SAN DIEGO, September 20, 2014 —Confused about the conflicting and muddy statements made by President Obama regarding the ISIS threat? Well be of good cheer. We have gathered the greatest team of diplomats, politicians and interpreters to read between the lines and decipher our president’s words. Here at last is a clear testimony of his sturdy, uncompromising position regarding the current Middle East crisis:
“Let me make a few things clear regarding the war with ISIS. First of all, this is not really a war and second of all, they are not really ISIS because that abbreviation includes the words “Islamic State.” These guys are not a state. Neither are they Islamic.
Oh sure, they claim to be Muslims but what do they know? My job as president includes correct interpretation. It is not my place to let people speak for themselves. That would be far too simplistic. Remember, I have a reputation for being nuanced. We must take a nuanced view of this war with self confessed Muslims and that means coming to the conclusion that we are not at war and they are not Muslims. How can they be? As I said in my 2009 magical, mystery apology tour, Islam is a beautiful, peaceful religion which preaches brother hood and spreads good will around the world. I’ll grant you that it may not always look that way, especially when we see Americans beheaded and all. But a few bad apples don’t spoil the whole bunch.
Look at the other side! Look how many Muslim friends we have in places such as Egypt or Saudi Arabia? OK, so they also burn down churches in Egypt and Bibles are forbidden in Saudi Arabia. What are you? Some kind of pessimist? Do you always have to concentrate on the negative? Next you’ll be telling me about how Palestinian schools teach that Jews are evil and should be exterminated or that homosexuals are executed in countries like Saudi Arabia, Iran, Mauritania, Sudan, Somalia and Yemen.
Or maybe you’ll want to remind me again about how the Taliban treated women by slicing off the tops of their thumbs if they wore nail polish. My friends, I’m not condoning such actions, but you must remember, there were moderate Taliban too. Some only sliced off half of the woman’s upper thumb.
Anyway, we are not at war. We may be bombing them but we are not at war because we are saying that we are not at war. Besides, how can it be a war if there are no boots on the ground? True, we have special forces such as the CIA on the ground but a lot of them don’t wear boots. They just wear regular shoes.
Now, I don’t want you to worry that just because we aren’t at war, that doesn’t mean ISIS will not be stopped. Of course they’ll be stopped but they are not an immediate threat. If they were, we would concern ourselves more with the many terrorists who are talking about coming through our southern boarders. But those borders don’t concern me. They are well guarded. Look how fast the Mexican government captured a U.S. Marine who accidentally made a wrong turn into Mexico. By the way, if you’re wondering why I didn’t get him out with one phone call to the president of Mexico, well sure, that would have been the quick, easy thing to do. But remember, we cannot be simple. We must be nuanced.
Only a nuanced, measured response toward non-Americans will keep us safe. Every time we get aggressive militarily, it just stirs the hornet’s next and creates more terrorists. I guess being aggressive also kills terrorists, but if we do that too much, people might think we are at war and we’re not at war. Haven’t you been paying attention?
In summary: ISIS claims to be Muslim and has declared war on the United States. But they are not Muslims and they are not at war with the United States because if they were, it would mean that we are at war with them too and our many bombs must never be mistaken for boots on the ground.
By the way, George Bush is responsible for this mess in the Middle East. Had we listened to him, we would still have troops in Iraq. Yeah, the region might be safer but people might also think we are still at war and at least under me, they know we are not at war.
Ok. We’ve sliced and diced this thing to death, no pun intended. Can I go finish my golf game now? Don’t look at me like that. George Bush played golf too.”
This is Bob Siegel, making the obvious, obvious.
Bob Siegel is a weekend radio talk show host on KCBQ and columnist. Details of his show can be found at www.bobsiegel.net.