WASHINGTON, November 2, 2016 – A surgical patient was seriously injured in a bizarre accident in a Tokyo hospital. A laser was being applied to her cervix when she “farted” (the preferred journalistic term), the expelled gas was ignited by the laser, and the laser and her hospital gown burst into flames.
The woman was left screaming in agony with severe burns on her body, waist and legs. As a metaphor for Election 2016, the story is about right.
The campaign season promised to be grim before it started, but it has exceeded all expectations. The body politic has been expelling gas at an astonishing rate, the resulting explosions leaving many people shell-shocked and in emotional pain. In just the last week this campaign has given us:
- New State Department emails possibly related to the Hillary Clinton email investigation, uncovered when FBI agents were digging through the muck on Anthony Weiner’s computer in search of sexts to teenage girls and kiddie porn;
- Unconfirmed reports that Donald Trump has a dedicated server for use in communicating with a Russian bank;
- Unconfirmed and bizarre reports that Russian intelligence spent decades attempting to recruit Trump as an intelligence asset;
- An entirely credible report on Trump’s taxes and the tricks he used to avoid paying them;
- A WikiLeaks email from Clinton campaign manager John Podesta saying that “Hillary is acting ‘like a retard’ since her head injury” and wondering how anyone noticed, then observing that she smells “of boiled cabbage, urine and farts” and suggesting “that she rarely bathes”;
- Clinton surrogate James Carville losing all sense of reality and claiming that the FBI, the KGB and the GOP are in cahoots to hijack the election.
How can satire exist when the “real news” is a parody?
This campaign has thrown information at us about the fraudulent Trump Foundation, the possibly criminal Clinton Foundation, Trump University, charges of corruption and child rape, rigged debates, sexual assault, Trump’s donations to an anti-vaxx crusade, the voting dead and a constant barrage of emails hacked by the GRU or FSB or guys in bathrobes in their parents’ basements and distributed by an exile in the Ecuadoran embassy in London.
Clinton’s crumbling house of cards
And November has a week to give us a few surprises of its own. How low can this campaign go? It can always go lower.
Allegations have recently surfaced that Donald Trump has been seen masticating in public. He’s been known to play with his dongle in the presence of children, and he was heard commenting that a female executive in his organization had acute angina. Trump’s propensity to invaginate whenever he feels like it has raised eyebrows, and he was caught on camera during the filming of The Apprentice in the act of jaculation.
Clinton has her own new scandals brewing. It’s now known that she attended a school where boys and girls matriculated together. Her aids describe her as frequently pershittie around others, and she was caught playing tit-bore with her grandchild. Her relations with her husband have been characterized by some of her closest supporters as the result of peniaphobia, and she’s been caught masticating in public as vigorously as Trump.
She also has a penchant for displaying her uvula when she’s bored.
One week to go. Then the burning farts will stop and the lawsuits will begin. God bless America.