The Iranian negotiations: A behind the scenes exclusive [Satire]

The curtain has been pulled back to give us a satirical glimpse as to how the All Mighty and Powerful Oz made it all happen


MIAMI BEACH, Fla., Jan. 18, 2015 — [SATIRE] President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, Secretary of State John Kerry, and Attorney General Loretta Lynch sat in the dimly lit Oval Office, huddled around the Resolute Desk, staring into the speakerphone and listening intently to the disembodied voice of Hassan Rouhani, the president of Iran.

Rouhani had been going on and on about how the Iranian people are a proud people and that it is high time that the Great Satan respect them. For too long the West had dismissed them as an “also-ran,” but now they are coming into their own.

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Finally he finished his diatribe. Obama and his team sat in silent confusion, now looking at each other, pointing fingers to indicate who should respond. Finally, Biden broke the silence. “Hassan, you know we gotta say, what you did with those sailors last week, it got us thinking: You really have changed. You didn’t even rape the female sailor. That’s some great personal growth for you guys.” Lynch slapped Biden in the face and mouth that he should shut up.

“One of them was a woman?! We didn’t know! We certainly won’t let that happen again. Thank you for pointing that out, Joe.”

“Anyway,” Kerry took up the lead in the conversation while looking sideways at Biden, “now that we are going to be lifting sanctions and sending you about 150 billion dollars …”

“Wait, did you say billion?”

“Yes sir.”

“With a ‘B’?”

“That’s what I have here in my notes. Anyhow, we need to discuss those Americans you have in your prisons.”

“Of course. I am sure you would like us to release them?”

“Why yes, we would like that very much.”

“Not a problem. $150 billion, with a ‘B’, and no reprisals for that incident with your sailors, I can make that happen. Consider it done.”

“Well, you know, we have some Iranian prisoners too. They broke the law and we have them in our federal prisons.”

“Yes, I know. They are criminals. They aren’t hostages, so I won’t even ask about them -”

“Well, we would totally give them back to you.”

“You really don’t need to do that. We are getting so much from you right now so, it’s okay.”

“Not only would we give them to you, but we will also commute their sentences.”

“Well, that’s really something. I mean, if I were greedy I would ask that they be pardoned completely, even before trial!” Rouhani laughs uncontrollably.

“Can we do that?” Obama asks Lynch.

“Don’t see why we shouldn’t,” she responds.

“I mean legally.”

“Does that really matter?” Lynch responds with a wink.

“DEAL!” shouts Biden.

Rouhani, stunned by the offer, stammers that they have several Americans in custody and would be releasing them all at once.

“Just the four names I listed would be sufficient,” Obama cooly replied. A great feeling a pride swelled within him as he now was able to do something his political predecessor and idol had failed to do. He was going to finally best Jimmy Carter and get Iran to release American hostages.

“But we have more hostages, I mean prisoners.”

“That’s okay.”

“What about former FBI agent Levinson, the Jew?”

Obama looks around at his assembled team, and with with a knowing approval and chuckles, “Nah, that’s okay, you can keep him.”

“But we really don’t want him anymore. He’s getting old and sick.”

“You know what? You can keep him, and I’ll have John here, call Argentina to get them to stop that whole inquiry into the murdering 85 Jews at the AMIA Jewish center bombing in Buenos Aires in 1994 that we all know you guys had a hand in. How does that sound?”

“Well, that sounds wonderful. But what’s the catch? I mean, what more do you want me to give up? Do you want me to recognize Israel? I don’t think that can happen just yet, but with all these things you’re giving me … “

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“That won’t be necessary.”

“Well then, what is it you want?”

“It would be nice if you would endorse the Democratic front runner for president.”

“But I already emailed Clinton my support and even sent her foundation tons of money. Same thing I did for you both times. You want more?”

“Could you maybe see to it that gas prices go up again so I can pitch green energy?”

“I guess.”

“Thanks Hassan. You are a true gentleman.”

“OK, Barack.”

“One more thing. Can I count on your vote for UN Secretary General next year?”

[Please note: The above article is satirical. It is not meant to report news or convey actual events.]

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