DAVENPORT, Iowa, Aug. 18, 2016 — Nothing brings out the glitz and glamour like the Hamptons on Long Island. With the summer party season in full swing, the Hamptons is about to see its most excitement since Lizzie Grubman’s 2001 excellent adventure.
The Ku Klux Klan and Black Lives Matter have decided to go retro and bring a potential disco inferno to Westhampton Beach. BLM is a black separatist group whose hobbies include burning down stores, stealing electronics and sneakers, and random violence against innocent white people trying to breathe peacefully. The KKK is a white separatist group who entertained themselves for decades by setting innocent blacks on fire and burning down their homes. Both groups justify their domestic terrorist acts by claiming to be victims of bogeymen with skin a different color from theirs.
They also share a common lack of self-awareness.
BLM has a rally planned in the Hamptons for noon Sunday. The KKK is organizing a counter-rally. While residents in the Hamptons are concerned about a potential bloodbath, there is more than a hint of irony and hypocrisy in their concerns.
The KKK and BLM are both exclusionary, but so is the Hamptons. Try finding blacks, Jews or Republicans. They are about as welcome to have lunch at the club as anyone trying to organize a rally for cigarette smokers against gay marriage. The Hamptons is all about exclusionary behavior. The KKK and BLM are delusional if they think they can take a break during their protest marches. They will never get a decent table at any of the most elite restaurants.
The Great Gatsby and his new money are not welcome in this old money haven. That means poor white racist trash and poor black racist trash are even less welcome.
People in the Hamptons are there so they can be cut off from the rest of society. They would be in Martha’s Vineyard except New Yorkers have trouble understanding New Englanders and their weird accents. Additionally, another color war broke out years ago when one New England chowderhead chef was caught screaming that his white was better than Manhattan red. He meant clams, not wine.
Reaction to the planned KKK and BLM gathering was met with swift disapproval from some residents and slower doddering disapproval from the oldest of the old money blue bloods.
Beatrice Q. Stufflemuffer, heir to the J. Farnsworth Pennington Stufflemuffer clothing empire, was highly concerned. Her family made the original tight stuffed shirts that to this day keeps uptight stuffed shirts comfortable. If an angry mob burns down the family factory and steals the clothing, they will look dreadful wearing it.
Chef Françoise Lalon has been cooking crepes made out of real gold for Hamptonites who eat their excess bullion. He knows that rich Caucasians will declare anything trendy as long as it comes from a Frenchman. He can barely contain his outrage knowing that black and white racist barbarians will be invading his oasis. These savages eat hot dogs. Some of them even belch!
While Hamptonites mourned the arrival of commoners to their tony enclaves, many people in Normal America saw some potential good in the twin competing racist marches. When rich white liberals are insulated, the rest of the country suffers. When rich white liberals have their own homes incinerated, they discover that societal problems exist.
When rich white liberals are killed for walking down the street, their equally rich white liberal media friends are pressured into demanding social change and immediate action.
Not all of the Hamptonites are unreasonable. Twins Muffy and Mildred Meisel-Meister, heirs to the 3M fortune (not to be confused with the other 3M company that makes plebeian items such as Post-Its), believe the KKK and BLM can improve their people skills. The KKK is run by an Exalted Cyclops chief officer. As Mildred noted, people with one eye are not exalted. They are creepy. Buffy concurred, while also noting that BLM seems unconcerned about blacks killing each other in Chicago. Both sisters privately confessed that they had no idea what or where Chicago’s South Side was, but that they read about it in the New York Times. They agreed that the south of France is divine.
Some residents complained that KKK and BLM arrivals would force the Hamptons to hire a police officer. The only crime in the Hamptons is the prices of the restaurants, and the residents pay it since the food is French. Nobody wants to appear gauche. All crime is white collar, and the Securities and Exchange Commission is the de facto detective for any complaints. Residents are not interested in BLM’s demanding black collar crime. There are no coal miners in the area.
The KKK and BLM offered to unite in hostility against Jews, but the Hamptonites dismissed that useless gesture. Jews are just immigrants from Brooklyn. Brooklynites are barely allowed on the Upper West Side, much less the Hamptons.
Plans to delay the rally until after the summer party season were approved by the KKK and BLM but encountered fierce resistance from influential Hamptonites. Felicity Worthington Burlington, widow of the late oil, banking and clothing magnate Winston Chartwell Burlington, would block any KKK appearances after summer. Klan members wear white hoods, and Burlington was adamant that nobody would be caught dead in the Hamptons wearing white after Labor Day. BLM would also be banned, since she has already hired the maximum number of blacks to wash her fleet of cars and yachts until at least New Year’s Day.