ELYRIA, Ohio, July 26, 2015 — As much as it kills Democrats to admit it, their 2016 slate of presidential contenders may be the weakest field since 1992, perhaps even 1988. The party that obsesses over diversity, multiculturalism and identity politics has six rich, boring old white people running for their party’s nomination.
Hillary Clinton fails to inspire. The left is desperate for an alternative. Lincoln Chafee and Martin O’Malley are so boring that they spend weekends googling themselves to find out who they are. They most likely work at Boring Lackluster Average Non-Descript (BLAND) Monthly Men’s Magazine in the bland marketing department. Jim Webb is an angry guy out of sync with the equally angry left in his own party. The Democrats are in real trouble when their main excitement comes from a 73-year-old socialist screaming about whatever old socialists scream about.
If Hillary Clinton’s campaign continues to look like the Titanic post-iceberg, other candidates may jump into the race. The reason these individuals sit the race out is specifically out of fear of taking on the Clinton machine.
With that, here are the current 2016 Democrat non-candidates.
Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren — She better than anybody represents the screaming lunatic unhinged wing of the Democrat Party. MSNBC, Joan Walsh at Salon and all those who believe that everything in life is racist see Warren as their modern Joan of Arc.
Downside: The basket cases love her, but she frightens normal Americans. She is incapable of giving a speech without unpleasant screaming. Even Democrats saw that Howard Dean was too crazy to get elected. Warren makes Dean seem calm, rational and lucid.
Upside: Unlike Hillary Clinton, Warren actually means the things she says. She is a true believer. By refusing to moderate her image, she would be the first liberal since Michael Dukakis in 1988 to run honestly.
New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo — In Joe Klein’s “Primary Colors,” he was Jimmy Ozio, the son of Mario Cuomo’s doppleganger Orlando “Double-O” Ozio. Mario Cuomo has been a hero to liberals ever since his 1984 Democratic convention speech that electrified the delegates (before the party lost 49 states to Ronald Reagan). He seeks to combine his father’s reputation with his own self-identification as a technocrat who can govern.
Downside: He is mired in a corruption scandal, although that may not matter to Democrats given how they have lowered the bar since 1992. He was publicly humiliated and emasculated by his cheating ex-wife, Kerry Kennedy. This could hurt him among men, although many white Democratic men are Phil Donahue types anyway. He may be a technocrat, but he actually cannot govern.
Upside: He has publicly castigated Communist New York Democrat Mayor Bill DeBlasio, which he can parlay into the illusion of moderation by comparison.
New Jersey Sen. Corey Booker – He may be the most dangerous Democrat to Republicans. He is the complete package, a center-left candidate who does not scare normal America.
Downside: He may be too moderate for Democrats demanding a hard left candidate.
Upside: He is black, but without President Obama’s mean-spiritedness or radicalism. Basically, he is who Obama pretended to be in 2007. He is smart, telegenic, reliably liberal, but able to appeal to moderates. He is friendly and likable, qualities that elude so many Democratic presidential contenders.
Former Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick — He is an ideological soulmate of President Obama.
Downside: Because he is black and leftist, he will have trouble establishing a separate identity from being just another Obama clone. Ultra-liberal Massachusetts voters chose a Republican to succeed him.
Upside: He would ensure that black turnout remains sky high, the only way Democrats can retain the White House. He knows how to give a good speech to a party that frequently prefers style to substance.
Al Sharpton: He has been running NewYork City, reducing Mayor DeBlasio to a symbolic figurehead.
Downside: He is a race-baiting hustler who is being accused of defrauding the government over millions of dollars in unpaid taxes. Because he is black, liberal voters will ignore his financial corruption as they did with Congresspeople Charles Rangel and Maxine Waters. Despite being reliably liberal, some Jewish voters may express discomfort with Sharpton. They would be ordered to shut up, and they would then comply and apologize.
Upside: He can be very likable and funny. His appearance hosting Saturday Night Live was successful, especially when he did the James Brown dance moves perfectly. In a humorless Democratic field, his sense of humor should not be underestimated.
Vice President Joe Biden: The Rodney Dangerfield of the Democratic Party has never shaken his Barney Fife image.
Downside: He really is Barney Fife. On top of that, he will be 74 if sworn in.
Upside: Unlike Obama and Hillary, Biden is capable of showing genuine human empathy. The tragedies he has faced in his life have allowed him to relate to people on a very human level. Many Democratic presidential nominees have a cold, indifferent malicious streak. Biden comes across as a good guy, almost impossible to dislike. While it may be laughable for him to distance himself from any Obama failures, he could plausibly say he was left out of the loop by a president with little use for him.
Former Vice President Al Gore: He never got over losing the 2000 election. Liberals blame Florida. Conservatives note that Gore lost his home state of Tennessee and Bill Clinton’s home state of Arkansas.
Downside: Gore is a lousy campaigner who alternates between insufferably boring professor and screaming unhinged wild-eyed buggo man. He has very few core beliefs. His only serious policy beliefs are on environmental issues, and voters have repeatedly offered a collective yawn to climate change discussions. The breakup of his marriage may become an issue in a general election.
Upside: Gore is a fabulously wealthy one-percenter thanks to his investment in Google. He will not run out of money as he did in 1988 when he ran as the moderate Democrat.
Secretary of State John Kerry: He desperately wants to atone for his 2004 election failure. He could successfully convince the anti-war Democrat electorate that failure and surrender in negotiating the Iran deal really will lead to a stronger America and a safer world.
Downside: Even by liberal pompous ass standards, Kerry is in a class by himself. He may be seen as a bigger gasbag than Barack Obama and Al Gore. He may be the least respected American official in quite some time. His grating voice and condescending tone make everyone outside of New England cover their ears. He tries to be all things to all people, as evidenced by his 2004 run as the anti-war candidate who was proud of his Vietnam service. He was for the war before he was against it.
Upside: The Capitulatiocrats trying to turn America into Capitulation Nation have a kindred spirit in Kerry. He is hard left enough for the wackadoo wing of the Democratic Party while speaking calmly enough so as not to scare some moderates. He straddles the line between talking tough while looking like he has a “kick me” sign on his back. His failed tenure at Foggy Bottom is considered among Democrats to be proof of experience and gravitas.