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CNN’s Emperor Brian Stelter has no pants and pasty-white legs

Written By | Mar 9, 2021

WASHINGTON. It’s very easy for people to hate the arrogant and dissembling mainstream media these days. But no one hates them more than they hate themselves. Take CNN’s Brian Stelter… please. He doesn’t just hate himself; he really, REALLY hates himself.

CNN’s Brian Stelter. Photo: nrkbeta via Wikipedia, https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Brian_Stelter_(CNN)_@_SXSW_2017_-_33546987105.jpg.

Too big for his britches

Stelter recently filmed himself broadcasting his little-watched CNN show from home… without pants. He claims this desperate stunt “humanizes the news.” I think what he meant to say is it “humiliates a peculiar, pinheaded newsman with pasty-white legs.”

Stelter proved what everyone with eyes in their head already knew. He’s a creepy little guy. A weirdo who gets a rush from performing very public acts of self-humiliation. In other words, Stelter is his own leather-clad dominatrix.


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Afraid of the dark

Like the time he admitted over Twitter that the mainstream media’s overwrought coverage of the Chinese pandemic was getting to him:

“Last night I hit a wall. Gutted by the death toll. Disturbed by the government’s shortcomings. Dismayed by political rhetoric that bears no resemblance to reality. Worried about friends who are losing jobs; kids who are missing school; and senior citizens who are living in fear. I crawled in bed and cried for our pre-pandemic lives. Tears that had been waiting a month to escape. I wanted to share because it feels freeing to do so. Now is not the time for faux-invincibility.”

The few glued to his Twitter feed surely stood shocked and horrified as the vision of a big, fat, floating Stelter balloon baby exploding with tears flashed into their heads. “Oh, the humanity!”


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Americans have a lot to thank Stelter for. His astonishing lack of self-awareness, which is equal in intensity to his breathtaking lack of manliness, serves as an avatar for the media at large: balding, pudgy, pathetic and tearfully emoting at a world they ought to view through a cool and dispassionate lens.

A profession of crybabies

He weeps at a world that refuses to conform to his childlike expectations of comfort and safety. Dismayed by the “shortcomings” of daddy – government – to shield little Stelter from the harsh realities of this world. A comforting and larger-than-life figure to provide him three square meals, plenty of toys, a warm bed, some spending money, and lots and lots of love.



And this explains Stelter’s humiliating lack of pants. He craves attention at a time the media is so distrusted by the American People. And so, he wants to show that opinionated news readers put their pants on one leg at a time. Or, the reverse in Stelter’s case. It’s supposed to humanize all the creepy little guys and gals of fake news.

But inside, they’re all pantsless and pudgy little crybabies.

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Top Image: Brian Stelter without pants. Fox News screen capture.

Steven M. Lopez

Originally from Los Angeles, Steven M. Lopez has been in the news business for more than thirty years. He made his way around the country: Arizona, the Bay Area and now resides in South Florida.