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I am not rebuilding Egypt

Written By | Feb 8, 2011

LOS ANGELES,February 8, 2011 — A worker’s day is never done.

Those criticizing the destruction in Egypt should not be hypocritical. Just because Egyptians are ruining property over something irrelevant like the struggle for human liberty and not something meaningful like a basketball or soccer championship does not mean we should sneer at the wanton destruction.

This concludes the sports report. Now back to the Middle East.

One of the things about Americans that makes us such a noble people is that we rebuild other nations. We rebuilt Germany, Japan and Iraq. Now Egypt is being destroyed, and the question will be who should help rebuild.
Pyramids at Giza at night (Photo: Jacquie Kubin-October 2010)

Pyramids at Giza at night (Photo: Jacquie Kubin-October 2010)

As a Jewish person let me say it will not be me under any circumstances. I don’t care if they compensate me with belly dancers. The answer is no.

Rumors (that I started, but that is beside the point) have it that American Jews have been receiving letters in the mail promising construction jobs. We are being offered free tickets to Egypt.

Beware. These are one way tickets. The Muslim Brotherhood claims the tickets are open-ended because the time it will take to rebuild is unknown. This is a lie.

We built the pyramids the first time, and if Arab rioters destroy their own nation we are not building it again. We may have been good at hard labor when threatened with being whipped and beaten, but comfort in America has made us soft. We don’t even do carpentry around the house. Some of us are bookkeepers at construction firms, but lifting pens is not the same.

I know the economy is rough right now, but Jewish people thinking that construction jobs in Egypt are the answer should remember how it went with the Pharoahs. For those who never went to Hebrew school but understand American literature, it is like “Mutiny on the Bounty.” At least Captain Bligh gave his workers grog. Jews find it funny when a mustachioed guy on Seinfeld yells “No soup for you!” An Egyptian slave master yelling “No grog for you” inbetween beatings is less funny. NBC apparently left that pilot off the air.

Some Jews will say that everything turned out fine, and now we have Passover to celebrate our surviving affliction. Have any of these Jews truly tasted Matzoh? The stuff is cardboard. In fact, the stuff that goes into Matzoh might be the same raw materials we used to build the Pyramids.

What was the gratitude for our back-breaking labor? We were called lazy since the Pyramids were supposed to originally be a square (Thank you Steven Wright).

Look, I am not against building pyramids in general. For all I know the contractors who built the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas were Jewish. Yet they were paid a fair wage, and even overtime on holidays. The Jews of Egypt were given less compensation, although at least the Egyptians made up for the lack of funds with an increase in beatings.

So I implore Jews nationwide to throw away letters from Egypt requesting able bodied workers. Treat those letters like they were Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Nobody you know has ever won. You will not win.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it. We built the Pyramids the first time. Once was enough. Until the entire Arab world decides to donate their entire oil economies to Israel to help the IDF rebuild their military, Egypt can rebuild without my help. If I am asked, I will channel the still radiant Nancy Reagan and “just say no.”

If the Egyptian people are starving, I would be happy to send them boxes of Matzoh so they understand what true suffering is.

Just don’t ask me to give up generations of Jewish tradition with regards to having no handyman skills.

If I had a hammer, I would not hammer in the morning, evening, or anywhere across this land. I would give the hammer to somebody stronger and in better physical condition.

My people have built enough. It is time our elders help in a supervisory capacity, which means playing shuffleboard in Palm Beach.

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.