Dog parks and the trans-species

Oh, the trials and tribulations of trans species in the animal and vegetable worlds!


PHOENIX, April 19, 2016 — Communities around the country have been setting aside space for dog parks. These are generally fenced areas that allow dog owners to bring their canine family members to roam around the contained area and mingle with other dogs. Generally, all breeds are welcome. Some play, some bark, some gossip. But there may be trouble brewing.

Isn’t limiting entrance to the parks just to dogs discriminatory, not only to cats but also to ferrets, ocelots, reptiles and the trans-species?

No longer should one be held back just because one is an ostrich or a gecko or even a human. Gender, racial and species assignment at birth isn’t what it used to be; it’s what one feels like that counts.

Although the term “gender/racial/species assignment at birth” sounds more like a class project.

Many recall Rachel Dolezal, the woman with two Caucasian parents who tried, quite successfully for some time, to convince everyone that she was an African-American. I have it on good authority that Dolezal no longer desires to be African-American. Rather, she now claims to be a Jack Russell terrier named Ollie.

Clearly, Ollie should not be excluded from any neighborhood dog park since she really believes (assuming Dolezal, er, Ollie, actually believes much of anything) that she now is of the canine persuasion. Besides, she plays real well with the cocker spaniels.

My neighbor has a Yorkie who believes he is a cat. He even purrs. Okay, he attempts to purr, but it sounds more like he’s gargling warm salt water. Needless to say, my neighbor has been unable to convince his dog to step into a dog park. However, if the park were open to all species, the Yorkie who thinks he is a cat would freely attend.

Some communities with dog parks happen to believe that nature is nature, biology is biology and there actually are such things as objective truths, quaint as that notion may seem. If one is born a dog or duck, they believe, one is in fact a dog or a duck, not a rabbit or a crested wren. As with the fight over public restrooms and the transgendered, a dog park is for dogs, not other species that just happen to believe on that day that they are dogs.

But, you say, comparing dog parks to the transgender bathroom issue is comparing apples and oranges. Not if today apples “feel” like oranges, it isn’t.

It just isn’t fair that an ocelot who thinks he’s a dog must be relegated to the ocelot park. And that we call such a place a zoo is a real stigma.

Fortunately, some in the entertainment industry are making their presence known. Eighties rock star Bryan Adams, who has two gerbils named Zoe and Amed that believe they are the Olsen twins, has announced he will not play in any community where trans-species laws limit only dogs to dog parks.

Both of Adams’ fans are reported to be disappointed.

Not to be outdone, the Walt Disney Corp. may threaten to leave any community where Mickey Mouse isn’t free to be Pluto or even Minnie Mouse, for that matter. When it was pointed out that these are mere fictional cartoon characters, a Disney executive responded, “So is Bernie Sanders. What’s your point?”

Speaking of presidential contenders, Sanders believes that dog parks should be open to all species, except for those owned by the one-percenters. Further, he believes all species and trans-species should be paid a living wage.

Sanders’ Democratic rival Hillary Clinton, was recently quoted as saying, “I have been a champion of the rights of the trans-species since…um, what time is it?”

GOP front-runner Donald Trump has said he wants to make America great for dogs again. Ted Cruz believes strongly that in this country today, just like when he was growing up, dogs are born dogs and remain so throughout their lives. He further has stated the same thing applies to all other species. “Unless a pelican can bark and chase after a tennis ball, it’s a pelican”, he said.

John Kasich weighed in on the issue by asking, “Is it time for the convention yet?”

This trans-species issue also has ramifications in the fruit and vegetable world. If a head of lettuce feels like a carrot today and a cherry tomato decides to be a celery stalk, it makes the simple task of ordering a salad extremely problematic.

Life for people, animals and even vegetables used to be much simpler.

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Curtice Mang earned a Political Science degree after attending college during the depths of the Carter Administration, a time where the only thing worse than the Carter malaise was Disco. He is the author of two books of political humor, The Smell of Politics: The Good, The Bad, and The Odorous and The Constitution – I’m Not Kidding and Other Tales of Liberal Folly. He has worked in the insurance industry for over 30 years and is also a high school basketball coach. In addition to CommDigiNews, Curtice contributes to multiple conservative websites, including Broadside News, Front Lines and What Would the Founders Think. He can be found at, where his books are also available for purchase for a song (and the cover price). Contact Curtice at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter @curticemang. He can also be found wandering about on Facebook and Google+. His views are his own - mostly because no one else would claim them.