New Year’s resolutions for politicians and celebrities
In the spirit of the New Year and as the Common Sense Czar, I thought I’d offer some “common sense” resolutions for our political leaders. Since these are just proposed New Year’s Resolutions, the “honored” individuals may not choose to adhere to them … any more than they might be expected to adhere to their political promises or commitments that could effect their popularity. With that being said, I offer you the following “tweetable” resolutions:
President Obama: I resolve to take responsibility for my Presidency and not blame George W. Bush for anything!
Vice President Biden: I resolve to choose my words carefully and think before I speak.
Nancy Pelosi: I resolve to read bills before I vote on them … so I can know what’s in them.
John Boehner: I resolve not to allow my face to show any emotion … and to do so without the assistance of Botox.
Harry Reid: I resolve not to try to maneuver the Senate’s processes for my own political gain.
Mitch McConnell: I resolve to try to move bills through the Senate as expeditiously as possible and in a non-partisan manner.
John McCain: I resolve to maintain my youthful appearance by getting a darker spray tan this year.
Barney Frank: I resolve to sell my home to an unqualified couple and personally finance them with zero-down, interest-free loan.
Charlie Rangel: I resolve to build a huge legal defense fund as soon as I figure out the “ways and means” to avoid paying taxes on it.
Maxine Waters: I resolve to serve as a character witness for Charlie Rangel … should he ever need one.
Barbara Boxer: I resolve to actually do something during my new term other than writing another book and getting a loan from Countrywide.
Carly Fiorina: I resolve to run against a less-competent opponent … if there is such a thing.
Jerry Brown: I resolve to exercise independent judgment this time around and not pander to the unions.
Meg Whitman: I resolve to give $150 million to California rather than waste it … and to hire an American housekeeper.
Eddie Bernice Johnson: I resolve to promote scholarships among needy, minority students that aren’t related to me.
Timothy Geithner: I resolve to break all my ties with Wall Street and pay my taxes on time.
Rahm Emanuel: I resolve to return integrity to Chicago politics.
Hal Rogers: I resolve to lead the charge against earmarks!
Janet Napolitano: I resolve to protect the citizens of the United States by getting tough on illegal immigration and enforcing the law.
Alan Grayson: I resolve to write a book about the importance of maintaining diplomacy and class in politics.
Hank Johnson: I resolve to vacation on an island that can’t capsize.
Sarah Palin: I resolve to be a stay-at-home mom like God wants me to be.
Newt Gingrich: I resolve to follow George W. Bush’s lead and sit quietly on the sidelines.
President Carter: I resolve to only offer advice and opinions on what I know best … peanut farming.
President Clinton: I resolve to fade into the political background and concentrate on my role as a faithful and supportive husband.
President Bush (W): I resolve to openly and aggressively blame everything on the Democratically-controlled 110th Congress.
President Karzai (Afghanistan): I resolve to reject gifts from foreign governments.
President Ahmadinejad (Iran): I resolve to convert to Judaism.
President Gaddafi (Libya): I resolve to deliver a coherent speech to the U.N. in which I apologize to the United States for my arrogance.
President Zardari (Pakistan): I resolve to remain steadfastly loyal to my ally, the United States of America.
President Kim il-sung (North Korea): I resolve to bring stability and peace to the region.
Premier Wen Jiabao (China): I resolve to encourage the U.S. to become more fiscally responsible and Taiwan to pursue more autonomy.
President Hugo Chavez (Venezuela): I resolve to read the signed book that President Obama gave me and strive to emulate him.
President Medvedev (Russia): I resolve to block ratification of the START Treaty because it’s just too one-sided in our favor.
George Soros: I resolve to outspend Wall Street’s capitalist pigs who’re ruining our chance to become the United States Socialist Republic.
Glenn Beck: I resolve not to mix religion with politics … in honor of the First Amendment and my commitment to the ACLU.
Rachel Maddow: I resolve to report the nightly news in a straight and unbiased way unlike those fascist, homophobic pigs at Fox.
Bill O’Reilly: I resolve not to interrupt my guests … because otherwise, I would be a Pinhead!
Keith Olbermann: I resolve to “countdown” the minutes until I announce my endorsement of Sarah Palin … and donate to her campaign.
Dick Morris: I resolve not to stare at Chris Matthews’ feet … even though they are really pretty.
Chris Matthews: I resolve not to get a thrill up my leg when Dick Morris compliments me on my shoes.
Sean Hannity: I resolve to stop throwing my Nerf football like a girl.
Alan Colmes: I resolve to stop allowing Fox News to use me as its token Liberal just because the pay is good and MSNBC doesn’t want me.
Juan Williams: I resolve to do charity work to raise donations for National Public Radio.
Lady Gaga: I resolve not to use political issues to attract attention just for the sake of gaining millions of dollars of free publicity.
Celebrities (in general): We resolve to get a degree and some real world experience before we act as if our political opinions matter.
Politicians with ghost-written books: We resolve not to pretend that we’re authors even though we’re used to pretending that we’re leaders.
The Common Sense Czar: I resolve to remain somber and serious rather than to view the world through a satirical lens.
Enjoy the New Year!
To learn more about the Common Sense Czar and his books, The Left isn’t Right / The Right is Wrong and The National Platform of Common Sense, go to www.TheCommonSenseCzar.net.