LOS ANGELES, Jan. 12, 2016 — President Obama is set to interrupt prime time television programming to address the nation for his final State of the Useless address. With 70 percent of Americans believing America is on the wrong track, Obama is running out of time and opportunities to ignore nearly three-quarters of the nation. His speech will consist of platitudes, slogans, bromides, meanderings and a touch of general nonsense. It will be a vague cloud of words with a hint of a detailed plan of inaction.
It will be every speech Obama has ever given and every speech he will give.
While this will be his final State of the Union speech, it will not be his final speech. Once he is done speaking, he will board Air Force One and travel around the country to keep giving the same speech.
He will leaving an empty seat at the State of the Union as a gun control stunt. Lecturing the empty seat and the rest of America will be an empty suit. He should leave an empty podium to commemorate his own lack of substance and leadership. He worships buzzword bingo, saying words that sound deep and meaningful but in the end say absolutely nothing. His strongest supporters prop him up to avoid conceding their worship of a vapid man who confuses self-praise with accomplishment.
For those who would rather watch or listen to a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, fear not. Help is on the way. No sober individual could possibly enjoy Obama’s recycled speeches. Luckily, no law exists requiring people of legal age refrain from improving the experience with booze.
The Obama speech drinking game is out there for all to enjoy. While Obama remains drunk on power, the rest of America can just get drunk.
If you do not drink alcohol, use soda instead. A really great sugar rush can be just as fun.
The following phrases are to be immediately followed by Americans raising their beverage holders and imbibing healthy swigs.
“Let me be clear.” Whenever Obama says this, his next few sentences will be incoherent gibberish. If he were ever clear, he would not need to tell us that he was being clear. Speaking of Everclear, that stuff should be downed whenever he throws in another qualifier. If he wants us to be “crystal” clear, “perfectly” clear or some other absolutist phrase, down some Crystal or some Absolut Vodka.
“Make no mistake.” This phrase means that Obama has messed something up royally. He is telling Americans not to see his mistake as an actual mistake. We should ignore our lying eyes. He is right because he is him. This expression should be followed by accidentally dropping the cup of alcohol and then blaming somebody else.
“The right thing to do.” This is Obama’s favorite expression, the one that truly shows what an incredible pompous gasbag he has become. Whenever he tells us that something is right, the next step should be to offer evidence. He never does. Something is right simply because he said so and he agrees with it. Anyone who disagrees with him is wrong. Every time he says this phrase, recline to the right and then drink. Those looking for balance who need to recline to the left can wait for his Passover speech.
“We must act.” Whenever he tells America that the time for talk is over, it means that he has no idea what to say or that he briefly ran out of things to say. At this point he needs a drink himself. He keeps forgetting that he is the commander in chief. By telling us that we must act, he is shifting the responsibility from his failure to do his job to our failure to demand that somebody do his job. Perhaps he means we must become actors and actresses. Those watching the speech in a bar must jump on the stage and drink upon his ordering us to act.
“No time to wait.” Not only must we act, but we must act now, this very instant, or there will be global collapse. Whenever he tells us that we cannot wait, it means that the issue is of unbelievable unimportance. Usually this phrase is associated with incredibly boring people talking about climate change, free contraception, and the Washington Redskins name. While ISIS actually does matter, it is Obama who waited for seven years and then became concerned once the polls told him to worry.
“Everyone agrees.” This statement is his way of telling us that the discussion is over. Everyone will either agree with him or he will demonize them as racist, sexist, bigoted homophobes who kick puppies and kittens. By everyone, he means the people who support him. Those who disagree with him are not human beings with legitimate points of view. They can be ignored when crunching the numbers. When he says this phrase, everyone should drink until he makes sense. This will require plenty of alcohol.
“No time for politics.” He is demanding that nobody criticize his job performance before the 2016 elections. Everybody must fall in line like children in North Korea and obey their dear leader. Anyone agreeing with Obama is acting in the best interests of America while anyone disagreeing with him is playing politics.
Other phrases worthy of ingesting enough alcohol to cause blurred vision include “invest in education,” “I inherited a mess,” “forward,” “fairness,” “right direction” and his all-time classic, “this is not about me.”
Those wishing to stay sober should refuse to have a solitary drop of alcohol unless Obama says the phrases “Benghazi,” “IRS abuses,” “Fast and Furious,” “War on terror” or “radical Islam.” Those wanting to stay sober forever should wait for him to say the words, “I was wrong” about anything, ever.
After the speech he will be taking selfies and admiring his golf swing in the mirror. While no action to deal with the threat of radical Islam is expected by this president, he will be willing to give another speech once he takes a nap after finishing this one. That should give college fraternities just enough time to sleep off the hangovers, clean the place up and get ready for the next Obama speech drinking game.