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The death of gender: Now those Girl Scout Cookie sellers can go to hell

Written By | May 3, 2018
Cookies, death of gender, girl scouts

MERRIMACK, NEW HAMPSHIRE:  The plague is over. The nightmare is over. Finally, Americans can confront a threat to their livelihoods and a plague on their waistbands. The Boy Scouts announced that they are no longer officially the Boy Scouts. Any day now they will be the LGBTQIAS Scouts, or whatever leftists call themselves this week. From the Boy Scouts to the National Football League, everything liberalism touches turns to ashes. Just this once, amidst the rubble, there is a true silver lining. The death of gender also means the death of the Girl Scout. It also means the death of the fourth biggest societal ill behind radical ISIS, al Qaeda, and Katy Perry.

Time to take a stand against Girl Scout Cookies

Finally, Americans can tell those cherubs knocking on the door or set up outside the medical marijuana dispensary, to go to hell. The war on Girl Scout Cookies is finally over. In the battle between grown adults trembling in fear and relentlessly cute kids, the adults finally have the upper hand.

Girl Scout cookie salespeople are the face of modern evil in this world. The girls smile and look innocent, but they are worse than most timeshare peddlers. With Girl Scout Cookies, there is no option. You had to buy them.

Forget that many of those boxes will never be eaten. Forget that the boxes that were eaten by thin people only to have thin mints make them fat. These girls were relentless, terrorizing innocent communities and office buildings where security was powerless to stop them.

The impossible avoidance

My old boss’s daughters sold these cookies. At first it seemed easy to avoid them by pretending to be actually working at work. These girls were not fooled. They had a seating chart. They took notes on who bought cookies and who did not. There was no escape. They came back again and again at different times.

Process servers from sheriff departments have less success at trapping people. These 10-year-old future bounty hunters are  not even regulated!

Finally, there is relief from these girls and their carcinogens in a box (Hey, if tobacco kills, who says cookies do not?).

The smell of fear in our office was palpable. Grown men making over six figures per year hid under their desks to avoid parting with a portion of their earned income. By the time these girls got through with them, most of the guys had given up four dollars for two boxes of the sweet taste of evil.

Death of Gender in our gender fluid world

Now, the tables have turned. Gone is Madonna’s material world. Now we live in a gender fluid world. Men no longer have to give in to the demands of people who will grow up to be women.

We can now slam the doors in their faces. No longer will we be bullied, brow-beaten or boxed into a corner of chocolate chip madness.

We can now tell Girl Scout Cookie salespeople to go to hell. The money we save can be used on therapists to help us cope with the nightmares of girl scout cookie ghosts of the past.

Finally, the healing can begin.

Editors note: Neither the writer nor CommDigiNews wish any evil to befall the Girl Scouts, cookies sellers or not.


Eric Golub

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”