LAS VEGAS, April 10, 2015 — On the verge of announcing Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential candidacy, the Clinton campaign team called in focus groups when it learned her rationale for running: She has none.
Now Clinton is huddled with pollsters and focus groups in a final push to figure out what she believes.
She wants the job because she wants the job. She has a record because she says she has a record. But questions abound.
What is her record? She will let us know once the focus groups decide what it is.
What are her core beliefs? She will discuss them as soon as the polls tell her what they should be.
What is her vision for the future? As soon as the people tell her what they want, she will let us know that she has wanted those same things her entire life.
After eight years of running for the job, how can she not know exactly what she stands for? Voters sometimes change their minds. It takes time to update the data so that she matches up perfectly with what the voters want right now.
Since Pat Schroeder ran for President in 1988, how is Hillary’s candidacy groundbreaking?That question is sexist.
How can she run as the candidate of change when her goal is to maintain the status quo and keep Democrats in the White House? She will take credit for every success, shift blame for every failure, and hope that Democrat voters really are as stupid as Jonathan Gruber said they were.
What are her priorities? Everything is a priority unless polls say otherwise.
What would she actually do if elected? She will let us know after the election. We have to pass her presidency to find out what is in it. Democrats are not required to answer such questions before the election.
Can Hillary be stopped? Democrats are desperately looking for a tri-racial Latina pygmy to run as their nominee and check off every box at once. Hillary is the default option for a party that made it clear that white men are no longer going to be considered for the job.
Does Hillary’s gender really override her lack of qualifications? Democrats tried that with race and the strategy was successful. Competence is irrelevant as long as token boxes are filled in.
Has Hillary ever succeeded at anything that mattered? She says she has. Disagreeing with this is sexist. Nobody would demand that a man have successes before being promoted, if by nobody one means virtually everybody.
The campaign team was going to run commercials touting Hillary’s policy successes. She has none.
How can Hillary overcome her perceived nastiness and be seen as a nicer person? The focus groups are working overtime on this one. She shed a crocodile tear before the 2008 New Hampshire primary, resulting in a comeback win. If there is an election to be won, Hillary will emote on cue. It takes plenty of practice, and she has hired the best staff to teach her how normal people treat each other.