Scoop: Advanced Copy of Tuesday’s State of The Union Speech

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Watching Obama deliver the State of the Union address at Tommy's Joynt in San Francisco - Image by Steve Rhodes for Flickr (2010)
Watching Obama deliver the State of the Union address at Tommy's Joynt in San Francisco - Image by Steve Rhodes for Flickr (2010)

WASHINGTON, January 26, 2014 – The Obama administration released the text of Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, anticipating a huge response.  It is certainly yet another stunning piece of rhetorical genius that we have come to expect.

Usually kept a secret until it is actually delivered, it is assumed that it will be received unlike any other speech the President has given. Our sources have leaked the following working document:

“My fellow Americans blah blah blah blah blah blah ME blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ME blah blah blah blah ME blah blah blah blah GOVERNMENT MUST blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah  blah blah EVIL TEA PARTY blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah LET ME BE CLEAR blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah EVIL REPUBLICANS blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah TAXES ARE TOO LOW blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I SUPPORT ISRAEL blah blah blah blah INCOME INEQUALITY blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah NEW IDEAS blah blah blah blah blah blah blah EVIL RICH blah blah blah blah OBAMACARE IS WORKING blah blah blah blah blah blah I blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ME blah blah ME blah blah blah blah blah blah (LONG PAUSE) blah  blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah OBAMACARE IS WORKING blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah  GOVERNMENT CAN blah blah blah blah blah blah blah YOU NEED ME blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I WILL DO WHAT I WANT IN-SPITE OF CONGRESS blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah CARING blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah CHANGE blah blah blah blah blah blah blah TOMORROW WILL BE GREAT blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah (REPEAT 259 TIMES)”

Obviously, some additional flourishes (but probably not any actual facts) may be added between now and the time of the speech itself, but one way or another, it will certainly be an event not to be missed.

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  • mariesnylife

    I am afraid this is accurate

    • jkubin

      Yes, I am as well. We can also add things like – Republicans war on women; The economy is better, and lets not forget “al-Queda is on the run… we have won the war on terror..” Tell that to the parents whose kids are headed to Sochi…

      • Tyler Durden

        We should also talk about how evil people are against abortion.

        • Axodeth

          I see your parents were against abortion.

        • Guest

          Okay, so I got a comment that was delete

          (Edit: before anyone freaks out, I’m being sarcastic)

      • jsteele98

        “… we have won the war on terror..”

        So we’re going to start a new one HERE in America.

  • Tyler Durden

    Excellent.

  • Tanya Grimsley

    SPOT ON! #blamebush more, we have reduced the deficit, if you like your doctor……. oh wait!

  • buckofama2010

    Except he is NOT a fellow AMERICAN

  • SEGrady

    LOL…spot on…you aren’t secretly his speech writer are you?

  • 遥远亨利

    Sounds about right.

  • jimeye

    …Four ‘Years’ of BLAH, BLAH,…You were expecting maybe ‘Honesty, Sincerity, ‘Love Of Country,…”Really”,…Bwahahahahaha,….!!!

  • peabody

    Sounds spot on to me oh lets not forget that he is failing because of fox news and oh yea the fact that he’s HALF black. What the hell ever lie lie lie lie lie lie lie and LIE.

  • mcrognale

    Sounds about right.

  • It forgot “make no mistake” and “let me be perfectly clear.”

    • native son

      It did say let me be clear

    • AWCheney

      Nixon favored saying “let me be perfectly clear.” Hmmm

  • guest

    How embarrassing for this country….he is a total moron!!

    • JKKI

      I CAN’T STAND A LIEING,SCERETIVE,MURDERING(BENGAZI + OUR SERVICE MEN& WOMEN)FOREGETFUL, LIEING, PRESIDENT !!! OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. HILARIE FOR ONE OF THE OTHERS. NEVER HAVE I SEEN SUCH A MESSED UP EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING, LET ALONE A PRESIDENT. I DON’T USUALY WATCH THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS, BUT I WILL THIS TIME, IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAT TO WATCH HIM SPINN MORE LIES INTO HIS WEBB OF DECIET.

  • Phillip H. Widener Powers

    I noticed that there were quite a few er-ahs, ummmms, and I uhs left out.

    • AZWarrior

      And the use of ‘I’ about 150 times.

  • Harry Witko

    This man has committed many mistakes and if he doesn’t correct them is committing another mistake.

  • AWCheney

    Not THAT speech might be worth hearing…the only one where he ever told the truth about what he wants and how he feels. It just doesn’t go far enough.

  • AZWarrior

    I’m sorry but I find that analysis offensive. You’re missing about 162 uses of the word ‘I’.

  • Maureen Williams Frier

    First lie…My FELLOW Americans

  • Rose Barrette

    Exactly what I expected, a lot of blahs!!! Nothing new but more lies!!!

    • Billie Jacobs

      Still feeding at the hog trough aren’t you???

      • Rose Barrette

        The truth hurts doesn’t it fatso!!!

  • docd777

    Brilliant satire.You only forgot his most often repeated word/pause:and……………………..

  • marcia

    I heard he begins this one with a Valentine’s Day song to Michelle, No?