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Why President Trump’s SCOTUS nomination must be a boring white male

Written By | Jul 5, 2018

LOS ANGELES: President Trump was elected because enough conservatives sacrificed their concerns for the greater good. President Trump promised he would govern as a conservative, and for the most part he has kept his word. Now the Supreme Court is the supreme issue. In 2017, President Trump hit a home run with Judge Neil Gorsuch. Recent SCOTUS decisions to uphold Trump’s travel ban and curb union abuses have conservatives celebrating and liberals reeling. With President Trump’s SCOTUS nomination the president has the power to cement a real conservative majority on the High Court for the foreseeable future. He needs a boring white male jurist without scandal.

Because this is about decades. This choice, not the first one, nor the third one, will be the most significant decision he makes in his presidency.

President Trump must nominate a boring white male to SCOTUS

Let liberal heads explode. They already have. This is no time to take chances. There is a time to go big or go home. This is a time to play it as safe as possible. Under no circumstances should Trump nominate anyone other than a boring white male.

Forget trying to win over liberals. They are already rioting in the streets without even knowing who they are rioting against. President Trump needs to ignore the liberals and focus on Normal America. Trump has very little time to get this nominee on the High Court.

The confirmation hearings must be quick, dull, non-controversial and useless.

This never happens with a minority nominee.

Today’s violent liberals hate all conservatives for being alive, but they reserve extra bile for minority conservatives. Former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is an accomplished tax attorney who raised five children and 23 foster children. The left made her out to be Satan, and she was only a congresswoman. After watching what liberals did to Miguel Estrada and Janice Rogers Brown, only one conclusion is painfully obvious.

The left must destroy minority conservatives because minority conservatives are a threat to their power. Everything in Washington, DC is about power. Boring white males are far less of a threat.

With Gorsuch, Trump found the closest thing to the perfect man and judge

Democrats huffed and puffed about how evil Gorsuch was, and the American people shrugged. He seemed like a nice guy because he is a nice guy. John Roberts coasted to confirmation by saying nothing and looking bland and inoffensive.


Trump needs to find a strict constructionist with the intellect of the late Judge Antonin Scalia, the outward passion of Bob Newhart, the spotless personal life of the late Mr. (Fred) Rogers, the jaw of Dick Tracy, and the hair of Mitt Romney.

Since human cloning prevents a second Neil Gorsuch, he needs the next best thing.

What are Bill Belichick’s politics?

Somebody find out if New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick is a strict constructionist. He knows how to stand at a podium and say nothing in a calm voice. Find somebody who speaks quieter than the late President Calvin Coolidge. Or someone who makes former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty or outgoing House Speaker Paul Ryan sound like raving lunatics.

Get the “Bada book, Bada boom” guy from those hotel commercials and see if he is very conservative. He just stands there and looks like your average middle management bureaucrat who is tall with perfect hair.

A boring white male leaves less to protest

The left is too bigoted and entrenched in identity politics to let them distract from a confirmation hearing. The stakes are too high to try and make history. If Trump picks a minority, the left will become even more galvanized. If he picks a boring white male, the left will quickly become demoralized. Judges Roberts and Gorsuch remain the best examples of judges who look like judges.

Forget anyone who is fascinating. Texas Senator Ted Cruz is a brilliant legal mind and rock, solid constitutionalist. He also could not be boring if he tried. He has the substance, but confirmation hearings are about style. Cruz does not know how to issue bland pablum.

Trump should rule out bald guys and guys with scraggly beards. Fairly or not, every third pedophile on “Law and Order: SVU” is a bald guy. Robert Bork was a legal genius who looked unshaven. Americans do not want a homeless person on the court. The worst shallowness took down Bork. We live in a shallow world.

Trump became successful by taking big risks that paid off.

This is the one time to avoid anything remotely resembling a risk. The nominee must be boring, white and male. They must be as pasteurized and homogenized as regular whole milk.

For those who worry that Trump is incapable of being boring, fear not. That is what the Federalist Society and the Heritage Foundation are for. They will find a well-dressed, well-groomed strict constructionist wonk who knows how to smile while still looking serious. All Trump has to do is name the nominee and let Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell do the rest. McConnell will make sure the nominee says nothing, says it infrequently, and says it quietly.

America is a land with millions of boring white conservative males. Trump only needs to find one. This is doable, and it must be done.


Lead Image: The Supreme Court courtesy of the office of the Architect of the Capital

Eric Golub

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”