HONOLULU, Nov. 12, 2015 – Computer science majors all know the Internet began with the Pentagon’s desire to build a survivable, nuclear-attack-resistant communications system during the height of the Cold War. Sadly, though the massive global computer network can be expected to stoutly withstand the terrifying brunt of Chinese Dong Feng-31 ICBMs and even a sneak swarm attack by Russian SS-N-19 submarine cruise missiles, the modern Internet “breaks” every time social justice warrior, neckbearded, hipster liberals sit behind the keyboard of a computer.
Trigger Warning: Behold, the Coffee Crusades!
Supposedly, the latest offense worthy of Two Minutes Hate to hit the Internet comes in the form of a seemingly innocuous red holiday cup from Starbucks Coffee. The lack of any visible references to Jesus Christ, Christmas, nativity scenes, biblical verses, Santa Claus or even so much as a snowflake or holiday wreath – according to liberals on social networks – has Christians and/or social conservatives “triggered” and actively boycotting the iconic coffee shop.
To listen to online atheists reporting on this alarming new offense, you’d think Republicans in particular were mounting white paladin armor over their ubiquitous Brooks Brothers suits and bland maroon ties, shouting “God wills it!” as they crusade for Christ with picket signs in front of the neighborhood Starbucks. Heed well the words of the atheists, my faithful CDN readers! The world is going mad, and Jesus Christ’s manic followers are apparently out to take away the last known freedoms of artisan leaf caffè macchiatos and flaky ham and cheese croissants.
There’s one major problem with the Coffee Crusade, and no, it doesn’t stem from the fact that the Vatican hasn’t yet sanctioned the raising of Christian armies to boycott Starbucks Coffee the world over. The problem is no one can actually seem to produce for us an ordinary, average, garden-variety Christian or social conservative Republican who seriously thinks that red coffee cups is a threat to Christmas or Jesus.
I personally have 4,680 friends on Facebook, 1,284 people who follow me on Twitter, and 1,041 fans on my Instagram, enough to the point that as a political scientist, if I were to ever take a survey on any of my social networks, I’d have sufficient sample size to be more accurate than most national polling houses. Yet in all this, I have not seen so much as one of my Christian or Republican friends denouncing Starbucks coffee or bemoaning the red holiday cup.
For context, I’ll go a step further and mention that not only am I an elected Republican district chairman, but I also am a member of a number of national faith-based action networks who take very seriously the issue of religious freedom and any perceived assaults on the Judeo-Christian lifestyle. Yet I have not received so much as a single press release, emergency conference call, or email action alert from any of my fellow conservatives or evangelical pastors regarding the issue of red holiday cups at Starbucks denigrating the Christmas tradition.
It gets even better. On Tuesday, I was asked by senior-ranking, career Republicans to get together over coffee to informally discuss the upcoming 2016 legislative session. We met – hold your breath – at a Starbucks, and were ensconced by supposedly trigger-inducing red cardboard cups in all their allegedly demonic lasciviousness. Yet not once did I or any of my collaborators take any offense to the venue, the coffee or the coffee cups. Why? Because unlike liberals – who are, in fact, projecting their own, infantile behavior and falsely attributing it to conservatives – we all love a great brew of coffee and don’t flip out over ordinary things that have no meaning.
Gestalt Gone Wild
While I have yet to hear so much as a peep out of my Christian friends regarding Starbucks coffee, the opposite can be said of my dear liberal and libertarian friends. My timeline is full of wild status updates and image macros (aka “memes”) accusing Christians or social conservatives of taking things too far over “just a coffee cup” and condemning evangelicals for being uptight, hypersensitive, and just plain killjoys when it comes to symbols and Christmas. “Just get over it!” they say. Right. Let’s time out on that, shall we?
So, let me get this straight. The same people who spent the rest of the year raging over purported faces of Adolf Hitler in JCPenney teapots, boycotting Chick-fil-A over homophobia, claiming that Super Mario videogames promote misogyny against women, decrying the conveniences of office air conditioning as patriarchal oppression, screaming that Jabba the Hutt’s Lego Star Wars Palace is anti-Islamic and denouncing any man who dares hold a door open for a woman as a chauvinist, these are the same people who now want to tell Christians to “calm down” over a coffee cup?
With all due respect to my liberal and libertarian friends, I think you people have a gestalt problem that sees offense in every Rorschach test presented before you.
Though I speak this harshly, I can, however, completely excuse my liberal/SJW friends for their moral equivalency and selective championing of free market choice. At least you can always be trusted to advocate the opposite of the conservative movement and to stand firm for the rising tide of counterculture in America. Bravo. I don’t agree with you at all, but at least you’re always everything the conservatives aren’t.
On the other hand, my libertarian friends who repost, retweet, and regurgitate SJW propaganda while still claiming to stand for “liberty” are the worst fools to be found on the Internet. I love how you guys have intricately cataloged every U.S./NATO or CIA “false flag operation” and Operation: Mockingbird-style media hack job known to mankind, yet you blindly overlook the false flag taking place with the Christmas narrative surrounding the red coffee cups.
Yes, libertarians, please tell me more about how MSNBC, CNN and Fox News are all tentacles of the privately owned Federal Reserve that wants to divide us along racial/sexual/political lines, so that we never unite as free minds – right before you click “share” on the SJW image macro denouncing Christians as hating Starbucks coffee. Please, tell me more!
Real Christians don’t have time to boycott Starbucks coffee over red coffee cups. Christians do not seek the image of Jesus on a printed piece of cardboard; they’re too busy seeking the real Jesus in private prayer devotion or singing Darlene Zschech songs on the way to a small group devotional (held, most likely, at a Starbucks branch) to be jerks online. That domain of online harassment is strictly reserved for SJWs and pandering libertarians who foolishly think that Democrats actually care about their causes and may one day flip to their number. (Good luck with that.)
I’ve been going to Starbucks coffee ever since I was an undergraduate in college in 1997, and I’ve never once had a problem with their products or branding. Printing a solid red cup probably costs less than printing a cup with intricate artwork on it, and if Starbucks wants to change its product design and cut expenses at the same time, that’s a triumph of capitalism and the free market, something that conservatives applaud.
I consider myself a born-again Christian believer, and I don’t look for “signs” of Jesus in a corporatized, flashy holiday paradigm that’s meant to appeal to pocketbooks rather than spirituality. Anyone who needs to see the face of Jesus on a coffee cup either isn’t a true Christian or probably someone waiting for the Drug War to be abolished not for fiscal/constitutional concerns but so that he can finally stop doing illicit, mind-altering substances in secret.
The Bible – not the 2015 holiday catalog – warns “the god of this world has blinded the unbelievers’ minds that they should not discern the truth, preventing them from seeing the illuminating light of the Gospel of the glory of Christ, the Messiah, who is the Image and Likeness of God” (2 Corinthians 4:4, Amplified Translation).
I won’t preach to my liberal or libertarian friends, but maybe you wonderful, “tolerant” people should look in the mirror before you cast the first (online) stone at us Christians.
Oh, and … Happy Holidays.
Dr. de Gracia is a political scientist, an ordained minister, a former elected official and the author of the new political thriller “American Kiss,” available now from Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble and other major bookstores. DISCLOSURE: Danny de Gracia is an elected Republican district chairman, but his opinions are expressly his own and do not reflect the official opinion of any organization.