LOUISVILLE, Ky., July 14, 2016 — Millennials have the potential to become the worst generation in history. They are not there yet.
Generation Snowflake has been coddled to the point that they may one day be known as Generation Mistake. Sadly, science does not allow us to skip a generation and have grandparents give birth to grandchildren without the generation in between.
It will take years to undo the damage the twin drugs of ego and snobbery have done on Millennials. Now is as good a time as ever for ever for a reality show called Detoxification Nation.
Here are some truths, facts and lessons for those determined not to surpass the Baby Boomers as the worst generation.
1. Stop taking “selfies” and “ussies” until you have accomplished something in life. Celebrating your mere existence is not the same as doing something. And doing something is not enough. It has to be something useful, done right.
If you merit the attention, someone else will take your picture. Women who take kissy-face selfies do not look sexy. They look like ducks. Go save some ducks; that’s sexy.
2. Shut up about climate change. If it worries you, trade in your car for a bike, stop heating your house, and wash your clothes by hand.
Radical Islam matters more than corrupt junk science. Normal people care that the world is burning, not that the globe is warming. We care that Islamists are burning human beings alive and reducing them to carbon, not that Americans burn fossil fuels and leave a carbon footprint.
3. Do not call authority figures“Dude” or “Bro.” Learn to call people “sir” and “ma’am.” Respect people’s time. Never text during a job interview. Dress immaculately and professionally. Speak proper English.
4. Do not accuse anyone of lying until you learn what it means to tell a lie. People lie, they get things wrong, and they’re sometimes disconnected from our reality. Learn the difference.
Do you think President George W. Bush lied about Iraq? You weren’t even teenagers in 2003. Learn some history and some context. Bush told the truth, Saddam had WMD, and sometimes war absolutely is the answer. The Iraq War was the right war at the right time with the right president.
5. People you disagree with deserve dignity and respect. Be open-minded, not an ideological automaton. If you think that some ideas shouldn’t be heard, ask who made you the judge and whether your opinion deserves a hearing.
6. Stop turning everything into an acronym. Acronyms are for lazy people. Write out words. No boss will read a business report with “LOL” or “OMG” in it.
7. Stop protesting. 1960s-era protesters are still under the illusion that they stood for something. Many of them just wanted to cut class and get stoned. Nothing has changed. If you need to be lazy and do drugs, be honest and admit it. Do not pretend you are skipping class for some social good.
8. Do not be a walking cliche. Think. Don’t say “check your privilege” until you’ve checked your own, and unless you’ve tried the shoes of the one you’re talking too, don’t say it then.
Do not chant, “Yes, we can” when you have no idea what that even means. What can you? If you don’t know, then you can’t, won’t and shouldn’t. Shouting, “This is what democracy looks like” is not democracy. It is obnoxiousness. When you disturb the peace through noise pollution, you interfere with the freedom of those who wish to be left alone.
9. Learn a trade. People with skills who actually know how to do things are always in demand. The world will survive just fine without “gender studies” and college professors talking about grievance. Learn how to become plumbers, carpenters and electricians. They are useful and make people’s lives better.
10. Playground rankout contests are not the same as intelligent political discussion. The goal is to make the world a better place, not to humiliate innocent people for debate points. The point of discussion is understanding, not victory. Do not be smug, arrogant or any other quality you confuse with being funny. Humility is an admirable quality. Be polite. Listen. Learn.
11. Recognize your own unimportance. You may go on to do great things, but you have not done them yet. Respect your elders. They have actually lived life.
12. Don’t be an activist; be a doer. Be quiet about animal rights and volunteer to clean an animal shelter. Using the words “equality” and “justice” in every sentence is a waste of breath. Life is cruelly unjust; if you want justice, be just.
Sell all you have and give the money to the poor. Do not demand that anyone else do it. Mind your own business.
13. Guns are good and Priuses are hideous. If you hate guns, don’t own one. Tell the world your home is a gun-free zone so that criminals will go there rather than risk getting shot in mine.
The Prius is a hideous car. If you want to drive an ugly duckling car, that is your right. Just don’t think that it’s virtuous.
14. Wipe the smirk off your face. You haven’t lived long enough to know anything.
15. Western values are superior to barbarians cutting off heads. Israel is the good guys. Be smart enough to realize that many attacks on the world’s only Jewish state are specifically motivated by Jew-hatred. If you want to divest from America and all Western-style democracies, deport yourself. Divest yourself. Leave. Live in Saudi Arabia until you realize how fantastic America and its Middle East imitation Israel are.
16. Go to your place of worship from time to time. If you do not believe in God, stop pretending you’re as smart as God. People abuse religion, but that does not invalidate religion. Some people benefit from religion; let them. Zealots come in all forms, and that includes atheists, secularists, environmentalists, and other activists.
17. Stop pretending that the Daily Show is the news. Trevor Noah and Jon Stewart are not social commentators. They are smug metrosexuals and utter imbeciles. They get paid to dumb down society and turn America’s youth into the next generation of America-hating, ideologically bigoted idiots. Learn the difference between hard news and opinion.
18. Stop demanding free stuff. You are entitled to nothing. Nothing is free. Pay for your college like generations before you did, through hard work.
19. Don’t do drugs. Getting stoned is not cool. Nobody was ever more enjoyable to be around or more socially desirable for being a stoner.
20. In America, the military and the police are still the good guys. Criminals and terrorists are the bad guys. Respect law enforcement. If you don’t want police violence, don’t charge at a police officer.
21. Quit crying about micro-aggressions. The real world is not politically correct, and it offers no safe spaces or trigger warnings. Man up. That includes the young women.
Millennials have a lot to learn before they become normal, productive human beings. After decades being taught that real Americans are “unhip” and “uncool,” younger generations are useless to productive America. We can’t hire them until they conform to acceptable standards.
The bright ones will learn. The rest will remain broke. There is still hope for the kids who are not too stoned to rediscover the lucid world the rest of us inhabit.