The 2016 campaign: Private parts and private e-mails

Bernie Sanders thinks there are no poor white people, Hillary is paying herself $250,000 to campaign, and GOP bosses hate Trump and Cruz enough to trot out Romney. Again.


PHOENIX, March 8 2016 — The problem with Republican politicians is that they get elected by promising to do what they said they would do—and then they don’t do it.

The problem with Democratic politicians is that they get elected by promising to do what they said they would do—and then they do it.

The GOP establishment is wringing its hands and gnashing its teeth over the state of the Republican presidential race. They fear Trump, despise Cruz, will accept Rubio and can’t remember who this Kasich person is.

The brought this on themselves.

The GOP lost any chance at winning the White House in 2016 the moment Marco Rubio started talking about Donald Trump’s penis. Democrats at least have the common decency to keep those kinds of personal discussions between Bill Clinton and White House interns, and between Anthony Weiner and his Twitter followers.

The GOP debates have devolved into something even more chaotic than the battle scene finale from the Marx Brothers movie Duck Soup. There is Trumpo, Cruzo, Marco and Zeppich. (Zeppo Marx was always the straight man who never got any good lines—like Kasich.)

On Thursday, the GOP establishment trotted out Mitt Romney to rail against Trump and his fitness to be president. Romney called Trump a con man. Apparently, this is different than Republican politicians’ habit of not doing what they said they would do.

Romney ran a campaign in 2012 that was so underwhelming, many GOP voters stayed home, believing that if Romney could sleep through his campaign, the least they could do was to get a solid nap in rather than going to the polls on election day.

Romney hopes that nobody will have enough delegates to win the nomination outright when the GOP convention rolls around; then he will swoop in as the savior. Should no one have enough delegates, the nominee could be selected by the GOP establishment negotiating in, if not a smoke-filled room, perhaps a vape-filled designated smoking area.

Perhaps Romney can put us to sleep again in the general election. Or perhaps we’ll d go with a radical approach this time and try someone who could actually win.

Marco Rubio, looking for anything positive to show his campaign donors, won the GOP primary in Puerto Rico. Yes, they really have one, but Puerto Rico is a fake state so it doesn’t really count, rather like Vermont. Rubio is also hoping to do well in the primaries in Guam and the Lesser Antilles, although we’re unsure of any actual delegates there.

For his part, Kasich is holding on for dear life until the Ohio primary, when he hopes to do better in Cleveland than Johnny Manziel.

The Democrats held a debate on Sunday in Flint, Michigan, where the only thing worse than the water is Michael Moore’s personality. Flint, whose town slogan is, “We’re not Venezuela yet!” has been run so badly by Democratic politicians for over 80 years that the state of Michigan finally had to take it over.

The water crisis in Flint is serious. After you take a shower in Flint, you’re dirtier than before you got in, and toxic, too. It’s the only place in America where water is flammable. During the debate, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders discussed the crisis and took turns blaming the Republicans. Naturally, they told everyone the federal government can fix it.

Sanders continues to chastise Clinton for her ties to Wall Street. Not taking a back seat, Clinton continues to harp on corporate greed, too. And Clinton, who, according to the Daily Caller has paid herself nearly $250,000 from her campaign over the last year, certainly seems to have more than just a passing acquaintance with greed. No doubt she scoffs at that $250,000 salary since she can make almost that much from Goldman Sachs in an hour, without even having to go to Flint.

The ongoing FBI investigation into Clinton’s private e-mail server while she was Secretary of State continues to haunt her campaign. When asked about them during the debate she naturally brought up—Donald Trump.

There was no mention of anyone’s private parts during the debate in Flint. To be certain of that, Clinton told Huma to make sure her husband was nowhere near his Twitter account during the televised debate.

At one point Sanders said that white people don’t know what it’s like to be poor, or something like that. This news came as a bit of a surprise to poor white people.

Sanders, who may have actually had a job once, still tries to make a case for free everything. And he knows for certain exactly how many different types of deodorants should be available.

The way things are shaping up, there can’t be enough deodorant to make this year’s campaign smell any better

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Curtice Mang earned a Political Science degree after attending college during the depths of the Carter Administration, a time where the only thing worse than the Carter malaise was Disco. He is the author of two books of political humor, The Smell of Politics: The Good, The Bad, and The Odorous and The Constitution – I’m Not Kidding and Other Tales of Liberal Folly. He has worked in the insurance industry for over 30 years and is also a high school basketball coach. In addition to CommDigiNews, Curtice contributes to multiple conservative websites, including Broadside News, Front Lines and What Would the Founders Think. He can be found at, where his books are also available for purchase for a song (and the cover price). Contact Curtice at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter @curticemang. He can also be found wandering about on Facebook and Google+. His views are his own - mostly because no one else would claim them.