SATIRE: President Obama’s post-Armageddon press conference


LOS ANGELES, May 28, 2014 — As part of C-Span’s commitment to covering politics, today we will join President Obama live in the Rose Garden. This will be his first live press conference since the total obliteration of Israel last month on New Year’s Eve of 2015. One day before that on December 30th, Iran announced that it had successfully developed several nuclear bombs. The next day they eliminated Israel off of the world map just before the clock struck 2016. Two weeks ago, Iran launched successful nuclear attacks on New York City, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Boston, and Hartford. The death toll currently stands at about one-hundred million people, or about one-third of the American population. Now with nine months to go before the 2016 election, “Road to the White House” will cover President Obama’s final remarks before his State of the Union address, the Iowa caucus, and the New Hampshire primary. Here is President Obama in his entirety.

My fellow Americans:

These have been a tough few weeks. America has been battered, but we are as resilient as ever. As you know, I was elected to end wars. My predecessor launched a faulty war in Iraq rather than deal with the threat of Iran. Our military was strained from wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Our military were further pushed to the brink due to sequester budget cuts that decimated our intelligence gathering capabilities. The results of those reckless actions led to a more dangerous world.

As most of you know, Israel no longer exists. The first nuclear bomb Iran detonated eradicated the Jewish state. I am deeply upset about this. Nobody is madder about this than me. When we find the killers who did this, they will be brought to justice. The murderers who took innocent lives will be held responsible. I am outraged that more was not done to prevent this attack. I have ordered Attorney General Eric Holder to investigate who failed to prevent these attacks. I will hold people accountable.

A couple of weeks ago, an act of overseas aggression led to the deaths of millions of Americans. While the motive for the acts is not clear, let me be perfectly clear. Any nation that attacks America will face severe consequences. A nuclear attack violates accepted 21st century societal norms and international law. While the killers murdered American citizens, they did not murder the American spirit. They did not harm the American government. Washington, DC is still standing. Unless Republicans and Tea Party activists shut down the government, Social Security and welfare checks will go out on time. Except for our Ambassador to Israel, all diplomats are safe. Millionaires and billionaires on Wall Street were killed, but the United Nations building was miraculously spared.

Let me be crystal clear. Nobody is more upset about the murder of one-hundred million Americans than me. I am  profoundly angry and offended by this. The killers will face justice. We will lead an investigation and hold the killers responsible. I will hold whoever failed to prevent these attacks personally accountable. Steps will be taken to make sure that an attack like this never happens again. I will be working with the international community to pass a resolution authorizing further sanctions against Iran. These will be the toughest sanctions against Iran in American history. First Lady Michelle Obama’s Twitter hashtag campaign #warisnottheanswer has over one million likes on Facebook. That is a social media record response to this kind of tragedy.

What matters most is that we do not let these attacks destroy our values. We are better than that. Iran is a rich nation with a civilization dating back to ancient Persia. The people of Iran belong to many different religions. They are a diverse, multi-cultural people. They could be your neighbors.

Before the attacks, America was on the slow road to recovery from the 2008 financial crisis and the mountain of debt piled up in the years preceding my inauguration. We must not let these attacks slow that momentum. We must continue to provide healthcare for those who need it, invest in education, and grow our economy in an environmentally friendly way through alternative energy. I am not happy about the price of gasoline spiking to over $20 a gallon since the attacks. Nobody is angrier about this than me. However, we cannot drill our way out of this mess and we cannot cut our way to prosperity.

Although the Iowa caucus is around the corner, we cannot let partisan politics interfere with the hard work of governing. Too many people on the other side have been playing politics when we should be coming together and finding solutions to preventing future overseas contingencies and other acts of workplace violence.

While I will be discussing many of these issues tomorrow during my State of the Union address and later this week during my weekly radio address, the time for talk is over. The time to act is now. I urge Congress to get to work and bring me their ideas. I am open to ideas from everybody provided they do not compromise America’s values and my values.

America’s remaining allies know they can always count on America to lead the way to a brighter future. Together we will move forward to end the war on women, solve the dilemma of climate change, expand opportunities for minorities, pass immigration reform and continue on the path to peace. We will do all of this because it is the right thing to do.

God bless you, and God bless America.

This concludes C-Span’s coverage of President Obama’s post-Armageddon speech. Join us tomorrow for live coverage of his State of the Union address. Next week we will cover President Obama’s vacation at Martha’s Vineyard, which was not damaged in the nuclear attacks. We will then follow President Obama to Pittsburgh. While Vice President Joe Biden meets with survivors of the bombings, President Obama will be holding a rally for Hillary Clinton with members of the United Steelworkers Union before heading to George Clooney’s house in Los Angeles for a Democratic Party fundraiser.

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  • Kathy S

    this would be humorous if it wasn’t so close to a possibility.

  • gimpyolman

    Isn’t that they way he deals with everything and I bet he would have said he didn’t know it happened until he heard it on the news….