LEWISTON, Idaho, August 26, 2014 — The Islamic State in Iraq and Syria has removed heads famous and obscure. They have decapitated people from American reporter James Foley, whose crime was to be an American, to obscure Muslim kids, whose crime was to be raised the wrong kind of Muslim.
While President Obama was slicing golf balls at the 18th hole, ISIS was slicing heads into buckets.
Obama’s critics have painted him as aloof, an out-of-touch, uncaring, emotionless robot. He is more interested in playing a Scottish game with a funny stick than in carrying a big stick.
At least he has the speaking softly part of that metaphor down pat.
The few remaining Obama defenders on his payroll insist that he does care. Even presidents deserve to relax. Relaxation implies relief from something strenuous. A 53-year break from real work is a way of life, not a vacation.
The butchers of ISIS are not taking any chances. While they would love to reign terror down on American infidels, mosques are off limits. Churches and synagogues are fair game for fire-bombings.
Most importantly, golf courses are not to be touched.
The ban on blowing up golf courses was established at a contentious ISIS board meeting. Tempers flared from the start due to lunch being served late. It was noted with irony that in a room filled with Islamists carrying swords, not one of them knew a good Halal butcher.
The secretary in charge of lunch was tossed in a wood chipper.
After rounding up some local infidels and chowing down on sandwiches of Jewish and Christian breast meat smeared with Dijon mustard, the assembled ISIS bigwigs got down to business. The main concern was that damaging a major golf course would be the one thing that might arouse the normally passionless Obama.
There were some dissenting voices against the ban. Worrying about collateral damage is something Israelis do; ISIS should not be linked to any Israeli policy.
One board-member pointed out that Obama is a metrosexual, selfie-taking pajama boy who would never have the guts to retaliate against them. A Pakistani board-member pointed out that Obama did kill Osama bin Laden.
To that another angrily retorted, “Yeah, and John Kerry served in Vietnam. Who cares? Obama was curled up like an armadillo while the only man with any cojones overruled his timidity and ordered the operation to go forward. That man is no longer with the administration, although he is on a book tour running for president in 2016.”
The parliamentarian observed on a point of order that Hillary Clinton is female, which led to confusion and more debate. Further argument ensued over whether the “j” in cojones” is silent and why Obama mispronounces “Pakistan” and keeps calling them “ISIL” instead of ISIS.
The board finally decided that even somebody with less emotion than the love child of Al Gore and an IBM computer must care about something, somewhere. After a brief skirmish about IBM no longer making computers, they agreed that golf courses would be spared.
The next issue facing the board was whether ISIS should kill golfers when they are not on the course. Confusion reigned when the Scottish board-member asked why they should spare the gophers, since gophers destroy golf courses.
An English board-member screamed at his Scottish colleague, “The golfers, you bloody Haggistani! Not the gophers! Spare all the golfers!”
A motion passed to destroy all copies of the Zionist conspiracy movie “Caddyshack.” “Happy Gilmore” would be burned since Adam Sandler was part of the Zionist conspiracy. Kevin Costner’s “Tin Cup” could be spared since it was the least watched movie not involving an anti-Muslim film-maker You-Tube video.
Miniature golf courses were to be spared since President Obama is rumored to spend time there after throwing temper tantrums and needing a timeout. The board concluded that the 18th hole with the clown should live on since Americans hate and fear those clowns.
The Scottish board-member’s suggestion that ISIS soldiers wear clown suits to strike greater terror into America was promptly voted down, and he was unceremoniously dumped in the wood chipper.
The only unanimous vote came when the remaining board-members agreed that the video of Robin Williams talking about Scotsmen and golf was the funniest video alive not involving a Zionist beheading.
The conversation returned to whether golfers could be killed as long as they were not on the courses. Tiger Woods was deemed off limits. Any harm coming to Woods could trigger another boring Obama speech followed by an impartial investigation led by Attorney General Eric Holder.
If Woods were accidentally harmed, a confession letter would have to be placed at his side with a signature either implicating George W. Bush, Sarah Palin or some person named “Fox News” or “talk radio.”
After munching on imitation bacon-flavored chips, the board issued several fatwas after consulting their thesauruses to find out what a fatwa was.
In addition to golf courses, Ivy League universities, Hollywood studios, and any other areas with significant pockets of sympathy for ISIS will be spared. MSNBC and New York Times personnel are to be protected at all costs. Liberals who look the most French will be temporarily spared, provided they are not Jewish.
The most heated debate centered around what to do with gays. Some insisted that no gay people ever existed. Others claimed that they had all been successfully killed by Islam. A few worried that if gays exist, an attack on them could anger Obama if he was one. The younger members of the group explained to their elders that Obama is a metrosexual, not a homosexual — that is, straight, just not very manly.
Conversely, they explained that Hillary Clinton is also straight and female, just not a lady and not very feminine.
The ISIS board issued their fatwa. They decided to kill anyone openly gay, but that a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy could be implemented. Anyone who insists he is straight will be killed for just being American instead.
A CIA operative who infiltrated the meeting tried to report to Obama, but was told the boss was busy on the golf course and did not want to be disturbed. The operative was referred to Islamist denier, video pusher, and communications svengali Ben Rhodes. Rhodes explained that Obama is aware of the situation because he is aware of everything. Obama and Kerry are both disappointed that ISIS is disrespecting 21st century global cultural norms.
If ISIS kills Americans, Obama will express extreme disappointment and vow to immediately appoint a committee to contemplate a course of tough inaction.
The CIA operative killed himself out of frustration, bringing the number of Obama employee suicides to a number the administration refuses to disclose. Hard drives containing the emails with the exact figures have been destroyed.
The final debate centered around what to do with the leftists who had been coddling Islamists for years. ISIS determined that many of these people Lenin called “useful idiots” were no longer useful. ISIS freedom fighters could flip a coin or spin a Dreidel to determine the fate of each leftist.
Climate change advocates could be slaughtered because even ISIS killers found their whiny voices an annoying distraction from anything that anyone, anywhere cares about that matters.
The meeting ended, and ISIS security cameras went back to work using stolen NSA technology to spy on Obama and the rest of us. Upon determining that Obama was busy golfing again, ISIS prepared to kill everybody outside of the 10 mile radius of his 18 hole mulligan-fest.