Politicians: Winning strategies for muzzling inconvenient citizens
WASHINGTON — The muzzling of America continues, courtesy of the continuing overreaction of nervous politicians over the now apparently permanent coronavirus pandemic. CDN is all about trying to help those nervous politicians by laying out winning strategies they can deploy in their never-ending effort geared toward muzzling inconvenient citizens.
Remember, politicians, your most inconvenient citizens still need instructions. They rely on you to be told what to do and simply cannot do this on their own. They are not numbered among the elite. Nor are they even essential employees of anything. So let your continually revized suggestions for muzzling those troublesome, inconvenient, deplorable citizens become, reluctantly if necessary, regulations. The kind President Trump doesn’t like. Thus, the training of those recalcitrant, inconvenient citizens can continue indefinitely. Before continuing, though, you might read our previous suggestions here and here. Those earlier pieces will get you up to ramming speed on this important crowd control issue.
That said, we now present…
Our latest batch of muzzling Q&As, organized for your edification.
Can I use muzzles to calm citizens?
Muzzles worn for lengthly periods of time usefully inhibit spontaneous (and potentially dangerous) speech. The exhaled air of muzzled citizens is rebreathed by necessity. This reduces personal energy sources, encourages inaction, and cripples initiative. Agitated citizens may overheat quickly in stressful situations, causing them to sit down, exhausted, and withdraw from the public forum. Blue politicians always feel more cheerful when their citizens become calm enough to ensure correct voting habits, which this tactic most certainly accomplishes. So plan accordingly in the lead-up to Election 2020.
Should I require my citizens to be muzzled during personal grooming?
Your inconvenient citizens may optionally remove their muzzles during exercise and outdoor activities. But no grooming of any kind should take place without a muzzle. No health, beauty, or grooming; in fact, no person-to-person services whatsoever should be allowed for the indefinite future. Or, at the very least, until November 4, 2020. You should also prohibit simple creature comforts such as conveyed by human touch. Inconvenient citizens must wear muzzles at virtually all times. For that reason, you should declare it imperative that no person touch another person’s hair, feet, hands, or body under any circumstances except during the commission of a crime or a peaceful protest.
Should I require my citizens to visit their doctors muzzled?
A muzzle eliminates the risk that doctors might sustain social injuries. Such injuries could leave them unable to work for a period of time. And you absolutely want them to be available to staff those largely empty ICU facilities.
Doctors also must keep staffers safe and free from injury. When your citizens show up for medical appointments calm, muzzled and only slightly overheated, doctors can get on with their treatments faster. So go for it. Impose those regulations.
What if my citizens attempt to eat inside restaurants?
If they go out to eat, regulate all behavior—diners and servers, managers and kitchen staff, cashiers and hostesses—whenever and wherever goods and services are exchanged for payment. Any transaction thereby becomes a subtle symbolic representation of your power over them, and a reminder to vote for you, their protector. And make it difficult for them to dine inside by either imposing draconian distancing requirements; or, better yet, by closing interior rooms and forcing all dining activities outside. Better yet, this also exposes diners to indoctrination and terrorism from those friendly, local Antifa and BLM representatives. Diners will readily agree to the suggestions of those peaceful protestors, guaranteeing that their prompt surrender entitles them to finish their meals while the food is still lukewarm.
More winning strategies for restaurants
Restaurants with a little extra cash in the drawer – likely few these days – may also employ a more sophisticated muzzling solution if forced to keep interior space open. This hot concept goes under the heading of “Cone of Shame Dining,” as illustrated below.
Buy your cones of shame. https://t.co/xuF9KrdHWk
— hurl (@TheReal_Hurl) August 19, 2020
Why have my muzzle-wearing citizens begun to threaten strangers?
