Trial lawyers celebrate SCOTUS support for gay divorce

FLICKR/Dave Schumaker

HOUSTON, October 6, 2014 — In a landmark decision hailed by trial lawyers across the land, the United States Supreme Court refused to stop America’s march toward a huge increase in the number of gay couples getting divorced.

Now that gays can legally be married, many homosexual and lesbian couples are expected to rush to the altar with people they barely know. Marriage equality is a beautiful slogan belying the hard work of marriage that many couples are totally unprepared for.

Gay couples are expected to immediately be seen as every bit as boring as their heterosexual counterparts. Tears of joy are expected to give way to arguments over leaving the cap off the toothpaste and nagging about taking out the trash. Trial lawyers eagerly expect gays and lesbians to be flooding their offices in about three years.

Spokespeople for those specializing in gay divorce law point out that in the modern era, gays have every right to be as screwed up and dysfunctional as their heterosexual counterparts.

While gays can now legally be married in several states, there is no requirement that these couples stay married. In about half the cases, fairy tale weddings will end due to adultery, abuse, financial difficulties, and a general realization that the other person looked better the night before. Morning-after regrets will include vows to reduce copious amounts of alcohol and recreational pharmaceuticals.

Many gays will be telling their spouses to turn off the television, put on clean shirts, and go out and get a job. The other spouse will respond that there are no jobs available.

Liberal Democrats initially celebrated the decision to allow trial lawyers to exploit more people for more profit while denying that they are enriching themselves off of the human misery of others. Yet Republican consultants warned of a backlash. By removing a contentious social issue from the public square, Democrats will be forced to run on their record of failure on everything from the economy to healthcare to terrorism.

Democrat spokespeople fired back and reminded Republicans that they can and will still play the abortion card every moment of the day leading up to an election.

Millennials on college campuses are expected to now demand that gay couples be allowed to have abortions. Until “abortion equality” is achieved, America will never be a truly great society.

Comedian Jeff Foxworthy most likely believes that if you demand abortion equality, you are probably not a redneck.

While the million gay divorce trial lawyer march (MGDTLM for those who demand everything be an acronym) was initially expected to be a success, most gays will not be attending the rally. Many gays said that they wanted to attend, but that their (blanking) spouse is screaming at them to rake the leaves and mow the lawn.

When hearing the news about the expected sharp increase in gay divorces, most heterosexuals shrugged their shoulders and went back to living their boring lives.

Gay blacks and Hispanics insisted that only the white gay couples would be boring. Straight blacks and Hispanics insisted that their counterparts in the gay community were as uninteresting as a three-year-old marriage.


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