WASHINGTON, July 16, 2015 – What can we expect for 2015? There will still be 435 members of the United States House of Representatives. There will be at least that many Republicans who will announce they are forming exploratory committees to possibly, maybe, kinda, sorta think about running for president.
Speaking of Congress, Kim Kardashian’s rear-end will become California’s 54th congressional district. What it lacks in population it makes up for with sheer volume.
John Boehner will become the new Sham Wow infomercial pitchman. Upon hearing the announcement, Boehner will weep uncontrollably.
Jeb Bush will hire Prince Charles as an advisor because he wants to understand exactly how “this succession thing” really works.
Someone in his administration will inform President Obama that there actually is a Constitution. Believing it is an issue of the digestive track resulting from Michelle Obama’s school lunch program, he assigns the First Lady to look into the situation. She will report back that the Constitution is really nothing to be concerned about.
President Obama will not wait for the Republican controlled Congress to actually pass any bills and will issue a series of pre-emptive vetoes so he won’t really have to read any of the laws that Congress passes.
The Sony Pictures hackers threaten to do the same to a “major United States news organization.” MSNBC executives will be relieved to know that doesn’t mean them.
In a related story, Kim Jong-un will actually become David Letterman’s replacement. Instead of replacing Letterman, Stephen Colbert will become the Supreme Leader of North Korea. The five-foot, ten-inch Colbert will also become the tallest person in North Korea. Upon hearing the announcement, John Boehner will weep uncontrollably.
Hillary Clinton will announce she will run for president in 2016. While making her announcement, she will say, “It can’t be harder than doing a book tour, right?”
Joe Biden will announce he will not seek the presidency. However, citing internal polling that shows he has an almost 50% approval rating among his own staff, he will declare his intention to run for vice-president again in 2016.
Stunned that he does not win a Grammy for Best Spoken Word recording, Jonathan Gruber…makes another video. This time, he claims that every elected Democratic official had told him he had their vote and that he must have lost because of the “stupidity of the Grammy voter.” When asked for a comment, every elected Democratic elected official says, “Who?”
Attempting to prove he really does have a sense of humor, President Obama will continue to invite Al Sharpton to the White House. Showing that he completely lacks any sense of humor, Al Sharpton will keep accepting.
The weather will be cold in the first part of the year, warm up some in the spring, warm up even more during the summer and then start to cool off in the fall. Climate change alarmists will scream, “See, we told you!” (Of course, this is the same prediction as every year, but the global warming crowd is nothing if not predictable.)
A Swedish bar maid will assume control of ISIS. The terror group will change its name yet again – this time to ILSA.
Rolling Stone will change the magazine’s slogan to “All the news that fits – the narrative (even if we have to make it up!)”
After the implementation of a city-wide $15 per hour minimum wage Seattle residents will wonder why they have to now drive to Tacoma to find a McDonalds.
The European Union has already implemented rules that require coffee machines to shut off after five minutes under the guise of fighting climate change. Taking a cue from the EU technocrats, the EPA announces rules that will require Jonathan Gruber to also shut off after five minutes – citing the same reasons.
Greece will leave the European Union and instead join an Abba tribute band. The German government believes the EU can withstand the departure of Greece, provided it does not try to sing Waterloo.
Thanks to the state’s marijuana law, Colorado will be declared the country’s hungriest state. Upon hearing that news, John Boehner will weep uncontrollably.
Since illegal immigrants will be able to obtain state drivers licenses, California’s Motor Vehicle Department will hire hundreds of new employees to handle the demand. Some of the applicants will be those same illegal immigrants. The lines will move no faster, but the lawns outside of the MVD offices will be immaculate.
Hollywood box office numbers will continue to plummet. After examining every possible reason, Hollywood executives will announce that it could be because they make lousy movies. They promise to make much better movies.
In a related story, Adam Sandler and Keanu Reeves will apply for jobs with California’s MVD. Upon hearing that news, John Boehner will weep uncontrollably.