Some of the more incorrigible deplorables may incline toward rebellion. If your citizens typically growl at strangers or specific people such as children, white men, or peaceful protestors, or when those citizens find themselves in an unfamiliar place, their growls are most likely due to fear. Citizens may also growl in other situations that trigger fear, such as gatherings celebrating national holidays or any type of election. You must expect reduced social skills social skills in this demographic. Limited interpersonal stimuli and deplorable citizens’ lack of practice with human interaction tend to exacerbate this phenomenon.
Send out more public appeals for communication, forbearance, and personal restraint regardless of the aggression your more progressive citizens may encounter. Do not attempt to interact with them yourself.
A final word: Muzzling the Most Aggressive Citizens
Let’s make sure your citizens acquire and retain their training by remaining in the herds their elected officials (and MSM) assigned them to. That effort includes making sure you deal with the occasional citizen who runs off the ranch—the mustang, the rogue, the wild one, the individual thinker who seems impervious to social pressure.
For this type of citizen you have our sympathy. Sometimes they’re too logical for anyone’s good, aren’t they? This collection of Q&As focuses on these citizens. Difficult and annoying, but they too can be managed. Feigning respect for their intelligent individuality can calm them down and comfort them into conformity.
Read on for best practices:
Do muzzles actually make citizens more aggressive?
It depends upon the situation. Some citizens feel more confident wearing muzzles. Having confidence may help your citizens stay calmer. However, wearing a muzzle does not decrease aggression. Some individuals may derive feelings of righteousness based on their perfect obedience to your authority. They can potentially become more aggressive toward non-muzzle-wearing strangers, which could be to your advantage.
Can politicians fix citizen aggression?
Alas, you know that not only larger-bodied citizens and so-called “dangerous types” can prove prone to aggression. The right circumstances may trigger any citizen’s aggression. Although rules and regulations cannot cure aggression overnight, you as a politician can take certain steps to thwart it. Outlined below, such actions can curb your citizens’ aggressive behavior, ensure they remain calm and ultimately vote progressive, according to plan.
How do you muzzle aggressive citizens? Some winning strategies
Don’t wait until you NEED for your citizens to wear a muzzle. Start conditioning them to wearing a muzzle as soon as possible. Present it as their personal, self-initiated response to actual, potential, or media-generated pandemics or rumors thereof.
Create positive associations that emotionally bond your citizens to their muzzles. We find this is the best way for politicians to ensure the continuing practice of muzzling inconvenient citizens. Use muzzles as part of citizen obedience training. But go slowly at first.
- Present the idea of wearing muzzles as a suggestion.
- Introduce them as a safeguard; let them be an antidote to citizen fear.
- Make muzzles scarce at first, then readily available.
- If possible, give them away for free.
- Relax usage requirements. Tighten them up again.
More winning strategies enabling politicians to limit aggression in their most inconvenient citizens?
- Get your citizens’s attention via the media, email, and public appearances. Use of your own muzzle is optional, but keep it visible as, for example, around your neck.
- Maintaining appearance of social distancing from all citizens ensures that you don’t have to talk to them.
- Manage your citizens’s environment by controlling where they are allowed to go and when.
- Use social shaming when social distancing is ignored. If one citizen harms another by disregarding your regulations, have the perpetrator threatened, arrested, and reported to the public. This treatment will reduce the potential for aggression in others.
How can I socialize aggressive citizens?
Some common examples of human behavior changes include:
- Let your citizens go out during “slow” times of the day, rather than when everyone else is out.
- Keep your citizens close to you when passing others, turning corners, and going through doors while reminding them of social distancing.
- Leave your citizens undisturbed while they are eating at home.
Above all, politicians, keep employing winning strategies like muzzling inconvenient citizens. It’s the quickest way to success for even the most aggressive politicians. And it’s a winning strategy every time.
Contact us now! We help politicians avoid feeling blue on both sides of the aisle! And remember. We’re from Washington and we’re here to help!
We are still accepting questions on in our Muzzles and Politicians series. Please feel free to submit your questions and any ideas you may have that cover related topics.
— Headline image: Allegedly photoshopped Twitter image via @LaurenGruel. Link here.