HONOLULU, Hawaii, January 20, 2015 – Social networks all across the Internet are exploding with frenetic conservative anxiety well in advance of President Obama even stepping foot behind the speaker’s rostrum, let alone announcing his latest State of the Union. Conservatives are worried that Obama will raise taxes, hand out all of our hard earned money to freeloaders and illegal aliens and somehow completely surrender to the anti-civilization forces of Islamic terrorism abroad.
But why are they worried? Didn’t we just elect a GOP majority to Congress?
The way conservatives are complaining on Twitter and Facebook, you’d think that Obama wasn’t the President of the United States but in fact none other than the Emperor of the Known Universe, capable of unilaterally deciding god-like mandates without any say or opposition from the 300 congressional Republicans we just elected a few months ago (or even the five justices appointed by staunch Republican presidents like George W. Bush to the Supreme Court).
Surely conservatives must realize that the Speaker of the House is a Republican, which means that he must be conservative. Conservatives – unlike liberals and other low-information voters – were almost all A+ students in high school civics class and summa cum laude political science majors in college, so they know all too well that the U.S. Speaker of the House is a rule-making overlord who can, should he please, load any Democratic bill or resolution with infinite committee referrals, making it impossible to clear a Republican held House.
Surely conservatives must also know that all standing and special committees are chaired by Republican committee chairs, who in their own right are lesser gods capable of choosing at will what gets heard and what doesn’t. A committee chair can, with a miraculous program called Microsoft Word, turn a bill proposing to raise taxes on the middle class into a sarcastic bill that makes cream-filled donuts the official food of the United States of America which takes effect on March 22, 2233 – the same birthday as Star Trek’s Captain Kirk. Nothing clears a committee without the expressed permission of the chair, and let’s not even talk about what their staffers can do with the committee reports.
Surely conservatives have nothing to fear, no matter what Obama says at the SOTU.
After all, every single Republican member of Congress elected in November 2014 campaigned on fighting Obama’s liberal agenda and rolling back the radicalism of the Democrats. With the exception of Hawaii Republican congressional candidates who attempt to win elections by taking photos with President Obama and promising to “work with” the Democrats, Republican candidates for Congress are tigers, one-man armies who can always be trusted to vote no to Obama’s ideas.
Surely conservatives know that Republicans can always be trusted to always vote conservative, and that when the GOP is in majority, America can rest easy at night – not even needing to stay up late to watch the SOTU – knowing that the GOP stands on a wall and says “Constitutionalists and conservatives, nothing’s gonna touch you tonight!”
All of this conservative anxiety and paranoia on social networks makes it sound like Republicans can’t be trusted. Much like polite churchgoers with weak faith who show a lack of trust in God when they say things like “Maybe God won’t heal me this time” or “Maybe God won’t come through on the bills this time” or “Maybe God doesn’t want me to be successful in life” these weak-faith conservatives reveal how little they truly trust the GOP that they voted so fervently to re-elect.
So, “Maybe god [our unquestioning, blind brand loyalty to the Republican Party] won’t fix America this time.”
The reality is conservatives are afraid of what President Obama will say tonight because in spite of all the rhetoric from November and all the grandstanding by newly minted “conservative stars” in Congress, they know that Republicans can always be trusted to cave and support the liberal-progressive agenda.
After all, the GOP did such a great job repealing the Department of Education, mandating a balanced budget amendment to the U.S. Constitution, strengthening national defense to Reagan-era levels, abolishing Obamacare and all the other things they’ve been promising us since 1994, right?