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Mueller Report irrelevant: Investigate Spice Girls sex instead

Written By | Mar 24, 2019
Spice Girls, Mueller Report, Eric Golub

DELRAY BEACH: A peaceful Sunday was rocked when news came down that Attorney General William Barr published his synopsis of the Mueller Report. Mueller found zero evidence of Russian collusion and insufficient evidence to prosecute anyone for obstruction of justice.

The report was a complete vindication for President Trump.

Evan as his political adversaries continue to paint him guilty of something, the president has been found without guilt. While the political world obsessed over this report, most Americans tuned out the utterly boring non-story. Moments later, a much bigger story exploded.

Two members of the all-female 1990s pop music band The Spice Girls had sex with each other.

Scary Spice Mel B had sex with  Geri “Ginger Spice”  Halliwell. They confessed to colluding with each other in bed. There is zero visual evidence, but there is also not enough proof to accuse the women of deliberately obstructing the Internet from seeing visual evidence.

BREAKING: AG Barr releases his official summary of the Mueller report

The biggest Spice Girls news since Posh Spice Victoria Adams married David Beckham has teenagers buzzing.

Democrats obsessed with getting 16-year-old-girls to vote will find these young potential voters well-informed about every aspect of the Spice Girls scandal. (Spice Girls reunion tour ‘feared to be in jeopardy’ as Mel B ‘makes a panicked call to Geri Halliwell to apologize’ after shock sex confession)

Transcript from Pier’s Morgan Good Morning Britain

PIERS: Your book is called Brutally Honest and you are coming here to be brutally honest?Did you or didn’t you with Geri Halliwell?

MEL: Well, what do you consider as doing it or not?

PIERS: Did you sleep with her?

MEL: Yeah, we all slept in a bed together but not “like that” all of us.

PIERS: Did you sleep with Geri “like that”?

MEL: (nods and smiles).

PIERS: Yes? Really?

MEL: She’s going to hate me for this because she’s all posh in her country house and her husband. But it’s a fact. It just happened and we just giggled at it and that was it.

Politics vs. Pop

While many political junkies may find the Mueller Report more important, it is impossible to force people to care about things that they care not one whit about. For political junkies, the Mueller Report is catnip. For many Americans trying a quiet Sunday, it is boring. A man wrote a report. People write reports every day. Anyone who watched the movie “Office Space” knows that the only thing more dreary than writing TPS Reports for Lumberg was reading those TPS Reports.

Political junkies cannot accept that there is a wide world of people who are willfully and blissfully uninformed.

Two hot pop stars having lesbian sex may not change the world, but it is certainly more interesting than some 73-year-old man writing some document containing jargon that would put accountants to sleep.

Who takes two years to write a report, anyway?  Most people who graduate college never want to spend one minute trying to figure out ibid, optic, loc cit, and other footnotes’ slang.

This may trivialize the Mueller investigation and it deserves to be trivialized.

Two years were spent trying to prove that an American president who cannot stop publicly talking was a secret spy for the Russian government. Nobody in their right mind believes Donald Trump is capable or interested in keeping anything about his life secret. If he was one of the people lucky enough to have sex with the Spice Girls, he would not cover that up.

He would brag about it. Most men would.

So now that the political silliness is over and America is lucky enough not to be in a post 9/11 fighting mood.  Now we can get back to the real nonsense that makes America great.  We are the land of the free, the home of the Whopper and the Big Mac. The nation behind March Madness and the NFL Draft.

We are the country where Kim Kardashian’s backside broke the internet.
The train wreck of Kim Kardashian's fat filled, photo shopped ass

The train wreck of Kim Kardashian’s fat filled, photo shopped ass

The whole world cares about which influential people are having sex with which other people.

The audacity of Kim Kardashian’s derrière: The train wreck of the vain

Across the pond, the British may argue about BREXIT, but young teenagers are united in demanding proof of the Spice Girls rendezvous.

Maybe somebody needs to appoint a special counsel and demand an immediate full release of the evidence of the affair. Some people would consider it stupid to waste millions of dollars on whether two young hot women are having lesbian sex.

However, one must ask if wasting millions on Russian conspiracy theories is any less stupid?

Mueller is done. Enough with Russiagate. It is time for Spicegate. What did Scary and Ginger know, and when did they know it?

Eric Golub

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”