How to win the White House: Dog collars and elevator speeches

Any response to any question longer than an "elevator speech" results in a zap back to sanity

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LOS ANGELES, June 4, 2015 — Republicans never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity. Democrats are imploding. Hillary Clinton is retreating faster from the press than a Frenchman in World War II. Lincoln Chafee and Martin O’Malley are so boringly nondescript that even they do not know who they are. They spent last week Googling themselves, but the search came up empty. Apparently they work at Average Caucasian Men’s Monthly Magazine in charge of bland marketing.

Bernie Sanders makes Howard Dean seem lucid. Republicans are being gift-wrapped a 2016 presidential election victory. They may be too stupid to accept it.

Can President Obama say, “I made a mistake”?

The issues that matter have favored Republicans for decades. The 1970s and 1980s saw Republicans crush the Democrats on taxes and crime. Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton dragged Democrats kicking and screaming into normalcy. He pretended to be pro-gun. He promised to cut middle-class taxes, a promise he would renege on three weeks into his presidency. He promised to reform welfare.

For whatever reason, Democrats have decided to return to the hard left. The Clinton New Democrat Party is dead. President Obama got elected in 2008 by pretending to be a moderate. He won re-election by convincing just enough voters that Gov. Mitt Romney would barbecue their children and eat them.

Leftists are emboldened to the point where Elizabeth Warren is actually considered a serious choice for the White House rather than a screaming enraged tantrum-thrower.

Despite having failed at virtually every aspect of governing, Democrats can still win in 2016. They will resort to weapons of mass distraction. They will focus on what Republicans will do, not what Democrats did. Republicans seem to be too undisciplined to focus on what matters. There are only three issues Republicans should ever be discussing until 2017:

  1. The Obama economy is lousy. Republicans will fix it. The policy is supply-side tax cuts and a repeal of onerous regulations. The emotional connection is putting people back to work and restoring the American Dream.
  2. Criminals and radical Islamic terrorists are winning. ISIS, Boko Haram and al Qaeda are trying to kill Westerners everywhere. Republicans will go back on offense and stop coddling terrorists. On the domestic front, criminals will face a law-and-order crackdown. Sanity will be restored. Streets will be safe again.
  3. Cut taxes and spending and grow the economy. Kill criminals and terrorists and restore safety and security.

Since Republicans seem to have too much trouble focusing on these three simple agenda items, they must be fitted with dog shock collars. When confronted with any other issue, the candidate will face a teensy jolt of electricity for talking for more than five seconds or offer more than 10 words.

When asked about Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, the correct answer is:

“I’m glad Jenner is a Republican.”

Any other words will result in a small jolt.

When asked to take blame for one member of the Duggar family committing bad deeds, Republican candidates must reply,

“It’s a tragedy all around.”

That is it.  Elaborating will result in the dog collar’s tightening until it becomes a noose.

When asked about gay marriage,

“The Supreme Court has spoken.”

On abortion, just say you “respect life” and be done with it.

If asked about rape,

“Rape is evil.” It is permissible to say, “Rapists deserve the death penalty.”

It is not permissible to get into what constitutes rape. Ask Todd Akin and Richard Murdock how elaborating on the issue worked out for them.

On illegal immigration,

“Republicans love immigrants, but we also have to obey the law.” They can also say, “Illegal immigration hurts minorities and the working poor the most.”

Climate change questions should be ignored because nobody except boring wealthy white liberals care about climate change. There is no punishment for ignoring climate change. All climate change questions if answered should involve one sentence. “I will not put America under United Nations control.”

Poll: Clinton losing key piece of Obama coalition

Spending an hour discussing emotional love for Israel is pointless. “Israel is our friend. That relationship must be restored.” If anyone claims Obama liberals are pro-Israel, just respond, “Israelis disagree.”

When asked about the brazen lack of ethics and transparency of the Obamas and Clintons, just repeat the words of President George W. Bush. “I will restore honor and dignity to the White House.”

Republican candidates must pretend they are in a courtroom being grilled by prosecutors. That is the liberal media. Just answer the questions without expanding. Do not volunteer useless words. It is impossible to be taken out of context when there are no words to parse and no tapes to splice.

Observe football coaches. They never say anything when interviewed. “We have to cut down on mistakes, play smarter, play sound fundamental football.” The bored reporter then says, “Thanks, coach.”

Hillary Clinton does virtually everything badly, but she knows how to say nothing. Does anybody know what she stands for? If not, it is because she refuses to tell anyone.

President Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address took less than two minutes. History does not require long-winded gasbaggery. The Kentucky Derby lasts two minutes. That is enough time to make history.

Republicans need to can the stump speeches and give their best elevator speeches. What is an elevator speech?  About as much as you can say in an average elevator ride of a few floors with time for a smile at the end:  “Democrats failed. Crime is higher, terrorism is greater, jobs are fewer. We will reverse all of this. If we fail, fire us.”

Then repeat.

By doing this, Republican candidates will avoid getting jolts of electricity from their dog shock collars. The reward will be a treat far better than Milkbones, Snausages and Scooby-snacks. Republicans will win the White House.

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