LOS ANGELES, January 21, 2015 — President Obama showed in his sixth State of the Union address why he is the greatest leader to ever lead any nation anywhere.
MLK Day should be renamed BHO Day. Obama lit up the night sky with the most inspiring State of the Union address since the founding of the Republic. His place on Mt. Rushmore now secured; the word “transformational” should have his picture next to it.
The crisis is over; it’s springtime in America.
Obama bravely took on his own party when he pointed out the failed liberal policies that have destroyed the city he helped run.
On foreign policy, he named the names of all the people who pushed the false video narrative that has led to a film-maker being imprisoned on trumped-up charges. He thanked the ACLU for demanding the young man’s release and made it clear that radical Islam was to blame for the murder of Ambassador Stevens in Benghazi.
In an attempt to bring America together, he graciously thanked President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney for giving him the interrogation techniques necessary to capture Osama bin Laden.
He ended by telling the America people that while he deeply believes in investing in education, a green economy, and Obamacare, there would be no further activist government programs until the economy was fully dealt with.
The rest of the speech was murky due to Shannen Doherty showing up at my door wearing only an overcoat. She was carrying a steak dinner in one hand and Super Bowl tickets in the other hand. Apparently she would happily convert to Judaism in exchange for back massages every time Obama stirred America’s heartstrings.
Fine, every word so far has been as phony as a Barack Obama speech (except for the Shannen Doherty part).
As expected, this was the “State of the Useless.” A man with zero real world experience and only grand visions offered zero ideas on how to pay for anything. When Congress refuses to act, he will just move unilaterally.
What is his energy policy? Nobody knows. Keystone Pipeline? He dislikes it but cannot say why. Investing in education by making community college free? More government involvement in failed public schools is just another way to make them worse.
Climate change is a bigger threat than radical Islam. So says Barack Obama, where the “O” stands for obtuse.
In a stunning move that is shocking only to those still unsure if water truly is wet, Obama will go out on the campaign trail to take his case to the people. He will speak in front of adoring crowds who already agree with him. Real Americans in middle America who work for a living will be lighting up congressional phones demanding these proposals go down in flames. The 2014 election will be ignored as an obtuse man with tin ears refuses to use them to listen to anybody.
His agenda will die in Congress and his executive orders will all be reversed. Nothing in this speech will ever be translated into meaningful laws, nor should any of it. It was his most meaningful speech since his inauguration address a couple of weeks ago. It was his most eagerly anticipated speech until the next one he gives tomorrow where he says the same things.
Explaining to Obama that the people just want real jobs is a waste of time. Reality bores him, so he chooses not to live in the same zip code where it is found. Since his supporters judge him based on ideology, intentions and melanin content, the results will not matter.
Chris Matthews concluded the evening by serenading Obama to Mary J. Blige’s “You are everything, and everything is you.” James Taylor then crooned while John Kerry shared a passionate French kiss with Francois Hollande. After witnessing Kerry and Hollande, Obama celebrated gay marriage, confusing homosexuals with effeminate Pajamaboy-type metrosexuals.
Forgive me for tuning out President Obama. It is tough to figure out the best after-dinner position to lay in while Miss Doherty drops peeled grapes into my mouth. The rest of America does not need my reasons. Everybody with life experience more significant than yelling “No justice, No peace” on the South Side of Chicago knows that Obama is not God or Satan. He is just meaningless and boring.
People wanting adult leadership should read the text of Senator Joni Ernst’s Republican Response. If Obama had everyone in a sleep-induced coma before his remarks, that only proves his brilliance.
The State of the Useless 2015 was great escapist television. Think of it as “The Real Housewives,” only shallower.
People praising the speech will not remember it by tomorrow. Obama spoke for so long that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. has a new dream that Obama will stop talking.
Obama loves him some him. In two years he can hug himself as much as he wants when he is not on the taxpayer dime.