LOS ANGELES, January 6, 2013 — In an unsurprising announcement, Democrats across the nation have vowed to do everything they can to combat inequality until the 2014 elections are over.
Win or lose in November, combating poverty will be the top campaign priority of Democrats until the first Wednesday in November. At that point, congressional Democrats will retreat to their multi-million dollar homes for the end-of-the-year holidays. Combatting poverty will return to their agenda sometime in September of 2016.
The Democratic coalition of billionaire leftists, affluent feminists, affluent gays, wealthy guilt-ridden Jews, well-paid ivory tower professors, wealthy union leaders, government subsidized tree-huggers and blacks vowed to combat poverty every time the polls told them to do so.
Tearful commercials — featuring groups so diverse that they fit every imaginable quota — will last until the election is over. Then the rainbow suckers will be returned by Democrats to the prop department of the local Hollywood studio.
Republicans are completely to blame for the income inequality that was exacerbated during the years Democrats were in power. Democrats failed even to try and offer solutions, much less fix any problems, but they inherited a mess so were not to blame. Simultaneously, the Obama administration has seen the sharpest drop in poverty in American history — as long as we change the counting method to exclude poor people.
Obamacare is a failure, Iran is building a bomb to blow up the world, and various ethics scandals from Benghazi to IRS abuses are at the heart of what happens when Democrats control anything. Naturally, the solution is to propose raising the minimum wage while secretly hoping Republicans will refuse to actually do it.
Politicians with zero knowledge or experience in economics can insist that raising the minimum wage helps poor people before cash-strapped small business owners give them a lovely pink slip to try on. Reducing a person’s pay by 100 percent tends to hurt them financially, according to conservative economists who actually do have real world business experience. What is not in dispute is that pretending to care about the well-being of poor people through symbolic speeches and half-hearted attempts at policy proposals does occasionally get wealthy liberal politicians reelected.
If the Affordable Care Act were to defy economic gravity and succeed, income inequality would be put back on the shelf until a more convenient election.
Raising the minimum wage is the defining issue of our age in 2014, while in 2009 the defining issues of the age were “hope,” “change” and “yes, we can.” Apparently, they could not.
The economy was going to be the top priority until destroying the healthcare system in the name of progress became more important. Then the economy was the top priority until the green agenda required wasting billions of dollars on fraudulent investments like Solyndra. Now the economy will be the top priority except for immigration reform and a trillion-dollar plan to dumb down every child with progressive preschool education. It is an outrage that in the wealthiest nation in the world, children have to wait until kindergarten to be indoctrinated with failed ideas and beliefs.
Now income inequality is the favorite of the week. This is a deeply held principle that goes to the core of the sincerest Democratic convictions, according to pollsters and focus groups. It is at the heart of what the Democratic Party stands for this week, according to a DNC strategy memo. Once the election is over, wealthy Northeastern liberals can get back to stepping over homeless people during snowstorms. Stopping to give them money will still be allowed if the homeless people blame climate change for the snowstorms and regift the pennies to green energy groups.
If Republicans win the Senate, income inequality will be their fault. If Democrats retain the Senate, they will have magically cured the problem.
Fear not, poor people. As long as Democrats are denied absolute power, they will talk about you as if they think you matter. Once they control everything as they did from 2009 through 2011, they will stop thinking about you and get down to the business of doing nothing.
As for the $400,000 President Obama receives for his current no-show job, he will be investing that money in campaign commercials to help elect liberals so that no campaign season ever ignores the working class again.