Deconstructing Hillary Clinton’s email excuses

Hillary Clinton continues to have difficulty explain her emails.

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PHOENIX, March 16, 2015 – By most accounts, Hillary Clinton’s press conference last week addressing the use of her private email account while she was secretary of state satisfied exactly two people: Hillary Clinton and MSNBC’s Ed Schultz. Well, technically, since no one has watched MSNBC since 2012 – and even then it was only two elderly sisters from Chicopee, Massachusetts (since deceased) – no one knows for sure if Ed Schultz was completely satisfied.

Okay, so maybe just Hillary seemed fine with her performance. Everybody else who was paying attention felt that Hillary’s explanations about her emails were about as solid as a runny Jello mold. And it hasn’t gotten any better since.

Before going any further, it’s important to note that anytime there is another Clinton story everyone needs to take The Shower Test. Upon finishing any Clinton story you must ask yourself if you feel dirty enough to take a shower. Inevitably, the answer is yes.

It’s also worth pointing out that during the years 1993-2000 I was extremely clean.


Let’s take a look at what Hillary Clinton has said about her emails while she was secretary of state and suggest what she really meant:

What she said:

First, when I got to work as secretary of state, I opted for convenience to use my personal email account, which was allowed by the State Department, because I thought it would be easier to carry just one device for my work and for my personal emails instead of two.

What she meant:

I’ve got more baggage than anyone in politics, except Bill. Carrying around an extra device really isn’t a problem. It’s a lame excuse, but after a couple of weeks it’s the best my team of lawyers and Bill (he’s not a lawyer anymore, but, well you know) could come up with.

What she said:

Looking back, it would’ve been better if I’d simply used a second email account and carried a second phone, but at the time, this didn’t seem like an issue.

What she meant:

Looking back, I shouldn’t have done that book tour either. Hell, this could be harder than my book tour. Why can’t I get away with the same kind of crap that Bill does. If this was Bill, the press would be wondering how stupid it is that government employees even have government emails. Why does everybody love Bill? I don’t get it. Huma likes me, I think.

What she said:

Second, the vast majority of my work emails went to government employees at their government addresses, which meant they were captured and preserved immediately on the system at the State Department.

What she meant:

Geez, everybody makes it sound like it’s my responsibility to keep track of my own emails. I’m a Clinton for God’s sake! I’m not responsible for anything I do…unless it can be spun into a positive. Good thing all of those Benghazi emails are considered – by me! – to be personal.

I had no idea I had sent so many emails to all of those foreign governments shaking them down for contributions to the Clinton Foundation. Especially, Algeria and Qatar. They really made it much harder than it should have been. They’re lucky they’re even considered countries. They should have rolled over like a puppy looking for a belly rub. Instead, they had to be difficult.

What she said:

Third, after I left office, the State Department asked former secretaries of state for our assistance in providing copies of work- related emails from our personal accounts. I responded right away and provided all my emails that could possibly be work-related, which totaled roughly 55,000 printed pages, even though I knew that the State Department already had the vast majority of them.

What she meant:

My definition of right away is not the same as everybody else’s definition of right away. I’m not giving anything up unless I absolutely have to. Even then, I’ve got really good lawyers. Besides, I only deleted like 30,000 emails.

What she said:

Fourth, I took the unprecedented step of asking that the State Department make all my work-related emails public for everyone to see.

What she meant:

Unprecedented is always a good word. The press usually eats that up. It’s sort of like when Obama says his is the most transparent administration in history. How can that be? I was in it. I’m transparent like split pea soup is transparent.

Besides, “all my work-related emails” is defined however I choose to define that. Benghazi, it still had nothing to do with work.

What she said:

And I heard just a little while ago the State Department announced they would begin to post some of my e-mails, which I’m very glad to hear, because I want it all out there.

What she meant:

Of course I don’t want it all out there. Do they think I’m nuts? If I could win in 2016 without communicating with anybody, I’d do it. Hey, maybe I could do that? I’ll check with Bill.

It’s a good thing I deleted those 30,000 emails. There sure were a lot to Huma. Didn’t realize how many. And Weiner too. Boy, I thought Bill couldn’t keep his pants up. You should see what Weiner sent back.

What she said:

And I feel like once the American public begins to see the e- mails, they will have an unprecedented insight into a high government official’s daily communications, which I think will be quite interesting.

What she meant:

I think I’m quite interesting. Bill used to think so too. Okay, Bill never really did.

What she said:

(Regarding the use of a private server.) Well, the system we used was set up for President Clinton’s office. And it had numerous safeguards. It was on property guarded by the Secret Service. And there were no security breaches.

What she meant:

Secret Service guarding the server – yeah, sure, that’ll fool them. I can be absolutely certain that neither Bonnie, nor Clyde broke into our Chappaqua home and stole my email. Beyond that, I can’t be certain that somebody didn’t steal them. What do I know about internet security? If it could happen to Target for Forever 21, for God’s sake, why is it my responsibility to make sure my emails are secure?

And Bill, he’s no help. Telling everybody he’s only sent two emails in his life. Two! And one of them was to John Glenn. Why? Sure, he was an astronaut. Big deal! We sent a chimp into orbit too. Did Bill send the chimp an email? You know, he probably would send a chimp an email before he’d send one to me. Dammit, Bill!

 

Hillary has a way to go to dig her way out of this one. She could still do it, but her political skills are not Bill Clinton’s. Heck, they’re not even Joe Biden’s. Think about that!

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  • david david

    When Hillary was fired from the
    Watergate Special Investigation her termination letter stated she “was
    unfit for public service” due to ethics violations, lying and corruption
    and that was before she married Bill…

    Jerry Zeifman, a lifelong Democrat,
    supervised the work of 27-year-old Hillary Rodham on the committee. Hillary got
    a job working on the investigation at the behest of her former law professor, Burke
    Marshall, who was also Sen. Ted Kennedy’s chief counsel in the Chappaquiddick
    affair. When the investigation was over, Zeifman fired Hillary from the
    committee staff and refused to give her a letter of recommendation – one of
    only three people who earned that dubious distinction in Zeifman’s 17-year
    career.

    Why?

    “Because she was a liar,” Zeifman
    said in an interview last week. “She was an unethical, dishonest lawyer. She
    conspired to violate the Constitution, the rules of the House, the rules of the
    committee and the rules of confidentiality.”