WASHINGTON, April 11, 2014 — Cliven Bundy is a man besieged. His ranch, which has been in his family for almost a century and a half, has come under the righteous fire of the federal government.
Bundy is allegedly guilty of allowing his cattle to graze on federal land, and the audacity is breathtaking. Without so much as a by-your-leave from the federal government, Cliven and his family have let their cows wreak havoc among the protected habitat of the endangered desert tortoise.
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The habitat, which covers nearly two hundred thousand acres, was closed off to grazers and their climate change inducing bovines in 1998.
However, Cliven has refused to pay the fees and fines he owes to the government for letting his “environmentally dangerous” cattle graze on land his family has worked since before the turn of the last century.
How can we have a system of laws, and a powerful federal government, if people do not do what they are told?
In a spirit of misguided brotherhood and support, dozens of “miscreant” protesters have arrived at the ranch in Nevada in order to prove a point about the alleged misuse and overstep of government power. These “dangerous” protesters were met by the long arm of the federal government, as armed Bureau of Land Management officers with personal defense weapons and community outreach canine partners valiantly held off assault after assault at the hands of reckless law breakers.
As the number of the “traitorous” protesters increased, the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) agents employed a brilliant new ploy in order to maintain maximum control of the situation.
They established a First Amendment Zone.
The mechanics of this wondrous manifestation of beautiful, bureaucratic, government control are simple and elegant in design. The BLM agents at the scene simply found an area near the entrance to Bundy’s ranch and cordoned off a space capable of accommodating a large crowd, and with the magic of federal government, they blessed the area and granted it special First Amendment powers after they held a séance calling on the spirit of FDR for protection, as is the law.
Of course in order for the protesters to be able to find it they made the barrier color bright orange.
Now, if protestors want to exercise their government provided privilege to free speech, they can do so in the confines of the small orange square outside of Mr. Cliven Bundy’s ranch in Nevada. It would seem, however, that if one were to practice First Amendment privileges outside of the confines and protection of that bright orange box, they would be in violation of the favor and pleasure of the Bureau of Land Management, and thus the displeasure of their masters in Washington.
This is not the first development in the battle against reclaiming the government’s right to subdue the people of this “free” nation. Due to the tireless efforts of agents and policy makers in Washington, DC one hundred miles inward of all US borders are inherently free of the burdens of the Constitution.
These “Constitution Free Zones” have made it much easier for the government to do what it does best, force the people to get in line without any possible recourse.
It does not, and will not stop there. There are so many other possibilities agencies and governments around the country can put into place to help continue the plight of the government’s gradual reclamation of lost power.
Let’s look at the possibilities.
First and foremost, it would behoove the United States federal government to establish some kind of agency tasked with increasing government control and limiting the rights of the people to exercise their constitutionally afforded privileges.
We shall call it the Bureau of Constitutional Erosion, or the BCE.
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Warrants are always a hassle. The police have to find probable cause, they have to take it before a judge, and the judge has to okay it. Without the legal warrant requirement the police can’t search your home without your permission which makes the job of law enforcement much more difficult.
The BCE should start enforcing #WarrantlessWednesdays, where every Wednesday the Fourth Amendment no longer applies. This way, one day a week, the police don’t have to go through all of that trouble trying to uphold the Constitution and all of that pesky adherence to the law that has the ACLU in such a tiff. They will just be able to, without cause, every #WarrantlessWednesday, break down doors and search houses.
This can be repeated with other privileges the plebeians enjoy because of the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. Sunday can be Second Amendment Nullified Sundays, and No-Fourteenth Amendment Fridays.
The BCE can also help enhance the governments reach and authority by holding game shows for people filing lawsuits. Instead of citizens being able to bring their cases before the Supreme Court, they have to complete a series of obstacle courses and trigonometry questions of varying degree of difficulty, often at the same time. And if they are eventually triumphant, and only after they have defeated LeBron James at a one on one game of basketball, can the citizen obtain the ruling that they wish. This will of course allow Congress to pass laws that they know are not constitutionally sound, without fear that the average, or even somewhat talented citizen, would have the ability to solve advanced math whilst being dunked on by LeBron James.
Following the harrowing tale of the English boys school that was lost at sea following a harrowing plane crash in Lord of the Flies, the Bureau of Constitutional Erosion, or BCE, should institute the a program called “the Liberty Conch.” In the story, the children restricted the right to speak based on who was in possession of the conch. So the Liberty Conch would be a communal device passed around from person to person that would grant them their Constitutional privileges only when they were holding it. Each town will organize communities, and each community will be given a Liberty Conch. That way, no more than one person per community is practicing their Constitutional privileges at one time.
If the BCE wants to take their power to the extreme, they can attempt to do away with that childish celebration of our nation’s birth, and replace it with “Your Rights Don’t Matter Day” essentially rendering the Constitution invalid for 24 hours. Instead of veterans marching and music playing, and fireworks and good times, troops march into your neighborhoods and install martial law. Be in bed by 7pm little Timmy, you don’t want your first memories erased because you got tasered playing stickball with your pals!
If anything has been taught to us by the capable agents of the Bureau of Land Management in the Nevada standoff with that trespassing rancher, it’s that with the right amount of muscle and intimidation, the Constitutional rights of every American to speak freely can be reduced to a small orange rectangle in the desert.
What will they think of next?