WASHINGTON, April 15, 2014 — Happy tax day! Everyone should be excited. Today is the day that the grateful people of the United States get to thank their friends in the federal government, and of course their lesser counterparts at the states, for all of the outstanding work they have done in running the country.
Many people, even in Washington, have been saying over the last few years that taxes are too high, that the rich already pay their fair share and don’t need to pay anymore. Despite the fact that the top 10 percent pays 70 percent of Federal Income Tax — a huge share — there is always room for more taxes and programs.
Here are some programs that we could be seeing in the next year or two.
The Cussing is Bad Tax: In an effort to curtail both our nations cursing epidemic and our slight budget discretions, the government will now collect taxes on the amount an individual curses. The rate will of course increase for the severity of the word, as well as frequency. “Curse word” is to be defined by the government. Certain words like “Bossy” and “Republican” will incur specific scrutiny against the speaker for audit.
The fairness in Journalism Tax: A program which heavily taxes any journalistic piece in which a negative word appears within four words of the words “Democrat”, “Liberal” or “Progressive” or subsequently any high ranking “Democratic” official. In addition, any journalist who prints a story with the word “Republican” or “Conservative” within twelve words of a positive adjective will be taxed on a per incident basis. “Incident” is to be defined by the government. Failure to pay taxes immediately will result in prolonged incarceration followed by a light fine.
The Tea Party Addendum: Since tea has been banned from import to the United States under a recent Obama executive order, the IRS has instituted an automatic audit on groups promoting the consumption of tea by their members, or any supporting groups. He has also essentially labeled tea drinkers as terrorists, and has revoked the right of tea drinkers to peaceably assemble. If the word “Tea” appears in any group, or foundation by June 1, 2014, they will be considered in violation of the law and their members will be audited. The President has also amended the meaning of “audited” to include “publicly shamed and/or jailed.”
The After-Death Tax: In this particular tax, an individual, being dead, is still expected to both pay taxes and vote in local and federal elections. The President has already had some success with this program in North Carolina. Under this provision, the deceased would be liable for taxes and votes up to and including three years. The death tax rate will be roughly 33 percent of the deceased remaining assets. This provision will expire when/if President Obama leaves office.
The Bill of Rights Tax: There are far too many people who are using the Constitution and not respecting the government who actually upholds it. Without the government, there would be no freedom, and the grass would probably not grow. The government, due to their slight budgetary constraints, can no longer uphold your Constitutional rights as effectively as they could several years ago. So the Bill of Rights Tax would tax the people accordingly every time the Federal government either upholds, or does not violate a right inherently protected by the Bill of Rights. This is not predicted to be a heavy revenue generator.
The Air Tax: Since our planet is only months away from imploding or exploding, and melting or freezing, it is only safe to raise as much money as possible to throw money at failing energy companies. Since oxygen only makes up 21 percent of our atmosphere, and carbon dioxide an explosive .035 percent, the government believes it’s in their best interest to implant monitors in people and tax them per breath they take and the amount of oxygen they consume. From July 1, 2014 onward all newborns will have devices implanted within two hours of birth. Unions and Harry Reid’s golf buddies are exempted from this tax.
Racism Tax: This is a fairly simple measure, in which anyone caught being a racist would be taxed up to 90 percent of their assets and shot into the sun at their own expense. If they cannot cover this expense, it will be passed on to their children in as many generations as needed to recuperate the cost. “Racism” is of course defined as discriminating against through words or actions, anyone in the Democratic Party.
The Sorry I’m Not Sorry Tax: This is an ingenious measure composed by President Obama and former HHS Secretary Sebelius that seeks to tax people who misunderstood through their own ignorance or stupidity what the President, or any cabinet member, was actually trying to say. The act would impose a light penalty on anyone who in conversation, or in publication, criticizes or otherwise makes mention of any instance in which the President said something that turned out to either be untrue, or misleading. This particular provision is expected to generate enough revenue to fix the deficit in five years.
These are provisions everyone in America can get behind. People are walking around, breathing free air, enjoying rights “guaranteed” to them by the “Constitution” and they aren’t even aware that the government could take it all away in a moment’s. Today, Tax Day, should be a reminder that the government is here to help you generate as much money for the government as possible. More people need to realize that the freedom that they enjoy, those rights such as “free speech” and the “right to assemble” are actually privileges the government allows its people to enjoy. Tax Day, this glorious day, is a celebration and a reminder that without a strong, centralized, sprawling, leviathan government funded by money forcibly taken from the people, there would be no freedom.
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