WASHINGTON — Some of you politicians, particularly governors of certain states, mayors of major cities and members of Congress, tell us they’re feeling very blue these days. Why is that? Well, we know you’re battling serious opponents and fighting for your career. Above all, you’re committing every rhetorical resource you’ve got to ensure the loyalty, trust, and the votes of your citizens. You know control of their wavering and unpredictable health is vital to your future. And an essential part of your strategies is deploying mandatory muzzles for citizen management. (You call them face masks.)
Now some of you may feel puzzled and unsure about best practices for using face masks. This also contributes to your feeling blue.
But no worries. Here are some cut-to-the-chase Q&As that will help you make appropriate and politically useful attitude adjustments.
Part I of a series. (With a hat tip to Google: “People also ask.)”
What type of muzzle is best for my citizens?
There are several types of muzzles. These include basic cloth face masks, surgical face masks, N95 respirators, filtering face-piece respirators, P100 respirator/gas masks, self-contained breathing apparatuses, full face respirators, full length face shields, and KN95 respirators. Ignore most of these. Describing them is way too technical to bother with.
The best all-purpose muzzles for protection, fit, and obedience training are simple face masks. Face masks are inexpensive and come in a variety of fashion colors. Alternatively, pull-down scarves in silk, rayon, or polyester hibernating in trendsetter citizens’ closets can rise again and live through many more seasons of training. (Tip:Calling for “Made in USA” products will upgrade your quotability in the media.)
Simple face masks and pull-down scarves can be worn for extended periods during the day. They allow their citizen wearers to breathe and pant easily, drink water and (surreptitiously) accept treats as training rewards.
When should I muzzle my citizens?
Citizen muzzles will help control backbiting. Call for their use whenever you ascertain any risk of backbiting that’s not useful to you, such as anything said by a deplorable citizen. While they don’t reduce citizen aggression or reactivity in any way, the lack of muzzles—and rules for their use—means you’ll have dangerous citizens on your hands. So don’t hold back on mandating the use of muzzles. But call them face masks.
Can my citizens wear a muzzle all day?
Muzzles should never be used for long periods. Encourage your citizens to take off their muzzles at home and particularly overnight. Present this option as a privilege. That transforms the option into a feature. Your generosity and wisdom will be praised. It may even show up as votes for you and your party at the ballot box. That’s yet another feature.
Can I muzzle my citizens overnight? 24/7?
Muzzles are safe for use short-term use. However, they are likely unsafe for citizens to wear overnight or unsupervised. Many types of decorator muzzles and fancy scarves are available on the market. But none should be used on a citizen who is alone for any length of time. Their effect, signaling both couture and correct thinking, is best experienced in public.
We hope you found these guidelines helpful. Stay turned for more Q&As on related topics. And please feel free to ask questions or contribute comments specifically suited to you and your fellow politicians. Our comments section begins after the cavalcade of ads below.
– Headline image: Coronavirus masks. Image via Wikipedia entry on the topic, credit Bratislavský samosprávny kraj.
CC license 2.0. Slightly modified to fit CDN’s format.