SATIRE: Iranian statehood: Obama’s solution to Middle East conflicts

Is President Obama planning to award Iran statehood for his April 4 birthday?

Cartoon by Branco.
Cartoon by Branco. Reprinted by permission and by arrangement via LegalInsurrection. (See link below.)*

INDIANAPOLIS, March 30, 2015 – A just released executive order signed by President Obama gets the United States one step closer to the his campaign claim that the country consists of 57 states by granting statehood to Iran. The Islamic Republic is to be admitted to the Union on President Obama’s birthday, Aug. 4 of this year.

“This historic union between the peoples of Iran and the United States will guarantee peace in the region and around the world for decades to come,” Obama said as he announced his fundamentally transformative order.

Rather than following the usual path to statehood employed since the original 13 colonies joined to form the newly minted United States of America, the president chose to take an end-run around the traditional and Constitutional process, “which obviously take too long,” according to the president. “I have decided that Iran’s priorities just can’t wait for a lengthy process to unfold,” he crisply explained.

Why Iran? Why now?

“I want to eliminate the distrust the Iranian government has for American motives,” Obama said in a prepared statement. “What better way to show that we have no hostile intent toward the Islamic Republic than to invite Iran into our even more perfect union as our 51st state?”

“This new order also sends a firm message to others in the Middle East region,” the president continued. “We will no longer tolerate the isolation of our Iranian friends by our so-called allies in the region, be they Jewish, Muslim or secular. Statehood sends a message like no other: Iran is our friend, and has the full backing of the United States, just like Hawaii… or Ohio.”

He continued,

“Statehood eliminates other problems for Iran, as well. No nation on Earth denies the United States her current nuclear program. With Iran as the 51st state, the question of Iran’s nuclear legitimacy is answered in full. In fact, a nuclear state in the Middle East region will help stabilize that part of the world, as everyone knows that the U.S. will never again use its nuclear weapons. Now, the region will be immediately stabilized around the new State of Iran. In addition, trade with the U.S. in the region will flourish under the protection of the U.S. banking system, unlimited taxpayer support, and the free flow of commerce through Iran’s commercial centers.”

Because of the speed with which Iranian statehood will be implemented, President Obama has made some allowances with regard to the structure of Iran’s new state government.

“’A republican form of government,’ as required by the Constitution, would be difficult for Iran to adopt so quickly,” Obama said. “So I have decreed that Iran may keep its traditional, post-revolutionary structure of government for the next five years, and even beyond then if the Iranians cannot arrive at a consensus. Also, I have determined that Iran, because of its remoteness and size − more than twice the population of California − is entitled to six senators rather than the traditional two. And for now, Iran will also send 135 U.S. representatives to the lower chamber of Congress.”

White House Spokesman Josh Earnest, in a press conference called just hours after the president’s pronouncement, explained that:

“There will be no disruption in the usual business of the Congress as a result of the admission of the state of Iran. The new senators and representatives will not be under the direct control of the Iranian state government. In fact, to keep any religious or political partisanship under control, they will vote according to our president’s directives, until they get used to sitting in their regular seats. We do not anticipate that period of time extending beyond the president’s third term.”

President Obama, in the meantime, is golfing in Iran, as he prepares for additional talks in Teheran, aimed at including more Arab states into the United States.

“The obvious solution to trust and peace in the region,” he said, “is to incorporate as many diverse local peoples into the Middle Eastern States of America, which I envision as a new and semi-autonomous protectorate of the United States, as each additional state prepares to join our union.

“Once there is a strong enough Middle Eastern voice in both houses of Congress, the distrust so often voiced by these people will simply evaporate, and I will finally preside over the America I have always envisioned, with a new model that will work to incorporate additional states – for instance, Indonesia, China and the Koreas. This model is universal and inclusive, and will clearly work to promote world peace, a subject upon which,” alluding to his Nobel Peace Prize, “I possess considerable knowledge and insight.”

– Cartoon by Branco. Reprinted by permission and arrangement via LegalInsurrection.

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