Skip to main content

Mike Patton for President: Make America Crunk again

Written By | Jul 14, 2016

LOUISVILLE, Ky., July 14, 2016 — The 2016 presidential campaign has Americans dispirited. Republican nominee Donald Trump has a successful track record in business but is unable to discipline himself while speaking. Democrat nominee Hillary Clinton narrowly escaped a recommendation of indictment by the FBI for compromising national security.

Clinton still needs to kiss up to supporters of Bernie Sanders, who wants to lead a revolution that would make Che Guevara proud. Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson has gone an entire month without smoking marijuana, which may be a world’s record for New Mexico’s most famous political stoner.

Pokémon Go: Elitist, racist and inaccessible?

Luckily for the United States, there is a candidate who can unite us all in freedom, fun and fellowship. Forget the Democratic and Republican Parties. It is time to support the House Rooftop Party.

It is time to support Mike Patton. His platform is simple.

Make America crunk again.

It has been far too long since America got crunk. We used to get crunk all the time, and then the party stopped. For some people, September 11 caused permanent despair. For others, the 2008 financial crash ended the party.

Despite not being a billionaire, Mike Patton never stopped partying. Even in the darkest days of the 21st century, Mike was getting crunk.

As he explains, it does not take much for a happy man to remain happy. Beer is a good start. While he appreciates going out to the local bar, he is fine with you bringing beer to his place. Mike understands the importance of “chillaxing.” He is fine with playing video games or kicking back and watching “The Wire.”

While Mike happens to be black, he notes that getting crunk crosses racial lines. The most famous collaboration of crunkdom came in 2005, between Eminem and the late Nate Dogg.

Mike is fully prepared to be president, provided he can work the job part-time. During the morning he trades the stock market, and the last thing he needs is having to deal with a political crisis while trying to swing a big trade. After all, the stock market is money and beer costs money.

As Mike accurately points out, his worst day of trading losses is nowhere near the $19 trillion debt America has racked up.

Millenials must avoid becoming America’s least greatest generation

Like 50 Cent, Mike can sometimes be found In da club. However, the bar is more likely.

Mike is combat ready. While he has not served in the military, his last name of Patton has earned him the nickname “The General.” Mike does have experience in war zones due to his time living in Chicago. Critics note that he does not live on the South Side of Chicago. The West Side is where he hangs his hat, and his neighborhood is mainly Mexican. He scoffs at this notion of reverse gentrification. After all, Mexicans can get crunk, too.

Asked if America is ready for a woman in the White House, Mike has promised that any babe he is dating is welcome to get crunk in the Oval Office any time. His only stipulation is that she needs to chill when the ballgame comes on.

Given Mike’s relative youth (he is under 40), he needs an experienced vice presidential running mate. Mike has already reached out to Clinton—George Clinton. America cannot go wrong with crunk and funk.

Mike has also promised to make America more attractive, at least when the cameras are rolling. His annual holiday party features a bevy of ladies with experience dancing in hip-hop videos. The days of discriminating against non-thin people are over. During his last holiday party, one of Mike’s inebriated friends was overheard telling him, “May your Christmas be crunk, and may your girl have junk in the trunk.”

America, we can do this. We can party on until the break of dawn. We can party before the party and even after the afterparty. We just need the right leadership. To bring America back to life, we need the life of the party.

Vote Mike Patton for President. Make America crunk again.

Eric Golub

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”