LOS ANGELES, November 28, 2017 — Fidel Castro is dead and the McRib is back. An evil Communist dictator died on November 25th just as America’s greatest symbol of capitalism returned to McDonalds.
The McRib is more than just a fast food sandwich. McDonalds is America. McDonalds is the very essence of what European leftists sneer at when putting down America. The world’s elitists hate America because we eat McRibs. We eat McRibs because we can. Castro’s death at age 90 gives America another chance to crush his ideology. By the time America is done exporting American culture to Cuba, we will have the Cuban people hooked on Coca-Cola, McRibs, and pictures of Kim Kardashian’s naked bare bottom.
Those who claim it is wrong to celebrate a man’s death forgot about the genocide exemption. If you murder millions of people and dump the bodies in mass graves, your death is a net positive.
Fidel Castro is dead and Angela Lansbury is alive. Sometimes life is more beautiful than even Roberto Benigni could have imagined.
As expected, global leftists praised Castro for his commitment to racial equality and climate change. Normal human beings were excoriating Castro for being a genocidal monster. In the big scheme of things, murderous thugs do not deserve praise even if their murders reduce their nation’s carbon footprint. Castro took a relatively prosperous nation, wrecked its economy, and imprisoned and killed many of its vibrant people.
White social justice warriors and the academics who dumb them down may wish to speak to Pastor Rafael Cruz before praising Castro. Texas Senator Ted Cruz’s father was one of many Cubans imprisoned, beaten, and tortured in Castro’s jails. Florida Senator Marco Rubio’s family fled Cuba just before Castro returned to launch his revolution. They were the lucky ones. Their relatives who stayed behind were not so fortunate.
So to all who have any connection physically or emotionally to Cuba, the best way to get revenge on Castro and Communists everywhere is with unbridled capitalism.
Parties in Little Havana in Miami should continue from now straight through Spring Break in South Beach. Spring Break revelers should wear Castro t-shirts with the Ghostbusters logo on them.
The Castro News Network derided the Friday night Miami crowd cheering Castro’s death as small. CNN neglected to mention that it was 4:00 a.m. when protesters spilled into the streets. CNN still denies that leftist bias played a role in its leftist biased coverage.
The answer to CNN and other Castro supporters is more capitalism and more celebrations.
Chevy Chase should immediately return to Saturday Night Live and announce every week that Fidel Castro is still dead alongside Francisco Franco.
History books should note that Castro died on Black Friday, the ultimate capitalist day of excess shopping. Every fourth Friday in November should feature massive discounts on Cuban cigars.
Cuba should copy America to the letter. The best way to celebrate Castro’s death is by declaring every fourth Friday in November a national day of capitalist shopping. The day before, Cubans and Americans can come together to eat a big meal and give thanks.
It should be a reality check that Castro died not only after the election of Donald Trump as president, but right after Bernie Sanders’s Socialist Vermont elected a Republican governor.
Leftist college campuses may make 11/25 a permanent day off from class for mourning. The capitalist response is for Las Vegas oddsmakers to allow proposition bets on which campuses will disgrace themselves first. The best response to anti-capitalist academic idiocy is capitalist gambling.
Those in the t-shirt business should immediately start selling t-shirts reading, “Fidel down, Assad and mullahs to go.”
Meanwhile, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Liz Warren and Jill Stein are the early frontrunners in the 2017 Cuba presidential primary. They were so crushed at ideological soulmate Castro’s death that they raised seven million dollars and demanded a recount. Enter Chevy Chase again. Fidel Castro is still down for the count. He is still dead.
In happier news, Castro in death won the 2016 mannequin challenge.
With Castro’s death, Communism is dead everywhere except on United States college campuses and the San Francisco 49ers locker room. Castro’s ghost could not lift Colin Kaepernick to the end zone. The only NFL quarterback to embrace Castro has seen his team lose ten straight games. The only thing deader than the 2016 49ers is Castro himself.
Castro’s death is bigger than Castro. Everything he believes in is dying along with him. His brother Raul Castro is technically alive, but at 85 will join his brother in due time. Cuba will be free. The only issue is when.
Those who want normalized relations with dictators in Cuba and Iran are leaving office. They are being replaced by those who support freedom and liberty.
Communism is dying. It is on the very ash heap of history that Ronald Reagan predicted. Even the pseudo-Communist Chinese are led by people as capitalistic as “Dallas” anti-hero J.R. Ewing.
Capitalism has survived every other failed ideology because it is the only system that has ever worked.
Americans should get ready to party like it’s 1959, right before Fidel Castro hijacked Cuba. Havana can be the next great Spring Break destination.
Fidel Castro is dead. Pass the Cuban cigars, the super-sized Cherry Coke made with Cuban pure cane sugar, and the McRibs.
Get the National Football League offices on the telephone. The Oakland Raiders and Houston Texans just played a thriller in Mexico City. Have the rematch in Havana.
Then get Jonathan Hoenig on the telephone. The CEO of Capitalist Pig Asset Management can help the Cubans experience aggressive growth funds.
First things first. Open up the Internet in Cuba. Americans have some Kim Kardashian pics and other staples of our beautiful, glorious capitalistic culture to send them. Once they get a taste of America, they will love it as much as the pro-American red states in our own country do.