PHOENIX, Ariz., February 20, 2016 — It might have been Harry Truman who said that science would confirm Einstein’s theory of relativity before a socialist would ever win an American presidential primary. Or, maybe it was the girl in the AT&T commercials. Either way, they were wrong. A socialist won a presidential primary a full two days before at least a portion of Einstein’s theory was confirmed.
A team of scientists recently announced they had detected gravitational waves, their passage indicated by a fleeting chirp, caused by a collision of two massive black holes. The timing was purely coincidental; the fact that Bernie Sanders handily defeated Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire had nothing to do with the two black holes colliding.
Some political pundits argued that that fleeting chirp was actually the faint echo of Jeb Bush’s dying campaign.
One of the black holes was about 36 times the mass of the sun, the other 29 times (34 before going on Jenny Craig and slimming down. “I lost 11,230,116,487,159,662,105 pounds and five suns.”) And they were about a billion light years away.
I can barely understand baseball’s infield fly rule, so the concept of black holes in space, gobbling up matter like Michael Moore at a buffet table is a bit beyond my comprehension.
Yet this was, according to the scientists, the first direct evidence of gravitational waves. According to the New York Times, this completes Einstein’s “vision of a universe in which space and time are interwoven and dynamic, able to stretch, shrink and jiggle.” That sounds a bit like a description for a Baywatch reunion show.
For perspective, on earth there are only three things that can be considered similar to black holes. They are socialism, a Bill Belichick post-game press conference, and the Clinton Foundation accounting practices.
Pope Francis decided to weigh in on Donald Trump, stating, “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.” Except, it seems, if one is the Pope. The Vatican has quite an impressive wall around it. It’s been there a long time too. I’m quite sure he’s seen it; it’s pretty big. It’s so high it would take Superman at least two bounds to leap over it. It keeps out a lot of the riffraff; the Pope calls them Italians.
Given the Pope’s logic about Trump, we should ask, Is the Pope still Catholic?
It’s almost certain that if the United States built a wall like that on its southern border it would keep out a lot of—Italians.
News of the death of Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia shocked many across the country. Liberals mourned the loss for almost thirty full seconds before jumping on Twitter and Facebook and doing the social media equivalent of the wave. Scalia’s death also caused liberals to discover something they heretofore had no idea previously existed: the Constitution.
President Obama announced that he would nominate a replacement to the court. Senate Republicans said they wouldn’t entertain an Obama nominee in the last year of his presidency, citing at least 80 years of precedent as well as the Democrats’ own stated intransigence when George W. Bush was president. Yes, Senators Leahy and Schumer, we’re looking at you.
Democrats cried foul, claiming that the Republicans were being obstructionists and that it must be in the Constitution somewhere that only Democrats could do that with judicial nominees. The Senate GOP countered that they were familiar with the Constitution, especially the part about the Senate’s advice and consent. Further, they were thrilled that the Obama administration seemed to have discovered a copy of it lying around the White House someplace.
Campaigning in South Carolina, Hillary Clinton claimed that Senate Republicans’ refusal is motivated by racism. She said they use code words and stuff. For example, when McConnell says the Senate won’t hold hearing on any Obama Supreme Court nominee, what that really means is that the Senate won’t hold hearings on any Supreme Court nominee.
I’m so glad that Hillary was able to clear that up for us.
Of course, when Hillary charges the Republicans with racism, that’s really code for the fact that in South Carolina, where the Republican governor is Indian-American, and in a country where the GOP has an African-American and two guys named Cruz and Rubio running for president, it’s best not to confuse the Democratic primary voters with facts.
Naturally, it goes without saying Hillary Clinton and facts rarely travel in the same circle. And when I say rarely, that’s really code for—never.