Forget millions: Maybe Obamacare has ‘billions’ of new enrollees

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6 Billion Served!
6 Billion Served!

LOS ANGELES, April 1, 2014 — With the Affordable Care Act deadline that is not really a deadline in the rearview mirror, President Obama and his administration were crowing over six million Obamacare enrollees. The target was seven million and the fear was four million.

Six million means that the Obama administration failed less than expected, which in their world is success.

This is before pointing out that they have turned the very meaning of the word “enrolled” on its head. Obama can tell us how many people went online and perhaps selected a plan, but claims not to know how many people have actually completed the transaction by paying a premium.

Obama obsesses over metrics more than any human being alive not named Nate Silver. When numbers favor Obama, he immediately releases them. When the numbers are bad, he feigns ignorance.


So in the spirit of meaningless numbers thrown around, it is time for Obama to just get it over with and make the story far more impressive.

Forget millions. Let’s talk billions.

Obamacare now has six billion enrollees. Six out of every seven people on planet earth are enrolled.

So how did Obama achieve this fantastic feat?

Organizing For America went on Facebook and created a new group called “Obamacare enrollees.” They then added every single Facebook user to the group without their permission.

While this only allowed them to reach one-billon enrollees, Twitter came next. Each Facebook enrollee had a tweet sent out on their behalf.

This allowed them to reach everybody who has the ability to interact with another person in any capacity. Some babies born in third world rice fields are now enrolled.

Since the post-modern Obama is constantly gazing into the future, he decided to cover people not born yet. To avoid the abortion debate, he exempted current fetuses and decided to focus on women who were not yet pregnant but were thinking about having children.

Obamacare - 6 billions served
Obamacare – 6 billions served

Despite his plea to declare that Obamacare had “billions and billions served,” like the red-nosed clown than lives under the golden-arches, aides pointed out to him that only seven billion people lived on earth.

Some people went to McDonalds more than once so people could enroll for healthcare more than once. After all, people purchase life insurance on average seven times in their lifetime. Therefore, if one person went on the eventually working Obamacare website and enrolled twenty times, they would count as twenty enrollees. Such counting methods are how Obama supporters like ACORN collect and count votes.

Cutting and pasting this practice to healthcare would require only an Excel spreadsheet and real-sounding names like John Q. Public and Mickey M. Mouse.

While six billion enrollees may seem like Obama is cooking the books, another theory is that most of his numbers are fictional to begin with. Whether six million, six billion or six trillion, the only thing the public knows is that exactly six people signed up for Obamacare on the first day.

Somewhere between six people and six trillion people is the truth.

One does not have to be celebrating April Fool’s Day to know when a president is pulling the leg of the American people.

One could say that the real April Fool is the president who had six years to come up with a plan and still could not figure out how to give more of something to more people while having it cost less. The answer is by using imaginary numbers, which does not have anything to do with thirty-sixteen, forty-twelve, or 6i (for math geeks everywhere).

Sadly, the most foolish of the April Fools were those who celebrated this holiday on the first Tuesday in November of 2008 and 2012. Those November Fools are why a government can claim six million enrollees to a healthcare plan while discounting millions more who have lost their coverage.

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  • Honey Badger

    what is the facebook group?? I would like to remove myself if it is true

    • Kathy

      You were signed up under a fake name, you’ll never get out.

    • Paula Coyle

      That part is the author waxing satirical.

  • kdeh2

    I personally don’t believe a single word nor syllable that comes out of this admins mouths. I extremely doubt that there are even a measly six mil that have signed up for this joke.

  • Danny Robertson

    He’s a fuc- king liar.

    • native son

      And sofa king stupid!

  • RGZ_50

    Outstanding!

  • Joseph Lenard

    And let’s not forget the many ACORN folks became Navigators. If they were willing to commit fraud for $8 per phony Voter Registration they made up, it is inevitable that they will commit the same fraud for many times that $ per “enrollee” they sign up! That’s right, not a commission on a PAID (enrollment year long) POLICY as it should be, but those they get to be an “enrollee.” That number will be relatively low over that whole 7Mil folks figure, but ANY FRAUD is not acceptable. Once again, the Democrats create a system by which their ilk can commit fraud to line their pockets. There will, of course, be NO INVESTIGATION of these Navigators nor any hint of this in the MSM.

  • expatico

    The Obama clowns are habitual liars and confirmed word parsers. Anybody, and I mean anybody with genetic matter that exceeds a protozoa would not believe anything the administration says about any matter, FULL STOP. So they keep spinning, and lying, and blustering, and posturing and their faithful followers will willingly slurp up any set of ‘numbers’ and ‘definitions’ that these pathetic ‘leaders’ decide to feed them. It’s tantamount to a personal assault – an attack that deserves a spit right square in Pelosi’s Botox-ravaged face. Nan, keep your BS to yourselves and enjoy that sound of ‘one hand clapping’. Fools and charlatans, all.

    • Antonio Pires

      Bravo!!! It sounds like a president of a some country in Central America. How in the world that the americans put up with this BS? I get sick when I see the Devil on TV.

      • RWR4TX

        More like sub-saharan Africa…

  • dennis

    Must be the new math that obama uses to come up with these numbers!

    • Candace Zingg

      Yeop…. Common Core math!

  • Antonio Pires

    Did someone mentioned Kenya? That it’s what you end up with it, after domb down the youth society. The Public Screwools did and are doing a fantastic job on that! Teachers please, no offense to you, you are getting pay to do your job, which it’s not as it was 30 years ago. Theachers and PO are one the most dificult jobs to handled today. The Politicians and Unions took the power from them, left just the title. Very sad and disrurbing times that we’re living right now. Faith in God and try to go on.

    • Prodius

      That’s for teachers who took their job serious. Most general education degrees are simply students who couldn’t get a degree in their original field.
      You see a general education degree allows the most electives and is the easiest to achieve.
      Most teachers today become teachers for the easy pay and 3 months vacations.

  • Huck Finn

    This whole Administration and Obama’s Lying Cronies are a pox on our Nation! How can you believe anything they say! Much less The Media,who shill for him!!

  • Antonio Pires

    We’re in deep black hole! Ops, forbiden word now, but, what the hell, too late now, I forgot how to use back space, the cat it’s out of the box now!