LOS ANGELES, December 30, 2015 — As America prepares to wish 2015 good riddance, one eternal truth remains: When a political crisis rages out of control, find a PBWG.
PBWGs (Powerful Bald White Guys) run the world. Bringing them out of the shadows is the reason for this list of the Top Ten PBWGs of 2015.
PBWGs are often seen on “Law and Order” franchises. The seriousness of the crime is determined by the number of PBWGs barking orders. Forget whether these bosses know what they are talking about. What matters is that they look like they are in complete command.
In honor of that phenomenon, this list was inspired Dann Florek, who played Captain Donald Cragen on “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.” The list is dedicated to the late Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson, who will remain in our hearts as PWBG “Law and Order” District Attorney Arthur Branch.
People trust PBWGs because they look like reassuring, competent people who can handle things. The original PBWG as Reassurer-in-Chief was probably President Dwight D. Eisenhower.
President George W. Bush needed to convince America that a stimulus package was necessary to solve a financial crisis. Enter Hank Paulson.
President Barack Obama needed to handle an oil spill. Enter National Incident Commander Thad Allen. Nobody knew what his title meant, but he looked authoritative. Allen also resembled a walrus, and people trust walruses.
After NIC Allen looked his part, it was time to deal with the insurance claims. Obama found Ken Feinberg, who looked like he was born to be a claims adjuster. Feinberg remains a hero to technocrats everywhere.
With that, here are the Top Ten PBWGs of 2015.
10.) Deron Freatis — Many Americans may be asking, “Who the heck is Deron Freatis?” He has been my friend since we were both six years old. 37 years of friendship matters, but Deron entered this list on merit.
On October 11, 2014, he made two major announcements. First, he told the world he was gay.
Then came the real bombshell. He has zero interest in being a political activist. 2015 was the year when everybody was an activist about everything. While activists were complaining, Deron had the moral courage to just live his life. Do not bore him with your political and social views.
He is a normal American. Talk to him about sports. This is 2015.
America did not reach full equality until Deron became the first openly gay man to be one of America’s top PBWGs. David Geffen does not count, because he did not make this specific list. Deron, to the next 37 years of friendship, my friend.
9.) Jeffrey Tambor — Normally pop culture figures do not deserve to be on any list involving positive recognition, but Mr. Tambor just keeps getting better as an actor. From “The Larry Sanders Show” to
“Arrested Development,” Tambor has perfect comedic timing.
His role as the lead cable executive in the new DirecTV commercials are him at his best. He deserves a lifetime achievement award for delivering one of television’s nastiest funny lines in a serious voice. “When a man says he’s going to die, and then he doesn’t, that is just so inconsiderate.”
8.) Steve Ballmer — Until recently, Ballmer was just a software geek who went from being Bill Gates’s roommate to the head honcho of Microsoft when Gates retired. Everything changed in 2014 when Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling had his infamous racist meltdown. NBA Commissioner and 2014 PBWG Adam Silver banned Sterling for life. Ballmer then spent $2 billion to purchase the team. Sterling was one of the worst owners in sports. Ballmer is a hyper-competitive man willing to finally bring the Clippers respectability.
7.) Pete Ricketts — Those living on the coasts think the only PBWGs to run states are Rick Scott of Florida
and Jerry Brown of California. In Middle America, it is all about Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts. Is he doing a good job? Well, the state is still standing. Ricketts succeeded the guy who defeated legendary Nebraska Cornhuskers Coach Tom Osborne.
While most people could not pick Ricketts out of a lineup, Nebraska is not about glamour. Nebraska is normal, hardworking Americans who keep their heads down and just do their jobs. Pete Ricketts was born to be a Nebraska Governor.
6.) Larry David — The man who teamed up with Jerry Seinfeld to create one of America’s great sitcoms was once just the alter ego of Jason Alexander’s George Costanza. He then went on to become his obnoxiously unlikable self on “Curb Your Enthusiasm.”
Destined to forever be Laurie David’s ex-husband, David received his big break when Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders decided to run for President. Not since Tina Fey played Sarah Palin has there been such a perfect match of politics and entertainment.
David plays Sanders better than Sanders plays himself, leading to issues of whether David really does wear underwear belonging to Sanders.
Saturday Night Live is thanking their lucky stars that David found a way to bring life to a boring Democrat presidential primary.
5.) Ty J. Young — This guy is everywhere. His commercial has run about eight billion times. Even during the
2008 financial crisis, his clients did not lose money.
He never says why or how, but that is irrelevant. He has yet to be carted off to jail, so let’s assume that his investment strategies are legal.
We could reveal that he just removes most of the volatility from his investments, but why spoil the illusion of a magic trick?
Invest with him, and he assures you that you will not lose money.
4.) Matthew Shay — He is the National Retail Federation CEO. The
business of America is business.
Forget the outgoing president, the courts, or Congress. The Federal Reserve does not even have a PBWG at the top anymore. The key to the economy is economic growth, and the retail sector plays a vital role. If the fourth quarter retail sales are not up to par, the American economy will continue to stagnate.
This man is a key player, no matter who becomes the next president. Help him out. Buy something. Now.
3.) Marilyn Mosby — Many people may wonder how a Baltimore prosecutor can be a PBWG when she is female, black, and has hair. We live in a world of Rachel Dolezal, Rupaul and Caitlyn Jenner. More importantly, we live in a world where Black Lives Matter and other groups complain about everything just because they feel like doing so.
At some point there would be riots in the streets and chants of “No justice, no peace” if this list did not become more diverse and multi-cultural.
She does wield power.
She was willing to foment race riots by charging police officers in the killing of a black man despite a very weak case. After a hung jury, she was willing to let the city burn by trying the first officer again.
Thirty years from now, after thirty hung juries and a few acquittals, she will still be trying to win this case. Her determination against all facts and legal reasoning coupled with the desire to fill a quota puts her on this list.
2.) Bernie Sanders — The Vermont senator is as much a Socialist as any other Democrat running for office, but he actually publicly admits it. He has galvanized thousands of young people, but nothing says hip and
cool like a cranky septuagenarian.
He has been in politics for decades, and most people cannot name a single thing he has ever actually gotten done.
Yet he is willing to give free everything to everybody, so what is not to like? He will not top this list in 2016 because the whole world outside of his rich white liberal college supporters know he is not going to be president. Hillary Clinton will not allow it, and he is scared to death of her, with good reason.
For now, he will have to settle for being an entertaining guy who helped Larry David find gainful employment again.
1.) Larry Hogan — Maryland Governor Larry Hogan is a serious inspiration for people everywhere. Americans tend to treat insignificant matters like life and death issues. Hogan knows the difference.
He shocked the political world in 2014 by getting elected as a Republican chief executive in deep blue Maryland. Barely after being sworn in, he was told that he had a very aggressive form of cancer.
There is nothing funny about a bald guy who lost his hair from a cancer battle. There is everything heroic about a guy who decides to keep showing up to work while battling cancer. He could have stepped down. He chose to stay and fight. Even his Democrat opponents respect and admire the dignity and class with which he has conducted himself.
While it would be an overstatement to say he has united fractured Maryland, Democrats and Republicans have united in praying for him. For showing us all what truly matters in life and his commitment to public service, Larry Hogan is a shining model for a better America.
For this, he is also the Top PBWG of 2015.