WASHINGTON, DC, March 10, 2014 — The situation over Crimea has become another global tinderbox as Russian President Vladimir Putin seeks to restore the old U.S.S.R. piece by piece. President Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry have huffed and puffed and even threatened to huff and puff some more. Putin remains unimpressed, convinced that he has all the leverage against an American leader who will not reignite the Cold War, much less even consider a hot war.
Obama keeps preaching about international norms, but Putin is not about winning within the rules. He is willing to win at any and all costs.
With falling poll numbers at home, Obama is truly getting desperate.
In a last attempt to defuse an international crisis, Obama offered to exempt Putin from the Affordable Care Act until at least 2017. Given that Obamacare has angered millions of people, Obama can now kill two birds with one stone despite not being tough enough to lift a stone or ruthless enough to attack one bird, much less both of them.
Obama warned Putin that any further acts of belligerence would lead to Putin being subjected to the law. Obama reminded Putin that in America, Obama decides who gets waivers and who is forced to suffer. Despite being ideological soul mates, Putin’s unwillingness to contribute to Obama’s reelection campaign has Obama ready to pull the waiver offer away at any time. Obama has spoken in the past about issuing sanctions, and now his ace in the deck is available for all to see.
Putin reacted in the same way every world leader and a plurality of Americans do when confronted with Obama threats: Putin laughed. Putin then claimed that Mother Russia invented incompetent central planning, and that Obama should bring it on.
Obama responded that maybe he will spite Putin and not allow him or Russian middle class families to have this great law. Given what a total success the law has been by Obama standards, Putin does not deserve to be a part of fundamentally transforming America.
Obama’s attempt at reverse psychology was met with less than stellar results. Putin shot several innocent people and sent the bodies to Obama with a note that read, “Fix their healthcare.”
Obama defiantly responded that he would if he knew how, and that Putin needed to stop playing games. Shooting innocent civilians is beyond the established norms of Western nations.
An agitated Putin pointed out that Russia was not in the Western hemisphere. After mumbling something about Ivy League degrees, Putin went back to continuing his quest to rule the world. A top Putin spokesperson relayed a message to the State Department that Putin appreciated Obama’s flexibility, and that Obama could remain bent over perpendicular as long as he liked. Putin also will be declining ACA coverage due to it being neither affordable or caring. Putin also thanked his American counterpart and praised Obama’s self-immolating environmentalism for keeping oil prices high and Putin secure and wealthy.
Obama attempted to use mocking humor to get Putin’s goat, unaware that Putin does not laugh at Obama’s jokes the way the establishment American media does. Obama did a Regis Philbin impersonation and asked Putin, “Is that your final answer?”
Putin responded by shooting a few more innocents and sending more body parts with a note reading, “This is my final answer.”
Obama chuckled at the great kidder in Russia, and explained to the press that dialogue, like Obamacare, occasionally has glitches.