WASHINGTON, June 5, 2017 — Americans haven’t witnessed so public an emotional break-down since the collapse of Charlie “Winning!” Sheen’s acting career. Having lost the presidential election to Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton has been on a tear to blame someone, anyone for her disastrous defeat in November.
According to Clinton, the plots to deny her the nation’s highest office have at various times included the vast, right-wing conspiracy, Russian hackers, Russian President Vladimir Putin and his covert agents, former FBI Director James Comey, and incompetent campaign data wonks at the Democratic National Committee.
Now Clinton family minister, the Reverend Bill Shillady, tells the London Daily Mail he hopes Mrs. Clinton can derive a modicum of comfort from the many daily devotionals he’s dropped into her email in-basket since she announced her run for the presidency.
“My team of writers and I used passages of scripture, a reflection on that passage, and a prayer to support her depending on the events that were taking place. I would write the devotional after reading the headlines of the day,” Rev. Shillady told the Daily Mail.
It’s obvious the reverend misses the irony here. Clinton’s post-election ravings, coupled with her post-election blues, are because she took what the press said concerning the inevitability of her impending victory as gospel.
The false prophets of the media got the election wrong, sending Clinton into an emotional tailspin. She told Wellesley College’s graduating class of 2017 she copes by taking “long walks in the woods, organizing my closets … I won’t lie. Chardonnay helped a little, too.”
The reverend and his team of writers tailored their daily devotionals to the day’s biased headlines, twisting the Bible’s moral truths to fit fake news to write a gospel of Hillary.
As the 2016 presidential campaign was coming to a close, Clinton gave her version of the Sermon on the Mount to a group of sympathetic New Yorkers:
“I’ve been saying at events like this lately, I am all that stands between you and the apocalypse … You know, to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right?”
She got a rousing Empire State, “Amen!”
The gospel according to Hillary Clinton is eerily similar to the gospel according to Charlie Sheen:
“I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … I don’t have time for these clowns. I don’t have time for their judgement and their stupidity. They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then look at me and they say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well no, and you never will. Stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show.”
The Rev. Shillady says Clinton’s faith has “always been the foundation of her moral compass” and that “she finds strength and hope in the power of new life that her faith offers her each and every day.”
If that were true, she’d stop the blaming, angry finger-pointing, and seeking comfort in a wine bottle and take solace in the New Testament’s humbling Parable of the Vineyard Workers:
“So those who are last now will be first then, and those who are first will be last.”