LOS ANGELES, December 27, 2013 — As 2013 ends, one truism outlasts time: When a political crisis gets out of hand, find a PBWG.
PBWGs (Powerful Bald White Guys) run the world. We should all know who they are, hence this list of the Top Ten PBWGs of 2013.
PBWGs are often found on various “Law and Order” franchises. The seriousness of the crime is determined by the number of PBWGs barking orders. Forget whether these bosses know what they are talking about. What matters is that they look like they are in complete command.
This list is dedicated to “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” head honcho Captain Donald Cragen, played by Dann Florek.
People trust PBWGs because they look like reassuring, competent people who can handle things. The original PBWG as Reassurer-in-Chief would probably be President Dwight Eisenhower.
President George W. Bush needed to convince America that a stimulus package was necessary. Enter Hank Paulson.
President Barack Obama needed to handle insurance claims after an oil spill. He found Ken Feinberg, who looked like a claims adjuster and hero to technocrats everywhere.
David Alexlrod was a PBWG hero in 2012, but his retirement removed him from consideration. The late Larry Hagman would never have made this list; television fans everywhere know that J.R. Ewing had perfect hair underneath that cowboy hat. Florida Governor Rick Scott is as awesome as California Governor Jerry Brown is awful, but they both need to win reelection to climb the power rankings in 2014. Russian President Vadimir Putin is not on the list because only people with a death wish would criticize him. He is handsome, and the Sochi 2014 Olympics have already been successful.
And here are the Top Ten PBWGs of 2013.
10. Ben Bernanke — Poor Ben. The departing Federal Reserve Chairman followed one of the all-time PBWG greats in Alan Greenspan. He came so close to the top spot more than once but now is being fired by an administration obsessed with token quotas over competence. Ron Paul supporters despise him, but his supporters cannot defend him effectively because none of them exactly know what he or the Fed actually does.
9. Mark Levin — The Tea Party does not have an official leader, but this radio host is a constitutional scholar and champion of disaffected conservatives everywhere. As Obamacare collapses, his legal expertise and fiery style has Americans lighting up the congressional switchboard.
8. Dan Weiss — This greeniac at the Center for American Progress is leading the effort to help destroy the country by ranking trees more important than human beings. He is what Levin is trying to stop, but Weiss ranks higher because his side is in power.
7. Michael Astrue — The former Social Security Counselor to the Commissioner and Health and Human Services General Counsel maintained power by having a job that was very important yet nobody understood. Do not mess with a man who advises people in charge of healthcare or Social Security.
6. Don West/Vincent De Maio — The only winners in the streetfight between Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman were Zimmerman’s defense attorney West and their gun expert witness De Maio. They have both already faded to obscurity, but will become fabulously wealthy through future trials and tell-all books. De Maio in particular looked like a study in studiousness and a thrill at parties.
5. Andy Puzder — The CEO of CKE Restaurants confuses people by changing his franchise names depending on geography. Carl’s Jr. on the West Coast becomes Hardee’s on the East Coast. Green Burrito on the green left coast becomes Red Burrito in the red states. He has every right to comment about Obamacare because he has run many more businesses than many government clods lecturing him about running a business.
4. Malcolm Hoenline — He is the Executive Vice President of the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations. Nobody has any idea what that means, which means he is connected on high. For those who love conspiracy theories and blame Jews for everything, this is the guy who can tell us if the Illuminati, Bilderbergers, Tri-Lateral Commission, and Goldman Sachs are all working together, or if they even actually exist. He also could maintain his mystery by refusing to tell us.
3. Gregory Hicks — This Benghazi Whistleblower gave searing testimony about how President Obama and Hillary Clinton allowed four people to be murdered in Libya on the 11th anniversary of 9/11 and then covered it up. He will top the list in 2014 if anybody is ever held accountable.
2. The Obama Shadow Government — James Clapper (DNI), John Brennan (CIA Director), Thomas Pickering (Benghazi) and Tom Donilon (Retired NSA) may all be the same person. Forget the Bilderbergers. These are the non-Jewish power brokers. They control everything, and could have anybody except Vladimir Putin killed with a predator drone for blinking improperly.
So who could possibly top these guys? In ordinary times, they would be at the top. 2013 is no ordinary year.
1. Dann Florek — After 30 years, Captain Don Cragen is retiring. Florek has played Cragen for 15 years, and is leaving the show. The reason a character actor tops the list is two-fold. In a world of phonies, he was authentic. More importantly, this list ceases to exist without his phraseology.
He became the original PBWG by barking orders. Even his cliches such as “One Police Plaza is all over my (rump)!” sounded important when he said them. He was even on the receiving end of them from higher ranking PWBGs thundering “The Mayor is all over my (rump)!”
As the man who inspired PBWGs everywhere, this is his lifetime achievement award. In 2014 he will most likely be found selling gold, in a believable manner.
Congratulations to Dann Florek and his alter ego Don Cragen, the Top PBWG of 2013.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.