Monopoly: Special election 2016 edition
SAN DIEGO, April 22, 2016 —Five candidates are still in the race for the White House; two Democrats and three Republicans. We’ve seen them in debates. We’ve seen them on news shows. Now, let us watch the most compelling test of all! How would our presidential hopefuls perform while sitting around a table playing Parker Brothers’ famous Monopoly game?
When we first join our heroes, Donald Trump insists on rolling the dice first since he has the biggest hands.
John Kasich says he has no problem with Trump going first. In fact, Kasich is quite used to not being first in a contest and hints that should he place third in the game he may still declare himself to be the winner. Still, Kasich’s main reason for allowing Trump’s opening roll is to simply be a gentleman. After all, Kasich is the nicer player, the one who stays away from the mudslinging. Everybody watching the game believes Kasich’s claim about being the nicest and they believe it for a very good reason: He keeps telling us how nice he is.
But then, later on, when it starts looking like Trump might win, Kasich doesn’t sound quite as friendly any more. Instead, he warns the other players not to make a deal with Trump. He reminds them that Trump always gets the better end of a deal.
Trump disagrees and promises that if the other players treat him fair, he’ll stay in the game instead of abandoning this table, heading across the room, starting a new game of Risk, and conquering the world by complimenting Vladimir Putin.
But Kasich is not one to be fooled. “If you want to know what kind of deal Donald Trump will offer during Monopoly, just look at his previous deals out in the real world before we even started this game. I’m telling you, Donald Trump could sell you a new car without brakes and then later on sell you the brakes!”
Trump swiftly defends himself:
“John here is simply confessing his ignorance. He doesn’t understand the art of the deal. The brake-free car was merely a starting, negotiating position. I always intended to discuss brakes later on. Any customer who wanted brakes installed immediately should have ordered the deluxe model.”
Later on, as the game moves forward, Kasich seems to be vindicated when the other players witness for themselves a real honest-to-goodness Donald Trump Monopoly trade.
Trump offers Hillary the deal to end all deals.
” I see you own both Boardwalk and Park Place, Mrs. Clinton. If you give them to me, here is what I’ll do for you. I will trade you the Water Works…Wait! There’s more! Much more! Just to show you that my heart is in the right place, I’ll also throw in this Get Out of Jail Free card.”
Hillary jumps at the deal! Although she knows President Obama already promised her a Get Out of Jail Free card, it never pays to take chances. Besides, if she ends up with two, the extra card can be used to keep some future vandal out of jail in the event that the violence was done while stopping some conservative from speaking at a college.By catering to such constituents, Hillary hopes to be guaranteed a more promising trade later on in the game, a trade that enables her to build a house on none other than Pennsylvania Ave.
Meanwhile, Ted Cruz, the constitutional conservative, points out that the time honored tradition of putting money in the middle of the board for Luxury Tax, only to later reward that money to whomever lands on Free Parking, is not a genuine rule and can be found nowhere in the original Park Brothers’ instructions.
Loving tradition more than law, the other players ignore Cruz until good old Bernie awakens from his nap upon hearing the word “free” and promptly suggests that that Free Parking should be changed to “Free Tuition.”
But this is only the beginning of Bernie’s ambitious contribution. He also insists that the winner must repent of his evil capitalist greed, pony up, and distribute his income evenly to all the losers. That way, nobody is a loser and everybody is a winner.
This ends today’s game of Monopoly. Unfortunately, the game called Politics continues.
Bob Siegel is a weekend radio talk show host on KCBQ and a columnist. Details of his show can be found at www.bobsiegel.net