WASHINGTON — Face it, politicians: there’s nothing more important before, during, and after an election than having loyal, obedient citizens who follow the routines
their your party trained them in since their early school days. Like the proper wearing of a muzzle. But don’t worry. We’re here to help.
If you joined us late, please read our previous hints and suggestions here. The following selected Q&As specifically target the best ways to ensure that your citizens Love the Muzzle! So let’s get started.
What’s the best way to introduce muzzles to my loyal constituents?
The following tried-and-true, time-tested method is the same one other winning politicians have used successfully to deal with the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic. And the groundless rumors associated with them as well. Feel free to adapt this method to your needs.
- Have your aides gather some purportedly high-value information and package it with bright colors and take-notice slogans to activate your citizens’ emotions.
- Sit in a TV studio in front of a small audience of loyal citizens who owe you favors (or do a YouTube video; it doesn’t matter). Show a sample muzzle and promise your citizens both rewards and reassurance. Put the muzzle behind your back and begin explaining the consequences of not wearing them.
- Bringing the sample muzzle out again, have a doctor or another prestigiously titled health official give a short presentation that copiously references “science” and “data.” Verifiable details and reliable references are unimportant. Your party’s message is.
- As a local
rulerpolitician, your goal is to get your citizens to excitedly expect treats for seeking out and regularly using muzzles. Your first step could be to give each of your audience members individually packaged, sterile, disposable muzzles that looks like face masks. Then offer some sample treats.
After successful muzzle introduction…
- In the days and weeks after your show, your citizens will look for and receive treats for using their muzzles. Gently secure wearing requirements for a few days and then ease up on them.
- Gradually let suggestions become requirements and requirements become regulations. Leave muzzles secured for longer periods of time: one week, two, a month, until the end of summer, etc. Gradually drop the treats. Save the money and use it to pad your retirement funds.
In short, gradually let suggestions become requirements and requirements become regulations.
Is it inhumane and even cruel to muzzle citizens?
A muzzle can be inhumane if the citizen wearing it cannot pant. It can also be cruel if it’s not a proper fit, if citizens aren’t acclimated to wearing them, or if their use is expected without addressing the underlying issues that require them. Make sure your citizens have the right muzzles. Teach them to feel happy about wearing them. Your ultimate training goal is for your citizens to wear their muzzles gladly and gratefully.
How can I ensure continued compliance under adverse conditions?
In hot places and during summertime, you should give your citizens periodic “freedom breaks” to move their jaws and drink water. However, you must monitor any kind of alcohol or commercially sold beverages in public places such as bars, parks, or county fairs. In fact, you should occasionally restrict such establishments or events. Or ban them outright.
Here’s how to do accomplish this.
Let compliant citizens enjoy relaxed rules for a few days. As you sense stirrings of initiative that indicate lowered muzzle usage, you must exert your authority immediately to restore order. But be aware that promoting tight muzzles that hold mouths closed for long periods can soon produce resentment. Relaxed, preferably varying rules about muzzles are potentially tolerable indefinitely. Keep your citizens on their toes!
Once again, we’re delighted to help our politicians enforce the terms engagement that can contribute to continued re-election to the office of your choice!
Politicians: Send in your questions. We want to help you feel less blue and more in charge of your citizens and your ongoing and ever-growing wealth, power, and patriotism!
And citizens: Muzzles on!