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Hanukkah 2014: The Festival of Lights

Written By | Dec 16, 2014

LOS ANGELES, December 16, 2014 — Jewish pride is ready to burst on the scene from Jerusalem to Brooklyn and everywhere a single Hebrew lives. Blue and white stars will form a larger Star of David in the sky. All over the world the songs and dances of joy will be expressed by the People of the Book.

The song of all songs will kick off the festivities.

“Hanukkah oh Hanukkah, come light the Menorah…

Hanukkah oh Hanukkah, we’ll all dance the Horah…

Gather around the table, we’ll give you a treat…

Lots of tasty chocolates and latkes (potato pancakes) to eat…

Hanukkah oh Hanukkah, come light the Menorah…”

The Festival of Lights is upon us as the celebration of the Maccabees is lived from sundown on Tuesday, December 16 until sundown on Wednesday, December 24th.

Happy Chaka Khan! Time to break out the Dreidels (spinning tops) and spin them faster than a politician on a talk show.

Every year brings something different. 2013 brought “Thanksgivingukkah,” as Hanukkah began before Thanksgiving for the first time since 1888. This convergence between Thanksgiving and Hanukkah will not occur again for almost another 78,000 years.

In 2014 Hanukkah returns to its more traditional period around the time of Christmas or slightly earlier. It sometimes even stretches past New Year’s Day.

For the linguistically challenged, both spellings of the holiday have eight letters. Adding a “C” requires subtracting a “K.” It is Chanukah or Hanukkah.

Regarding the holiday itself, some myths need to be dispelled. People hear that the Jewish fighters only had enough oil for one day, and miracle of miracles, the oil magically lasted for eight days. This is the warm, fuzzy, sanitized story told to children.

Hanukkah in actuality is the Jewish version of July 4th. It is a Neocon holiday. The Jews battled some Greeks and crushed them.

Jewish comedians play on stereotypes of angst-ridden and guilt-ridden leftist Jews fearing their own shadows. Most Jews historically were actually not weak, sniveling crybabies begging our enemies to like us. This battered housewife syndrome of blaming the victim is a relatively new, unpleasant phenomenon.

Real Jewish history has revolved around military strength.

The second coming of Judah Maccabee is Paul Wolfowitz. Actually, the word Maccabee means “hammer,” so perhaps the second coming is Dr. Charles Krauthammer. The lessons of Hanukkah applied perfectly to the Iraq War. If the world had any common sense, the Maccabee method of problem-solving would have been applied to the mullahs in Iran and Bashar Assad in Syria before it was too late. Waterboarding ISIS fighters would not have been a moral concern for the Maccabees. Those Jews fought wars to win them.

Winning wars is why Jews still exist. For those troubled by this: Deal with it.

The actual celebration of Hanukkah is a tad bittersweet for those who are educated about this holiday. Jews won on the battlefield but lost that war.

There was a major difference between how Jews and Greeks celebrated holidays. Greeks celebrated holidays created in the wake of military victories. Jewish tradition eschewed this practice of glorifying blood triumphs.

The Greeks ordered Jews to assimilate or be killed. Jews fought for the right to remain independently Jewish without forced assimilation into Greek culture. After Judah Maccabbee and his brothers helped the Israelites crush the Greeks in battle, the first thing the Maccabees did was hoist a victory flag and declare this military victory a Jewish holiday.

After fighting for the right to prevent assimilation, Jews adopted a Greek tradition anyway. Assimilation is still deadly to Judaism. Some would argue that what Hitler failed to do to the Jews, Jews do internally through a 52 percent intermarriage rate.

Hanukkah is actually the least important holiday in the Jewish calendar. It is an excuse to party.

Returning to the Neocon aspect of this holiday, Hanukkah is a political holiday that the 70-80 percent of Jews desperate to sing Kumbaya with those hating our guts would do well to heed. Hanukkah’s lesson is simple: Force works. There is no dialogue or negotiation with those refusing to recognize your right to exist. Survival is not pretty. It often involves spilling large amounts of blood. Collateral damage is unfortunate but must not be a deterrent.

The other Maccabean era lesson is mercy. Jews did not rape Greek women, chop heads and limbs off, enslave anyone, or indiscriminately engage in deliberate cruelty. We Jews defended ourselves. In keeping with values that unite Jews and Americans to this day, both remain good people using power for noble purposes. America through economic and military power, and Jews through their sense of justice, help feed, clothe, protect, and defend others worldwide, many of whom are neither Jewish nor American.

Hanukkah 2014 comes at a time of great external and internal threats to the Jewish people. Iran has been given the green light to build nuclear bombs. The American president seems determined to confuse weakness and appeasement with meaningful dialogue and diplomacy in allowing Iran to go nuclear. Politically liberal Jews seem determined to trust him to the bitter end, as empirical evidence is cast aside.

Internally, in addition to the intermarriage rate, Jews are secular in alarming numbers. Far too many atheists and agnostics abandon their Jewish identity.

The only good news is that the majority of Jews having children are religious. Secular Jews are fighting for abortions, gay marriages and other practices that prevent breeding while religious Jews breed as much as possible. A century from now, the Jewish community could very well be more religious with a far stronger sense of Jewish identity and pride. A couple of centuries ago, all Jews were Orthodox.

So as candles are lit and hope springs eternal that a certain young Republican Jewish brunette shows up at my door, there is much joy to look forward to the next eight nights.

Happy Hanukkah everybody! Shalom!


Eric Golub

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”