewish, not Arab.

The owner, Ahmed Zayat, is a Jewish man from Cairo, Egypt.

This changes everything. American Pharoah would be the first Jewish Triple Crown winner.

If animals can be black or gay, then yes they certainly can be Jewish. Give the horse a Yarmulke (Jewish skullcap) and let him ride.

This opens up several cans of worms, and worms are bad for horses.

If Jews are so bright, why did nobody catch the typo that led to the horse having their name misspelled? The real Pharaoh has an a-o, which reads like Tony Danza delivering lines on Taxi. American Pharoah has an o-a, which is a backward Danza stanza.

Bruce Jenner knows a thing or two about winning races and phonetics. The former Olympic gold medalist named himself Caitlyn. She is now the only woman in the entire Kardashian family who spells her first name correctly.

Then again, an error could create a legend. Oprah Winfrey exists because the error on her birth certificate did not properly reflect the name of the Greek goddess Orpah. She had good parents. It is not like she was little orphan Oprah or Orpah. Either way, like Gloria Gaynor, she survived.

So whatever this Jewish horse calls itself, it can gallop along the track and still make it to synagogue in time for the evening Maariv service. This leaves just one more issue.

When asked about the Super Bowl, Reverend Billy Graham said that he was less concerned with the score than the fact that the game is played on Sunday. Should Jewish horse American Pharoah be running a race on Shabbos? Was an exemption to let the horse race by itself one day later on Sunday not available? Should the Jewish community sue for religious persecution?

This can be dealt with in time. Meanwhile, good luck American Pharoah, you beautifully misspelled Jewish horse. A Shabbos toast to you with Kedem Grape Juice (no Manischevitz wine the day before the race). L’Chaim!

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