WASHINGTON, November 18, 2016 — Trumplandia is a vast continent comprised of bustling cities and quiet hamlets, towering mountains and plains with waves of amber grain. Within its territory are small pockets of California and New York states. But the spot where Connecticut once stood is filled by the navigable waters of the Atlantic Ocean and rechristened the “Connecticut Strait.”
The aforementioned is the cartographic reality of post-election America, and the sad cartographers are the editors at The New York Times. They call that wide swath of our planet “Trump’s America.”
“We took the election results and created two new imaginary nations by slicing the country along the sharp divide between Republican and Democratic Americas,” said the Times gloomily.
The map representing “Clinton’s America” is for the most part a vast ocean, with cities like Boston, New York, Miami, San Diego, San Francisco, Portland and Seattle forming a peripheral island archipelago ringing a massive inland sea.
Not since Tyrannosaurus Rex hunted its prey in the primeval forests of the late Cretaceous, more than 65 million years ago, has the North American continent stored so much water in its midsection.
You may recall that one of Earth’s geologic layers – the K-T Boundary – separates the age of the dinosaurs from that of us triumphant mammals. Contained within this sedimentary layer is an unnaturally high concentration of iridium, an element found in abundance in asteroids and comets.
Scientific consensus holds that an asteroid of at least 6 miles in diameter slammed into the Yucatan Peninsula in present-day Mexico. The fire and brimstone it unleashed was soon followed by a nuclear winter, the calling card of a cruel and unfeeling Mother Nature. The same Mother Nature that today’s environmentalists believe is frail and in need of their help.
Like the confused and lumbering lizards of the Mesozoic, some of whom had brains no bigger than a walnut, some Democrats can’t wrap their heads around the catastrophic election results of November 8th.
Over at the hard-left website Daily Kos, one angry dinosaur spoke of the American voter in the manner of the recently trounced Hillary Clinton, “Listen, the voting public is dumb. Most do not understand the issues. But what they do understand is shit not getting done, things not getting better for them. These voters will listen to any lying blowhard.”
He described the Obama White House as “the most INEFFECTIVE MESSAGING WHITE HOUSE EVER,” adding that the Clinton’s “never sat and let the Republicans define them.”
That was certainly the case for the more timid members of the GOP in the 1990s and today. But Donald Trump, not a conventional Republican, is not shy when it comes to defining his opponents.
His label “crooked Hillary” certainly stuck.
The House of Representatives remains in Republican hands as does the U.S. Senate. And armies of potential cabinet members for the upcoming Trump administration enter golden elevators that rise to the president-elect’s Manhattan penthouse in a tower that bears his name.
That name destroyed Democratic Dinotopia. It’s the asteroid known as Donald J. Trump.