WASHINGTON, March 14, 2014 — Over the strenuous objection of congressional Republicans, President Obama signed an executive order declaring himself relevant and his presidency successful.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid changed the filibuster rules to cut off debate and end the discussion. Everything is now fine.
Like man-made climate change and unicorns playing xylophones, Obama’s complete and total success is now settled law. The time for debate and discussion is over. He is more relevant than he has ever been, and his entire presidency has been successful. All Obama critics are in violation of the law, and will be indicted by Attorney Eric Holder faster than a Tea Party leader reading a Dinesh D’Souza book.
Common Core, a complete success in itself, will now have updated textbooks to reflect that in 2009 the rise of the oceans did recede faster than David Axelrod’s hairline.
As a citizen of the world and a Nobel Peace Prize winner, the Obama success decree is to be immediately implemented worldwide. While no global events are expected to change, the perception of those events are to be altered immediately.
Iran is no longer building a bomb. If they are, it is because Fox News is racist.
Syria’s Bashar Assad is no longer committing genocide. If he was, it would be because Jon Stewart thinks Sarah Palin is dumb.
Russian President Vladimir Putin is no longer slapping around Obama the way Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton slapped around cocktail waitresses. That is the fault of Rush Limbaugh and evil talk radio.
The economy is no longer in its sixth year of stagnation. Any lack of growth is because the evil Koch Brothers refuse to hire all 300 million Americans.
The Middle East is no longer a problem. Obama’s relevance extends to his entire cabinet. Secretary of State John Kerry is now the greatest Secretary of State 2014 has ever seen. Anybody doubting this is responsible for the war on women.
The Affordable Care Act really now is affordable and Obama cares deeply. Hillary Clinton’s “what difference at this point does it make” over four dead bodies in Benghazi now translates into her husband’s “I feel your pain.”
To avoid having to deal with thorny issues, Obama’s edict now reverses the relevant and the irrelevant. Climate change and the war on women now matter. The global economy and worldwide terrorism are small ball.
The decree extends to anybody defending Obama. Barbara Boxer and Nancy Pelosi are now intelligent. Debbie-Wasserman Schultz is now pleasant. Barbara Mikulski is a swimsuit model. John Kerry is now the most interesting man in the world, so cool he does not need a beard. Vice President Joe Biden has job functions where he does actual stuff. Lois Lerner now teaches ethics at Harvard. The Benghazi four and the Fast and Furious border guard are alive and healthy due to Obama’s spectacular results handling the tiny problems that come his way. Millennials supporting Obama have their heads above their necks and not below their backs. Jon Stewart is sincere without a hint of smugness. MSNBC and the New York Times are civilized and respectful entities run by homo sapiens who walk upright on two legs.
Although Republicans fought the order every step of the way, Obama declared the law passed by a 535-0 congressional margin and held constitutional by a 9-0 Supreme Court vote to preserve harmony and bring everybody together in binding agreement.
President Obama celebrated his newly declared success and relevance by playing 18 holes of golf. He scored a 17, one stroke better than the previous record held by the late North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.
To prevent evil Republicans from altering the history books in violation of teachers’ union standards, Obama declared all history before 2009 and after 2017 to be non-existent upon his leaving office.